It is possible for everyone to think of themselves as the most useless human ever live. I don't know about other people, but I thought that I don't deserve to be in this world. 

Sure, everyone is here for a reason. 

For whatever reason is that, I don't think it will make me feel better. Not when I am doubting myself all the times, not when I don't know if I take the right decision for everything, not when I think I am better die than living. 

I always think of how my existence is important to everyone in my life. I know my parents love me, and that they are supportive of whatever I choose for myself, but everyday I feel like I am not the child they had wish for. 

I know how I am. Even if I don't understand much about myself, I know
my attitude isn't the best. They are the worst, the fatal fault of mine. It's the reason I am me, and is the reason why I am the most useless daughter ever. 

My parents don't always force me, except for some small matters. My mother never really force me to do chores, and I rarely talk to my father. I'm thankful of that, but it isn't suppose to be like this. I am suppose to carry some home tasks for them, but I don't do much to help. 

Especially to my mom. She's home everytime, but it always feel so wrong to have her do all the chores by herself. 

And now that I am in my last year of school, I think my mom is taking too much on her shoulders. 

As I have a big exam this year, she's giving me space to study. I don't study much, and it made me guilty everyday, to think that my mom need to handle the house, and there's her work as a freelance tailor. And there's my problematic siblings and my aunt and her daughter. 

And there's me, the first born of the family, the one who suppose to make her work lighter. 

I don't deserve to have this much freedom. They are giving too much, and the result is their daughters are all spoiled. 

I don't know how to do most chores. To be honest, the only chores I can do is washing the dishes and put dirty clothes into the washing machine. That's all. Pretty much everything else is handle by my mom. My sister doesn't do much work either. She's way lazier and dumber than me, not that I'm saying that I am better though, but she got more scolds than me. Though still, that can't be the thing to measure us. 

I have watch-listen to my mom doing her works. I always in my room, but the door is always open so I can hear everything from where I am. The walls separating my room with other spaces in the house is not that thick either, so I always know what is up in the kitchen and living room. These two places are where she often is, because she cooks for our family, and that her tailor stuffs are in the living room. 

I can hear everything. The machine's sound as she work on the fabric. The chopping in the kitchen. The coughing she takes in both places. The pressed buttons of the washing machines. I can hear them all, so I know she's making her efforts for the family. 

While I am grateful that I don't have to do much, it struck me of how useless I am. The least I can do is learn to cook and handle the dirty clothes for her, but even that I don't do. 

I don't know what to think of myself. I'm guilty. I want to help her, ask if she need me to lend my hand, but I'm not growing up into a normal teen. 

I'm socially awkward, and I can't even talk normally to my mom without picking up big courage. Mostly I will only talk if I need something for school stuffs. Others I just look at her, silent, not answering if she is not asking. 

I don't know what to do with this stupid attitude of mine, because if I can just get rid of it, it will make things easier for her. 

I've heard her complaints about us siblings courtless times. If my sisters-they are all younger than me- doesn't care about what she says, I take everything to my heart. 

I want to be useful to her for once. I want to hug her, say that I love her, and that I'm sorry she need to bear a daughter like me. A useless one that it.  But I don't do those. I don't know how. My family aren't one of showing affection through skinship, and I'm not the best in talking. I'm useless in everything, but still, I want to take something into my care, something that will lift up some of her burden, because honestly? 

My mom is much more important than some exams. 

I care about her, I love her, all that I do. I want to make her proud of me, but with how I am bringing myself, I don't think I can't do it. 

She looks so fed up with me and I don't know how to fix this. 

She never force me to do chores, and only on some free weekends does she ask me to help, some of which I didn't do as she told and she need to take the matter herself. 

I don't like this. I hate to be what I am now, but I'm too much of a coward to do something about it. 

I always hear her complaining about her cramps, and how I wish to massage her legs just to make her feel better, but I didn't do it. Because I never done that before and I don't know how to offer it without sounding weird, as I never do things like this. 

I want to change this, but I never take any action. 

Do you think there's other way?

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I did post this to my tumblr, but no need to know that.