I really should be sleeping. It's past 1 am and my eyelids are beyond heavy but my brain is just racing so fast and I don't think it'll slow down anytime soon.

It's weird thinking about how people I don't know may or may not read this little post of mine but what the heck. I feel like I'm going to explode if I continue laying down on my bed doing nothing and my options are limited since I share a room with someone so here goes nothing.

I have a younger sister. She's the person I care about the most but I used to be really mean to her. Mean enough to think that it's my fault that she doesn't believe it anymore when someone says she's pretty and more than good enough for anybody. Mean enough to think that it's my fault she has no problem talking about herself. It's probably not all me but I am definitely a contributing factor to her rather low self esteem. Now, she's not painfully awkward or anything like that. In fact, she's a much more social person than I am. It's just that it hurts whenever I hear her stress over not being pretty enough, not being good enough for somebody. We're on much better terms for years now but the guilt inside of me just won't fade and it still makes me loose sleep.

I was ten or so when I had my first "kiss". It was with one of my sister's friend. A female. We were standing around the waiting area. There were a lot of parents waiting for their children as usual. In my house, kissing is pretty much the norm. My parents would always kiss me on the lips when we said our goodbyes or in church after peace be with you. They also used to make me kiss my younger sister everytime I fight with her-as a sign of peace. So there I was on that waiting area with my sister and her friend(who also happens to be my friend) and I kissed her goodbye on the lips. I thought there was nothing wrong with it and she didn't mind as well. But oh god, the way those parents looked at me afterwards... it made me stop kissing my sister and minimized my goodbye kisses with my parents.

I don't believe in god. My parents are catholic but I have somehow managed to at least avoid confirmation. Well, I guess I am actually old enough that they can't dictate my religion, but the pressure is still there. Majority of the people I was born in are Catholics. That means that nearly everyone in my extended family is a Catholic. Currently, my passport and other documents state that I am one, but I do not wish to be one. Since young, I have never believed in the creation stories. I thought they were just that-stories. How I wish I had the guts to tell my family about the things I really want. The things I believe in. But that is near impossible with the way I am. Spineless. A runner who shies away from responsibilities.

Gosh, I didn't mean for this to be so angsty and but it just goes to show that my worries are rather juvenile.

I don't know. Too many things have been going down in real life and of course I just have choose to worry about the things that are not of much worry.

If I had a superpower, I want to have Tao's power in exo-time control. Well, I guess just more of experiencing the past. I'd want to experience the life of an athenian boy, in the golden age of the roman empire, the life of a girl in feudal china, a geisha in ancient Japan. What was it like living in a world not knowing what lay beyond those seas? Beyond the horizon? What was it like without all this technology? Without all the noise and lights of the twenty first century? I imagine running around an open field as a little girl, dressed in linen? I suppose, mother busy preparing supper as father checks up on the animals. Everyone is a farmer. Eating what we grow. I imagine being a youngster, believing in the myths, offering whatever I can to appease the gods in times of drought and famine. And then... I stop and think about how much time I'm wasting thinking about these things.

The funny thing is, after I think that, I go on to have a succession of not so happy thoughts and go back into the realm of my fantasies for escape, then stop and think about how much time I'm wasting and the cycle continues and I've spent hours half mindlessly wandering around make believe lands and half wallowing in my own self despair.

I like pink. I like this thing called choco baby. I like pizzas with stuffed crust. I love Huang Zitao's existence much to my disbelief. I like red. I like languages and wish I had more time to learn them. I like math. I used to love science, now not so much. I cry really easily. I seem to have a talent for making people feel uneasy. Everyone that's close to me have said I am weird in more than one occassion and by the tone of their voices, , I know they mean it and is a little freaked out by me whenever I spill a small portion of my deepest and realest thoughts but thank god they care enough about me to get past that. There's a higher chance of someone saying I'm weird if I take too much coffee or eat too much candy. Yea, caffeine and sugar aren't very good for my social life.

It's 2am now and my eyes are so tired I can actually feel the depression of my skin underneath the eyes. My brain's at least calmed down a bit. What the heck, I think I'm going to post this I dont even know what to call it.