Hello everyone. Good morning/good afternoon/good evening. Haven't write in here for ages. I have been abandoning aff for about a year or so? My fanfics aren't updated too. I'm writing, but in a very slow pace. Not much of reasons. I'm just out of ideas. 

And I don't know what to do anymore with my life.

To be honest, something shocking happened last few months. Some of the readers might have known this, as I wrote a one shot of my life. I lose my best friend. The best friend that I thought, we would walk on flowery path and thorn path together. But because of misunderstanding, we split up. She left me, of course, for solid reasons. I have been nothing but a burden to her. I never do good things to her, except for loving her too much. 

Let me get this straight. I am straight. Lol.

It's just that, I haven't met anyone that clicks really well with me. She's everything to me. When I fought with my parents, or my family, or anyone, she's the only one who takes my sides. Though, after that, she did advice me to think positive of my family. I remember her often scolding me, because I act childish. I tend to do work last minute. But I'm fine. I'm thankful that I have someone to scold me. Though, actually, it's not that I like doing things last minute. There are some personal reasons to that, which, I don't share it with anyone. Even her.

I remember the day the fight started. The way she scolded me, was like she had enough of my s. And that's when I realized, I've been depending on her too much. I've been burdening her too much. I remember crying for days. I remember our promise, to not forget each other when we have boyfriends. I remember our promise, to travel to South Korea together to do ACCA(an accountancy professional exams) over there. 

She regretted, after we fought. And she admitted that she was depressed. And I'm thankful, that she knew why I acted that way. I sleep most of the times, even when we have projects, assignments, etc. I look laid back, not taking seriously. She only noticed that, it was because, I'm depressed too. 

And to be honest, I'm much more depressed than her. At least, accountancy is her favorite field. The field she chose. I wanted to do something else. But my parents won't allow me. I really want to rebel, like how Min Yoongi did, and finally succeeded. I wanted to show to my parents, but my dreams itself are so far to reach. It's impossible. 

But I always believe what Kim Namjoon said. To dream big, and to never give up on our dreams. 

I loss my friend, and what's sadder, I failed a paper. Which never happened to me before. I was a good student. Somewhere in between average to good student. I got a few times first classes too, so failing a paper was surreal to me. I decided to leave everything, and starts new. I left my group of friends, for my best friend. I changed myself a lot, and to be honest, I'm proud of myself, and I'm happy. 

Or that's what I at least want to think. 

Now, I have no friends. I laugh together with my classmates in class. But when everyone heads home, everyone has their own group of friends, and I will always be walking alone. I eat alone. I play alone. I go anywhere, everywhere, alone. I laugh alone. At some points, I feel like I'm crazy. I'm mentally unhealthy. When I thought these few friends are close to me, thought of me as their friends, I feel happy. But when I saw them posting pictures where they hangout together without me, I feel bitter. And I would ask myself, am I not good enough yet to be their friends?

I look tough, but I'm very soft. I don't need many, but just few good people to be around me. I know I have friends, but they're not around me, which makes me feeling down. Coz I know, they're making new nice friends too. Just a person, to be with me every single time, is all I need. Someone to comfort me when it gets hard. Someone I can tell good news too. Someone I can brag about me. Someone that willI take my side even when I'm at fault. 

Of course. That won't exist. 

What am I even doing here hahahaha

This is just like my diary :P