for the first time in so long, I couldn’t write my feelings. never has this happened to me that I wanted to write so badly but words couldn’t explain how painful it is for me. I never imagined that it will be this painful, that it will break me so much that I’d feel so numb inside. I never knew how painful it was before, or maybe I did, I just forgot how it felt like. It’s not pain I’m feeling, I gotta be honest. I’m just… numb. I want to cry but tears just doesn’t seem to come. I want to shout but my voice seems to be stuck in my throat. I want to forget you but I unconsciously check your profile, getting hurt every time I see you post a picture with her. I want to be over you, I want to stop this feeling of regret, of hate, of anything towards you. I have tried numbing my heart, trying not to think about you, trying not to do anything that reminds me of you. But why does it seem like everything I do reminds me of what we used to have? I want to see your face again, even if I hate you. I want to drown myself with alcohol but I know you won’t come to my aid. You never did when I needed you anyway. You just weren’t that kind of person. I know my friends keep telling me that I am going to waste if I continue being with you, I believe that, too. But I’m not so sure if it’s love that I am feeling or I just feel like the past year or so is going to waste. I don’t know how to deal with this. I did love you but now I hate you. At least I want to. To move on, to keep myself moving. But I don’t want to do that anymore. As I enter a new chapter in my life, I’m letting you go. I’m wishing you well even if you hurt me a hundred times in the past. I wish you’ll be happy with your new found love (that was actually stolen from me). I hope you’d know how it feels like. I hope you’ll see me become happy in the future. I want you to watch me succeed. I want you to see me become happy without you in my life. I hate you, but I still love you. I don’t want you back in my life but I still end up thinking about you, what you’re doing, or if you’re being happy with your new girl. I hope she gets he satisfaction in bed that you were never able to give me. I know I’m hitting below the belt but I hope she can settle for yours. I hope you see me step by step, watch me reach my dreams and realize that I am thankful that you’ve let me go. And see how happy and contented I am without you. I want you to see how much I will progress without you in my life. I want you to see what you lost. I will move on someday. I will get over you. I will forget you, and eventually only remember you by name and not by the feeling you left me with. Someday, when I reach my goals, I hope I go back to this letter to you that I’ll never send and ask myself why I wrote this. Someday, I hope, I will read this and not feel anything anymore. Someday, when I am at my life’s peak, I want to read this and realize how stupid I was for falling in love with you who left me but be thankful as well for letting me show everyone that I will not settle for anything less than what I deserve. I will be better than who I am today and I will show you what you lost.