AFF username: Starrrrrrrrrrs and 13elievein15ELF
Story Title: Do Not Judge A Girl by Her Looks
No. of Chapters: 7
Rated?(yes/no): No
♪Opening
●Title- 4/5
Well first of all, well done on capitalizing the title! You don’t realize how many authors out there actually failed to comply to the very basics, so a round of applause for you. Other than that, I love how the title fits in with the story to a T, the whole masking thing really reflect what’s being delivered in the title; Apart from that though since the story is still at its start there isn’t any element that revealed anything to do with the title yet, so I’m anticipating for it! ^^
●Poster & Background- 4/5
Once again, the poster is really really well done in my opinion. I love how there’s the ‘masks’ included in a fading motion in the centre of the poster, with all the main boys queued in a line at the bottom. The cropping of the characters are done precisely, whereas the colours really suit the atmosphere presented. Although I wish for the girls to be included as well (since the story is about them after all) I understand the hardship to find 9 masked girls lol.
I would strongly recommend you to acquire a background for the story too! Something with similar colorus, and yet simply textured would do the job perfectly, it’d further add onto the mood~ and makes it less boring for readers as they read through the text~^^
●Description & Foreword- 7/10
First of all, I really like how you just presented all those information in an easy and yet straight forward manner. It shows that you’re in no way creating this story for any mischievous purposes, and that you’re taking the whole idea very seriously. Well done girl(s)! :D
Usually I hate how D+F sections do not contain character information, but in this case I’m liking the way it is – I like how I’m going into mystery, which in a way replicated the idea of the whole mysterious atmosphere this stories holds.
Although it reflects the amount of time and consideration you’ve put in trying to come up with an intriguing D+F section, but maybe you can insert a little decorations? Highlights on the fonts, putting in images… Just keep in mind that fanfics are different to normal novels, stories out there. A certain degree of decoration is essential when it comes to attracting readers you know~ :D
>>Total: 14.8/20<<
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♪Contents
●Creativity/Originality: 8/10
I like it, I really do. I extremely adore the idea of the masks; although not necessarily the most original out there, but if one is able to develop the idea you have there well – then readers are guaranteed for one hell of a ride. I’m really interested into how the plot would play out, and how the characters would improve throughout the courses. This storyline really allows potential for great events and occurrences~
I can’t really bring myself to judge anything yet since the start is awfully slow (which I’ll expand further in ‘flow’), but I really hope you girls can work the magic! ^^
●Plot- 15,5/20
So far, I wouldn’t say it impresses me, and I’m just on the edge of clicking the ‘x’ button. To me, the plot in the first 2, 3 chapters are really long – some events are extremely confusing and dragged out.
But what I find the most unattractive is the way the plot appears to be a little too unrealistic. I understand that it’s only a fiction, but sometimes there’ a line to beware of when it comes to ideas: For e.g. They are all fresh, new trainees that SM scouted right? And they’re already living in such ridiculous luxury from day 1? O_O A gigantic mansion, walk-in-shoe closets, a pool, maids… To me all this seemed a little over the board. Although in my mind I’m suspecting a reason behind all these extraordinary treatments, shouldn’t the characters themselves suspect something? Or to the least shouldn’t they be surprised considering SM isn’t exactly famous for its generosity?
Also I don’t really like how almost all the girls are paried with their biases from the start (except Haerin, Minri etc.) This makes the plot a little more predictable than usual.
●Chapter Titles- 3.5/5
I find the chapter titles tolerable, but not exactly outstanding or anything though. They fulfilled their purpose of summarizing the specific chapters to attract readers, but none of them really stood out to be as being ‘original’.
Oh and by the way~ remember to capitalized the ‘time’ in Chapter 2- Bonding time ~ :D:D
●Flow- 5/10
I wouldn’t say this is the section that’s the best out of all, no only it influenced the storyline itself, but just the tempo of it bothered me even when I was reading the story. First of all, I don’t prefer the way you end chapters- like in chapter 2, it appeared to be quite halted and cut short, and it makes me feel that you do not exactly know when to tie the know when it comes to finishing a chapter. Remember an ending of a chapter basically summarizes the whole chapter- either emotionally (within a character), or physically (using settings etc.) Or if you’re rather a skilled writer, you’d insert cliff-hangers instead in order to really captivate the audience’s attention until the next big revelation
And now let’s talk about the actual speed of the story. Personally, this is the reason why I think makes the story less enjoyable than it should be- the flow is unrealistic, and yet very :length, and advancing slower than it should be “I don’t know. I have a feeling it’s about us debuting. Most probably.”(chp3)- Debuting after getting into the company for one day? That sounds like a trainee’s dream instead of something that actual happens in real life! Also the lengthy chapters didn’t help much either, try to shorten the size of the text, and just enhance your points to avoid dragging out things too long for their sakes (I’ll mention this as well in writing style).
