https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kxbuiAAzzU

Hello followers and friends. 

I know I have been abscent for a while, not publishing much, etc - and I'll tell you what is happening. 

I haven't told much about myself, because I am currently ashamed of myself. Not my work, but me. In person. When I look at myself in the mirror, no one close to me knows how much I hate to see my own reflection.When I look at my arm, no one knows how much I want to relapse, cut again. Hurt myself again, for how much I have hurt my family, my friends.. Everyone around me. It's not them it's wrong with, it's me. When I'm alone, no one knows how muchn I want to die. How much I wish that I wouldn't wake up in the next morning, the next day. How helpless I feel, how I don't want to be here. Because when I finally have learned to trust myself, in my choices; someone ruins it, so I get confused again. Because I'm good at faking a smile, every second of the day; people close to me, see how far I have come on my journey, how I have gone from crawling, to walking on my unstable feet for a while, to now being back on my knees, crawling again. And I hate it. I hate it! 

My dad, he seems like he won't accept me, like I am. Now my mom, bonusdad and myself have learned to live with my diagnose, my damn autism; and that's why I wish I did not have autism now. That's why I wish I could be like everyone else, understand math like everyone else. not needing extra help, not needing any help at all. The wounds of hurt, betrayal, pain - most of all, guilt. The guilt, is slowly eating me up now. Lying again about how I feel, yet not. My autism, makes me like a damn ing glass; I break easily, but manages to pick up the pieces, alone. By myself, and fix myself up for sometime. And I honestly will say one thing, and that's my final words for this blog....

If you are having a hard time, I will give a you shoulder to lean on, a listening ear; but when I'm having a hard time, no one will give a damn interest in it... That is how it have always been, and it always will be. I can fight my fights alone, no problem.... I... 

Goodbye... For now...