Well... I didn't make it into the school I wanted. 

Well... I didn't make it as far through school as I wanted

Well... I didn't keep my sanity

Haha, I'm sorry for the way I am writing in these blogs. I feel like they are my little diaries. I feel like I can tell you guys everything and not be judged because I don't judge you. It's a relaxing feeling. I've never been in a place so comforting and I'd like to thank you for that.  

Well... since I trust you. I applied to the Berklee school of music. I had an audition. I got the auditioners business card and everything but... I didn't make it. I got piss drunk and cried the night I heard that I didn't make it. It hurts so much, despite the words in my vocabulary, I couldn't describe the way it hurt.

But I found a way. I am going to an internship in August to learn how to be a producer. I'm really excited about it and can't wait. The owner is really excited about me going. I am excited about the work. 

I want to succeed. I want to become as famous as BTS. But's it's so hard. It's so ing hard. 

I don't want to make you guys worry but I want to kill myself. I have wanted to kill myself for a while. It's scary. I can't trust myself. I want to live but then again, I can't stop the fantasy of being dead. It's calm. So very calm.

I've started having a crush work. It's stupid but he makes me feel comfortable. He'a funny and different from everyone else. He's cute and strong and he makes me feel more flustered as usual. He's... He's just different.  He probably doesn't like me like I like him. but at least I can fantasize. 

 anyway, I   should go. I shouldn't be as honest as I am with you guys. but it makes me feel comfortable. I love you all, Really.