So, I try to convey that I'm a nice, sweet person to my friends and family, but the truth is, inside, I'm really selfish about a lot of things. I pretend to be happy, but when I was a teenager and even years later, I suffered with depression. I remember one occasion where I thought about killing myself and how I would do it. School really frustrated me and that was my main reason for contemplating suicide then. There were other times I thought about it, too, of course. Thankfully, I never even attempted (mostly because I didn't want to send myself straight to hell), but I really had some low points in my life. Later on, after failed semi-dating and other things, I thought about it because I really hated myself(I still do at times), felt like I wasn't good enough for the guys I kind of went out with, and just felt like a horrible failure. Since I did so much pretending, I don't think my family ever knew about my suicidal thoughts. Later on, my sister found out, but I believe she is the only one.  

Yesterday I came across a blog post by someone on AFF who said she was going to kill herself. I really hope she didn't do it! PLEASE DON'T BE LIKE ME AND KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS HIDDEN. PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE AND GET HELP.

The real reason I began this post, was because I came across an old picture on Facebook. It was a picture of an old friend of mine and I. We met at work and became friends after awhile. My friend's name was Charles. He was an odd guy. He loved wrestling, Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus and The Golden Girls. I told you he was odd. 

For a while, we would do things after work and he even went to church with my family on numerous occasions. I don't know if he always seemed to annoy me a bit or if it just got worse once he started to like me and became a nuisance. Like for example, he would want to talk to me, so he would call me a bunch of times and I wouldn't answer. Instead of being smart about it, and hanging up before it told him I wasn't available, he would let the call go through. He got mad at me because he used up all his minutes calling me and never actually got to talk to me!!! He got possessive, if you want to call it that. Eventually, I wished that we'd never become the 'friends' we were. One day, I told one of my managers something, and she basically forbade him to go near me. He of course tried to talk to me, but I didn't really talk to him. He ended up working a different shift and months went by.

One morning, another worker came outside to our car and told me that Charles had been killed the night before. He didn't have a car, so he rode a bicycle home. Somehow, a dump truck did not see him in the dark as he was riding home, and ran him over. 

I cried. I really treated him horribly. I basically abandoned our friendship without a word and really never even talked to him again. If I could rewind and do it over, I would definitely do it differently. I probably would have still broken our friendship off because he was mentally unstable, but I so wish I had not done what I did.

But there's no magical time eraser to go back and redo what we want to change. Life isn't like that. That's why we have regrets. Sometimes, you have the opportunity to apologize, but other times you do not get a second chance.

The thing I regret the most, is that I never explained salvation to him. The single most important thing in life - where you'll spend eternity. Why did I never tell him? WHY?! 

In a few months it will be six years since he passed away. This still grieves me and it should. 

Now, I don't know if he ever did find out....that's my worst regret :'(

You only have one life, one shot. Make it count. Live your life the way you should. Treat others how you want to be treated. Don't do what I did.