To be honest, I used not to have a bad mouth expressing foul words. But I titled this blog as I did because maybe this is exactly how I feel right now. But before that, I just reminisced the good old days. I used to be an avid reader-writer here in AFF but stopped for a couple of reasons. Continuing, I am turning to writing  as a matter of expression. I am having a mental, emotional and spiritual breakdown. 

Mental and emotional crises brought about by some family issues and unexpected events as well as peer relationships. Plus, I've got some school issues or more likely the judgment of other people about what I do. I tend to say that I am open and maybe even realize that at some points, I do. But perhaps, I have finally come to admit that I am a sensitive person trying to be strong.  I can't be an art of perfection.I can't really accept things I want and understand people I need. 

To discuss things more particularly, I am having relationship issues with my sister and I am having issues of controlling my thoughts regarding this matter. You know, she's a Kpop glutton and what she does makes me hate kpop and all those korean shows to the bones. Why? Because I cannot be like them. I am jealous because I cannot be the kpop artist she watches, pays attention at, knows every information about spends her time with, and I cannot be that person who makes her smile. Everytime we clash upon each other, it seems like we are less than strangers. I suppose being a stranger to her would be better, least she'd smile at me and not mock me on her thoughts.

Next, I  have this kind of issue again, of course, all relating to myself, of stupidity. I know I am stupid and ignorant about so many things but there are some times when I just can't take it. Or maybe, the problem is just that, my selective attitude towards that. You know, we are in the present generation where we are most likely aware concerning a lot of technological things than the elders. And apparently, my mom and my aunt are one of those people who've really tested my patience. Knowing basic internet mechanics have become so easy for me and I am having a hard time understanding  how hard it must have been for them. I mean, I know, we have generation gaps it's just that when I meet or talk to them regarding these matters, I am just so impatient to the point that it is being manifested in my actions. What quiet hurts me is the fact that I know my mom sees it and she feels... like maybe I despise her? IDK, but when it comes to other people, it's like I transcend from another dimension of myself and act like everything is fine, like it's totally okay if I teach them and I've got no issues. But when it comes to helping my own blood, I am just being so irrational. Not only regarding these things but also to some agendas like doing a favor for them.

Currently, I've also got some issues about my peers. Look, I've known this particular person who's apparently super sensitive and to have clarified for herself that she has separation anxiety. And for one, I am the type of person who doesn't really care much about simple things more particularly about friends. I mean, I value friends but perhaps I am not just really used to extending customs that I am not really used to. I grew up being independent and not really minding small shortcomings so maybe, things are becoming quite inconvenient as I get to meet diverse kinds of people I have to get along with.

Then, I've got this spiritual issues. I am going iver spiritual dryness and it's probably the hardest. Once I am literally going through it, everything else is affected. But I trust I can get over this. God is greater than all of this!!! Yeah!