It all feels very real to me somehow - truthfully I've been very awkward these days. It's not my first time liking someone, but every crush has its differences in how they effect me, I think.

It's pretty silly - I personally think; that I - nearly 21, has not seriously dated someone. Let dating aside, I haven't had my first kiss yet! Its pathetic. 

Well, I dont mean that kissing any pig would do, but its quite disturbing how deep I am down the oblivious and unknown hole. 

Speaking of crushes, I think I've only had two proper crushes on people. One, on a student who was perhaps three or four years older to me. I was perhaps 13 then. It continued for quite some time, until I was nearly 16, he was it.

We've never had private conversations and I never tried to pursue him as a love interest, but we spent quite a bit of time together - in which most of the time he was laughing at the silly things I said. It was alright, I was young. It bothered me, of course - but I always found myself guilty for not knowing enough, not feeling hurt because he didn't care for the feelings of the chubby girl wearing harry potter glasses. Time took him away, and he's still alive somewhere - I see him on facebook with his collegues and he writes on my wall to wish me happy birthday at in time . It wasn't a tottal fallout. It was just a fall-out-of-sorts. After 16, I figured he was beyond my grasp and stopped thinking about him. He was 21 or 22 by then and had started to steer life for himself, while I was stuck between the same pages at school.

From 16 to 19 years of age, I had no love interest. I was dealing with depression and anxiety without the pills (or perhaps I was not - they were just very stressfull years for me) and finally, I was done with school.

A heavy sigh of relief - and I started internships at a bank.

There was a workmate I came to like without much consciousness. He was a bit stubby (had a cute stomach I loved to punch when he wasn't expecting it) and never properly shaves his beard unless he's ticked off by the manager and was pretty tan. He was perhaps an inch taller than me (including his hair that he made stand).

The realization of me liking him was so out-of-book I surprised myself. My heart was in my throat and I was struggling not to squeak if he compliments me for something.

What I liked about him was his refined and unintentional attention to emotional details of people. He cared for others and somehow it just swept me away when he would look after anyone having a mild headache, or would go out of his way to fix something for someone else. He was very nice, and so timid at times, it would be impossible not to like him.

Yet again, he was four or five years older and unfortunately had a very narrow mind. He was bit of a ist (unintentionally - whenever I would bring up a proper argument, he would nod and admit that it could be true) and the plans he had for his future (such as travelling the world) and his philosophies (such as "I work to enjoy when I am not working") turned my mind around about him. 

We became really friendly, however. I went deep into the friendzone with this one. But it was alright. Although I liked him, there were too many clear reasons as to why it would never work between us, I never expected a relationship and it was alright. We would laugh at people who werent our type trying to hit on us, and try to build ourselves where we lacked. He would always lecture me on how to "appropriately converse"; as he thought I was too direct with what I had in my mind (and he always added that he liked that about me as an afternote) and I would try to drag him out of sticky situations he try to get himself involved in (as he was a er to make people happy - well most of the time - even he gets pissed off sometimes; I just find it cute and have a hard time trying to be on the same page as him)

I remember one time we stayed over time to finish work and he insisted I have to see the city lights from the stairway. 

  Well, I agreed. 

We were just awkardly standing there infront of the glass and it was as alone as I had ever been with a person I had even midly considered as a man to me. We were fourteen floors high up and the lights were far bellow us. We didnt say a word.
I wanted to see the city for what it was but my mind was yearning to see the trees as it should have been, many centuries ago. Colombo was - a long time ago, a part of a dense and rich rain forest. I wondered what the veiw could have been with all the great trees they could have been if we had not cut them down.
He gave me an odd look when I chuckled, thinking that it would be "very dark" with a forest before me and not street lights. 
Few weeks after my internships were finished,
he landed himself a job in a different country and I had to say goodbye to him. We text sometime, still.

And currently, I'm 20, and I've been looking at the dynamics of a relationship in a different angle. I don't mean to date anyone to break up with them.
Well, I don't really even know if I want to date or not - but I think kissing would be very nice (Again, not kissing any pig)... and why would I be suddenly saying this?

See, recently I dreamt of me kissing someone.
I can't recall who it was, that I kissed. But I initiated it, and left a short yet lingering peck on a pair of awkwardly warm lips. It feels too real to think about, honestly.
He laughed, and said "Your kisses are short".

Well, I agreed. I can't recall anything else from the dream.

Maybe Im being all emotional and hormonal because of my period. Sigh, I dont know.

Yeah - time waster of the day I guess.

Ill read this ten years later and laugh at myself.

K bye.