>>Total: 32/45<<
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♪Expression
●Characterization- 11.5/15:
I was a little eiffy at first when I learned that there’s going to be 9 girls in this new group ‘Exotica’- to me there are just too many new characters at once and I knew this is going to turn out messy. Having too many newbies at once is extremely confusing, and as a writer it’s going to be hard to bring out individualities from all of them. And the names also are no help since some of them are quite similar- like Minri, and Minli – you do know they are pronounced the same right! And then came the stage names…XDXD
Although it was difficult at first, I eventually managed to get a few personalities across from the 9 girls, along with the boys they’re supposed to be paired off. The most apparent ones would be Haerin, Minri, and Minjung. I love the tangled relationship between Haerin & Minri (the bestfriends) and Eunhae, along with Jonghyun – but it’s going to be hard with all the relationships I’m telling you! But so far you’re managing them well enough. I really like Minjung though, and Changmin, in other words this couple interested me the most~ ^^
But the others seemed a little too typical, or that there’s nothing that attracted me particularly. I hope other than ending up with their biases, there would be some new surprised or twists? :D
●Writing Style- 6/10
Judging from your D+F section, maybe I was wrong to expect more than I received. You seemed like an expert at the D+F section, but then it kind of went down-slide for me…
1) Beware of Tenses: Tenses is a HUGE issue in this story, and I can’t stress enough how important it is to have the right tense for the right time. “Every time a new girl enters and start performing”(chp1) & “Once they are back in the living room, Minhwan returns to s and Aesook saw that.”(chp3) & “Minjung’s mother quickly wipes her tears away, sniffed a few times and stood up from the desk.”(chp3)- the story is supposed to be in past tense right? I’ve highlighted all the verbs in those sentence and what they all have in common is – the way how the sentences seemed to contain 2 different tenses at once. Remember, actions, settings take the past tense form, whereas dialogues, character thoughts take in the present form.
2) The Insignificants: Especially in the ‘Family’ chapter I find this writing style of yours very obvious. The paragraphs in that chapter were solely on the description of the house, they were long and dull. Although it was detailed, I feel like it’s overloaded! Like I’ve mentioned before- try to emphasise on what’s important, instead of giving an analysis of the setting rather than a description. Also, try to avoid silly repetitions like this: “Did I mention that the girls are living in a 5 storey house?” & “Overall, it’s a villa with 5 storeys.”(chp2)- This is what I mean when I say the insignificants lol~XDXD
3)Expression: “As time went on, Hyukjae and Haerin chatted with jokes and laughter feeling the garden”(chp3) & “I even got ‘face’ from other people.”(chp3) “ BoA said with her arms cross that don’t look like teasing but actually it as.”(chp4) – Sentences like that confuse me at times. As a reader, I think I understand what you’re trying to put across, but you’re not getting there with your words. Only one method to solve expression problems: Read more! ~:)
●Mechanics: 4.5/10
Like I’ve said, I think judging from your D+F, I think I was anticipating a little bit more than I should’ve. The mechanics aren’t great girls, and the errors mostly fell onto the categories of ‘Tenses’ and just silly random mistakes that are easily neglected but very distracting at the same time.
