Sorry, I`m using my AFF blog as a place to rant again. I usually keep all of my personal problems and rantings on tumblr, but I can`t post my problem on tumblr in detail- I don`t want a certain someone to know what he does to me.

So here I am.

I warned you.

What`s wrong with me? I don`t even know. 

I realized how I actually like him so much. I don`t even have a reason to like him- there isn`t. He always leads me on, from time to time, making me fall for him even more- even though now he has a girlfriend.

Like in my last post, I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I was doing a great job- I waited until he drove away from school to go outside, I left late just so we wouldn`t run into each other, whenever I saw him, I avoided eyecontact, etc.

Now, why?

WHY in the world- if you don`t even care, would you come talk to me and ask me for a hug?

I couldn`t even look at him in the eye- I couldn`t.

It hurts for me to- and if I do, I think I might just give up my plan.

But I don`t know if that`s what I really want anymore.

I don`t know if I really just want to give him up, look away, and let him fade away from my life like that- after all my hard work and the emotions I poured into this.

For the longest of time, I stopped waving hi back to him. Whenever he came up to me and asked me for a hug, or forced me to hug him back, I simply and bluntly said no. 

He think I`m mad at him. He probably thinks I hate him, thinks I`m bipolar, thinks I`m crazy, or thinks I`m just a weird person.

Before long- I expected him to lose interest.

So- why am I so hurt right now?

He won`t ever know that every single time I see him, I wish I could talk to him, hug him, smile at him- and make myself happy.

But everytime I don`t--I die a little inside; I really do.

My heart aches like crazy when we see each other, but I ignore just about everything.

Letting go is hard- it drives me crazy.

Today, the moment I saw him coming my way, but I looked away.

The moment where he walked past me, I felt like time slowed down;

As soon as he brushed past me,  I turned around, and I watched as he walked away from me.

I want to say it was honestly jerking at my heart.

I simply had wanted to let go, to kick him out of my life- why was this so hard?

I`m not even in love.

*sigh* Sometimes, I want him to see all of this, but sometimes, I feel as though it`s best to swallow up all of my feelings and act like nothing`s wrong.