Fangirling into kpop should be something entertaining, something that makes you happy.. but lately, specifically for the past weeks, I found myself feeling worry, gloomy, hurt and sad. I somehow ended up following Produce 101 season 2, that I thought I will be just fine watching it like watching any other variety show. But I got it wrong, in fact, I invested too much. I started to get attached to the boys, their hard work, their friendships, etc. Especially to one group that caught my attention the most. The group that was labeled as failed group despite their 5 years of experience in the industry. I started to pity, to care, to like them. I wished they could debut in Wanna One so they could be reborn, so they could pay the pride they have to eat by joining the show. 

But one of my favorites, the leader, couldn't get in. That night, that last Friday night became the saddest episode of the show. So many scenes of them being together, crying and consoling each other has successfully brought me to tears. 

So many questions came up to my mind after watching the last episode. Now that only one of them successfully could get in to the debut team, what the other would do? what about their contract with their agency? How their future will be? Those thoughts got me stress. I was drowning to the gloomy mood for almost 2 days just to think about that, something that actually doesn't affect my own real life. 

But then happy news came, they started to comeback to their social medias, posting pictures with good caption showing that they are fine. It made me relieve, yeah at least they are fine. And another happy news came, their agency stated that they will prepare for a comeback in this 2nd half year. I was really happy to hear that, like "Woah, finally their 5 years hard work is going to be paid soon, they will be more famous after this since many new fans join the fandom, including me". I even promised myself to buy their CD ones they made a comeback.

It made me fly to the seventh sky. I was happy to the point I have the desire to write a story about them. About friendships, about dream. I started to draw the plot and write one-two chapters and I fall in love with the characters which based on their personalities and charms.

But...

All those happiness didn't last long..

Yesterday, I got a striking news. One of the members who has the voice I really adore, get into scandal. 

Dang!

It literally breaks everything. 

Even though it is still an accusation, nothing is confirmed, but wow I was speechless. All of those sparkling happy feeling as a fangirl suddenly gone. All of those imagination and ideas that I have built for my story suddenly like a waste.

So I had a debate with myself whether I will continue to write the story or not. Sure, the scandal affects my mood, moreover the one who got scandal is one of the main characters. But the character in my story is mine, and it shouldn't be linked to the one in real life even though it based on how I think about him. So I have decided that no matter what happen whether the accusation is proven true or false, I will still continue to write the story. Even if there are no one who will read it. I will do it for myself.

I don't know what will happen in the future, but if my mind still won't stop thinking about the plot and the characters, then new chapters will always be created until I have no desire anymore.

Still hoping that the rumor isn't true.

Kang Dongho and Nuest, I wish the best for you..