*Mistakes:
>”They do not know why they are after this person nor do they know what the crime this person had made is. The only thing they know is that, the person they are after is someone powerful in SM Entertainment, which leads them to?”(D+F)- these sentences sound slightly awkward…hmm try: “nor do they know what crime this person had committed’ & the way you left off the sentence is a little off as well;
>”That earned gasp from Jonghyun and Taeyeon but Eunhyuk just gave her a genuine smile and signaled Taeyeon to start.”(chp1)- should be ‘gasps’;
>”Then the rest followed and now they are a step closer (?) to each other.”(chp2)- The question mark isn’t needed, the sentence sounds perfectly fine~;
>”Few a few acknowledgements and nodding, “(chp2)- don’t quite get what you were saying…;
>”Meanwhile, the 2 emcees had their mouth opened wide and were completely speechless. “(chp2)- should be ‘mouths’;
>” Hyukjae took the initiative to introduce him and looked at you. You smiled and sat up right properly.”(chp3)- you? Who’s you? How did the story change into a 2nd perspective style?;
>”And Shimi followed Kyomin in a flower shop.”(chp3)- should be ‘to’ or ‘into’;
>”Her mother’s eyes lid up upon seeing her daughter but since she was still in the middle of a small meeting”(chp3) “Taemin’s eyes lid up and he jumped about like a little kid.”(chp6) - should be ‘lit’;
>”The books that were supposed to be in her book shelve was all over the floor, the walls of her bedroom was filled with Changmin’s poster as well.”(chp5)- should be ‘were’;
>”since she has so many of my posters, I will help her paste it up”(chp5)- should be “would’ & ‘them’;
>”“Let me correct my question then, how did sneak in here? Security is tight.””(chp5)- should have a ‘you’ in-between;
>”“I have someone in my mind already, so don’t think so great about you.””(chp6)- should be ‘yourself’;
*Tenses:
>”But managed to actually make the dance nice to see, everything matches and that’s why she was accepted as the 3rd girl.”(chp1)- should be ‘matched’;
>”Haerin realized that and pout after that she click to read the text that someone sent her.”(chp1)- should be ‘pouted’ & ‘clicked’;
>”the rest just do not seem to fit into the 5 judges’ standard anymore.”(chp1)- should be ‘did’;
>” Every time a new girl enters and start performing, there will always be a judge that will sigh and tell her to stop and eliminate her.”(chp1)- should be ‘entered’ & ‘started’, ‘would’;
>”Juhye and Aesook both look at each other and look at the book that they were holding.”(chp2)- should be ‘looked’;
>”the reaction was similar to the previous 3 girls but this time the claps last longer.”(chp2)- should be ‘lasted’;
>” the song finally stop at the chorus and Haerin bowed to thank the audience.”(chp2)- should be ‘stopped’;
>”When they arrived at their dorm, their jaws dropped opened.”(chp2)- should be ‘open’;
>”As for these 9 girls, they are currently facing a landed house”(chp2) & “but the girls are still sleeping soundly in their rooms”(chp3) - should be ‘were’;
>”By enormous, it will really mean enormous.”(chp2)- should be ‘really meant’;
>” therefore she decided to stand up and stop Minhwan before he can enter Haerin’s room. “(chp3)- should be ‘could’;
>”“Haerin getting a call from her.””(chp3)- should be ‘got’;
>”she puts down her utensils and hugged her daughter. “(chp3)- should be ‘put’;
>”Surprisingly, the house doesn’t look run down like how the building looked like.”(chp3)- should be ‘didn’t’;
>”She doesn’t have to ask for anything because almost everyone knows Minjung.”(chp3)- should be ‘didn’t & ‘knew’;
>”Minjung’s mother then sat on her desk’s edge while Minjung sat on her chair, and they chit chat”(chp3)- should be ‘chi-chatted’;
>”Changmin took a quick look around the room and quickly but carefully place a sleeping Minjung on her bed.”(chp4)- should be ‘placed’;
>”He turned to face Minjung and for some reason, he softens.”(chp4)- should be ‘softened’;
>”ut when we reach, she was already sleeping deeply.” Changmin paused and glance at Minjung, Minjung blushed and looked down”(chp5)- should be ‘reached’, ‘glanced’’;
>”She quickly turns around to run off but instead,”(chp5)- should be ‘turned’;
>”He said and walked to SM’s car park to get into the manager’s van as he has a schedule next.”(chp5)- should be ‘had’;
>”When the both of them aren’t huffing and puffing anymore,”(chp6)- should be ‘weren’t’;
>”He instantly stop and Minri stop as well. “(chp6)-should be ‘stopped’;
>”Yunho quickly snap out of his stance and it was his turn to ask.”(chp7)- should be ‘snapped’;
>”“I will only say it because you sounded like you are jealous.””(chp7)- should be ‘said’;
>”she laughed a couple of time”(chp7)- should be ‘times’;
The mistakes I’ve picked out are not all – there’s a lot more that I decided to just cover one eye and look over. Try to separate out the chapters, so there isn’t so many text in one, which makes it easier for proofreading~ :D
*Btw: The famous high-pitched part in IU’s Good day isn’t called ‘3-octaves’ part, but 3’notes’ lol~ and also there’s no handstand part in ACHA for Eunhyuk, that’s Mr.Simple…(chp2) Sorry lol~ I’m a little musically sensitive…XD
>>Total: 22/35<<
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●Bonus- 2.3/5
Well, it did get slightly better as I read to the latest chapters, but the middle like (chapter 4,5) was a little harder for me to endure. I can’t, as a normal reader, seem to keep up with too many random happenings and information so that reduced my interest for this story~ Sorry…T_T
>>>TOTAL: 71%<<<
(out of 100 marks)
B3
I can definitely see the appeal of this story with its unique plot line and characters, but the actual expression lacked a little in my opinion~ but remember there’s always room for improvement! ^_^
-supshaz
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