So, this is supposed to be a forum where you post fanfic related things buuuut, I've always been a rebel so I shall be a total and well, rant about random bull.

First of all, this is late but I very heartily apologize for not uploading more frequently my fanfictions. When I started them, I was incredibly inspired by the band (I write sole BTS fanfics, you may notice if you read my stories). They were wonderful and led me to immense happiness. But I have started losing interst in them. I still love them. They are amazing artists and I am forever grateful to them for giving me so much emotions, emotions which I cannot comprehend even to this day. But I just do not have the energy to keep up with them. They're just so active now and I am unable to spend the time I used to on them.

That being said, I still listen to their songs (selectively) an still adore their antics on camera. They are adorable people and I will continue to write about them. But my fanfictions will be limited to AUs from now on. Every once in a while, I might upload non AU works I wouldn't be too hopeful on those...

To anyone who is reading this, well, hello. Hahaha.

So every year, I have always spent my christmas with the whole family. Yeah, two amazing parents and my three brilliant siblings. Though I am not of legal age to drink yet, we would always party on Christmas (and by party, I'm talking small scale immediate family get together where we would drink a couple of beers and other drinks and then laugh to our hearts' content. You know, some typical family meet) Quarrels were always a part of this deal. But all of this served a cathartic purpose and by the next day, we renewed our bonds with each other.

This Christmas, well, that didn't happen. One reason for that being that I am a college student now. And I live away from my parents. I currently live with my elder sister and my younger brother (my baby sister still stays with my parents) who are also students, by the way. But damn, we are nowhere near close. My siblings and I still share close ties but I just am so preoccupied with other things thatI fear I am not giving them any attention. And I feel guilt over that. Aside from this, I am always tired though I have not done a thing every day. everyday has just been so unproductive.

Being a literature student, I know that I should be reading more. But I am not doing that either. For many reasons which would be tedious if I write them all down here, I am unable to cope up with my books. Not just that, everytime I open a book to read, the words keep getting all jumbled up and I cannot focus. I cannot enjoy a story anymore. And I fear that this is affecting my reading skills. And even when I do finish a page, it takes me more than ten minutes. Just to finish ONE bloody page! I used to be able to read a whole book in a day... Fanfictions were nothing. I had this ability to finish long chaptered fanfictions in hours. But now, I simply cannot.

I'm not complaining but I cannot find fanfictions which make me really happy anymore.

My writing is also deeply affected because of all of this. While two years ago, I could type out a chapter easily within a day, now, it takes me ages to complete even a single paragraph. It's just very depressing for me, personally, to face such a fall. The ideas always come at ungodly hours and by the time I try to type it out (even a rough draft), it all vanishes away. I always forget the my ideas and well, that makes me sad...

This year has, personally, been very depressing for me. Yes, classes are going well. I do  enjoy my classes a lot. And I have found incredibly awesome friends within the college and even outside, which is something shocking because I was never good at making friends. But by the time I get home, I am always tired and i always regret that I am not giving due attention to my fanfictions and other stories that I write for fun...

This and a lot of other things have been disturbing me and it really is ing me up, for lack of a better phrase. The pressure of further education, of not getting good grades (I have always been a decent student) in my finals, blurring relationships with my family and other irrelevant (philosophical) fears have kept me so preoccupied that i cannot focus on anything. And every time I try to delve into anything, I always end up feeling depressed and crying a heck lot and eventually spend the whole day in bed doing nothing, scrolling through pointless memes and merely reproducing them on group chats...

I am unable to watch anime and read manga too! ANIME AND FRIGGEN MANGA! Like, these two were my ultimate sources of contentment! And now, all they do is just make me sad because while i know that they are amazing, I just feel that I will never produce such great works... Irrelevant, right? I agree too.

But I have decided to slowly but surely recuperate myself from all of this mess. It will take time. But I will. (Or, I will die trying... lol)

Anyway, this is more than enough for today. Anyone who is reading this (I really cannot comprehend how this site's readership/consumer base works. I tried to but gave up in the middle), I call to you for any reccomendations on how to remain productive. Not just with my fanfictions and other stories but with other things in life... (Wow. I sounded so... ugh. I cannot believe I just typed that out)

Indefinitely,

TypicalFangirl09 (aka Lei/ L)