It has been a while since I post a blog. And, today I have something I need to voice it out. I don't know who should I tell this to but I need to do it anyway to ease the pain in my heart so that is why I'm writing it in this site instead. So, as the title said, I sincerely need to deliver this to that person who I have been in love with since last year. It all started out with a joke but then I fall hard for him. I'm not sure when does it started but now that I realised it, I really love him. More than my first love I think haha. 

Dear you, 

5 months ago, when I first took a courage to text you after that cute text of yours, "safe journey" I instantly knew that you're just trying to be a friend with me. And, at that time I know all the consequences of what could have happen to me. I would be broken hearted, I would be left out in a friend zone as I'm not more that just a friend to you. However, I could care less of anything at that time because I thought that would be the price that I should at least pay to create some memories with a person that I like. (I wasn't sure I love you at that time)

So, our journey start. The secret, ambigous relationship that no one in our class knew. All of our friends did suspect something but I've never told them the truth. Just a bit of hint here and there. I have to admit, I am falling in love with all the good morning and good night text, the way you care about me even though when you're always denying it and your patience in handling a weirdo like me. My love for you grows and I become greedier. I become a selfish person and I want you for myself. And, when I realise about this, I started to distance myself because I know I am only going to burden you with my feelings. And, I know the fact that you would never fall for me as your ideal woman is nothing like me at all. I tried to walk away from the ambigous relationship, fearing that it is going to ruin our precious friendship. 

A few days later, you text me, asking if I am too busy. I have never tell you this but I was the happiest person in the whole world when you told me that you miss me. And, the fact that I am the first girl that you've ever done something like this with can't make me more happier. I want to tell the whole world about it but I was numb at that time. Because, I'm afraid to ask about your feelings toward me. I'm afraid to acknowledge all your hints. I don't want to lose you so I accept all of your words as something what a friends would say. That night, when you said that you would be jealous of my future husband to be, I thought there is nothing between us and that you were just saying it as good friend to me. Whenever it is start to rain heavily, you would text me saying I should be careful of cold, turn off all the fans and wear a sweater or put a blanket around me. I was having this delusion that you're playing with my heart just like all other guys would. Later that I realise, I was the one who plays with your heart. You, who never like a girl before, who never put a girl a priorities, who was always with his books, try to understand me, listen to all my problems and try your best to fit me, I have lost you. A guy who I love the most. I have never tell you once, but when you ask me how sure I am that you didn't miss me, I cried. I tried my best not to be greedy, to put aside all of my feelings. In order not to ruin our friendship, and not to lose you. When you said that you feel as if I don't want to talk to you in class, that I only talk to your friends, I can't help smiling. I know none of the meaning behind your words, but I can't stop myself from dancing all over that small, meaningless words. But, of course, I never show you any of it and stay as cold-hearted girl.

A few weeks later, I am started to feel that you're distancing yourself from me. Fearing that I was going to lose you, I did the same. I scared that I was just another burden, even when you constantly convince me that I am not. I let you left me, ignored me. I have never once ask what is happening because I thought that is the only way to keep you by my side even as my friend. I was more than happy just to be your good friend. And, that is when everything start to fall apart. Later that I realise, you don't even reply to my text, you stop caring about me and you don't even want to talk to me. But, what hurts the most when you can't even smile to me. You show me this expression that you have never even once showed me. As if you're mad at me. Even when you know that your smile is the one that I love the most about you. Even when you said that you will always remember about it. I tried to talk to you, convincing you that you're a great friend to me, thinking that it would make you come back as a friend, just like how it is used to be... But, I was wrong again. I did everything that I could but I just can't make you come back. I've lost a great friend, a person that I love, you, I've lost you. 

I know there is nothing I could do now that you have walk away. I am still wondering where does it all go wrong. What could have made you treat me this way? I ignore everything that your friend said when he said that you were slowly falling for me because you said you never talk to anyone about this. I was pretending that I am still liking my old crush whenever I realise that I have go overboard with my feelings. I did everything not to burden you with my feelings. I thought I have done my best to keep you by my side but I guess I was never enough in the first place. I have to admit, there was a small part of my heart that wants you to love me, but a bigger part just want you to be by my side, even as friend :(

I cry every night because of you. I miss everything about you. I miss your smile. I miss the way you text me, the way you talk to me, the way you laugh at me, the way you care about me, your expression when you were worried about me, I miss it when you would spend a time everyday just for me, when you listen to me, when you give in to me even when I know you love to win. Most of all, I miss you even when I know you didn't miss me.

It has been 5 months since I know you and I never regret any of it. I would try my best to keep smiling at you when I see you in class. And I will try to ignore every stare that you gave, in case it is going to make you hate me more. I appreciate every attention that you gave me. And I will remember all the great memories that we had. Thank you for ever coming to my life even if it just briefly.

Goodbye, my friend. I will pray for your happiness. I hope that you're going to find a person who will love you more than I do.

Ps: I will always love you.