So basically i just started my college two weeks ago. AND it's not the first after highschool. 

I did diploma in Fine Art in a university about 400km away from home but dropped out on my last semester thinking i could not take it (the work and the people around me) anymore. So one day without any second thoughts, I drove all the way back home. 

And my dad said figure out what I want to do now that you've quit fine art. So i decided on going for a Pre-U course in a college about one hour from home, meaning i could go back and forth from home everyday. So I did.

Entering new territory was hard. Yes it was closer to home but, before this, i've only been so close with people my own race, my comfort zone (considering that this is a multi-racial country I'm living in- Malaysia) the university where i went before was also only for us Malays only. This College i'm going to now, is majorly Chinese. and most of the students went to an International or private school before while I am from a National GIRL highschool. This fact alone, makes me worried of how I am going to make friends. 

Not only that, because i've spent TWO YEARS studying fine art all my coursemates now are 3-4 years younger than me. I was very worried on how I am going to fit in, in this new group of people. 
new one to this whole new experience and trust me, I'm trying real hard but sometimes I just feel like quiting. 

Two days of orientation, I didn't talk to anyone. someone said "Just sit there and someone will come to you and start the conversation" Well that did not work for me. the only person who talked to me was the course co-ordinator. I felt so out of place.

And honestly, I still do. At the end of the second day, I cried so hard I told my brother about my worries (on the phone while driving. I fin myself doing tht a lot recently) He told me to just 'go with the flow' and eventually you'll find someone. he also told me when he was in college, he didn't have any friends till 3 months later. I don't know if I could do that. But I'll just have to see.

One week went by and I still don't have one close friend to go to lunch with or even walk to the next class with. In classes, no one would sit next to me. Even  if i sit and maybe the second row, people would avoid my row and straight go towards the third row. (and they are still doing it) It makes me think,  What is it that make them avoid me. "Do I Smell" or "Is my face that ugly" or even "Is it because of what I'm wearing" It really puts me in a bad mood but of course I can't tell that to anyone. 

Though I do realise that this crowd I'm stuck in is much different that those in my last University. They are positive. They are talkative but they never talk about others. They share their opinions, their experience openly and others accept them openly as well. In the University I was in before, Everyone is critisising each other. What ever we do, someone will see and someone will talk about it. Every moves you take, will be a talk for other. Even if you want to study you feel like someone will talk about it like it's a bad thing. Everybody seems to be trying to bring other people down. The vibe here and there is very different. I feel like I'm in a different world. 

What is that all those negativity from the people there are coming to me and I am becoming like that. I start to think about what people would think of me. I feel the self-consiousness getting to me. I know that all these are the things that is keeping me down but I cannot help it after all that I have been through before in the old university.

I need to close that door and open a new one to this whole new experience and trust me, I'm trying real hard but sometimes I just feel like quiting. I know It's too early. But there is only so much I could handle. 

I do not know how to handle this. I wish to forget all those happened before and start anew. But it's hard. 

I'm not good in expressing my feeling. As a child, I was never allowed to show it whenever I am feeling well. it has always been " it up" with my father. And I did. I it all up but now it's just too much. I need to let them go.


I just need someone to tell this to and I know my family is not someone i can tell this to.