I've never had a Best Friend :(

I was watching something tonight about best friends and I came to the realization that I've never had one.

In elementary school, the girl I thought was my best friend always liked other girls better than me. She invited them to parties and outings and I was left out. To me, she was my best friend, but to her, I wasn't even close.

When we went to middle school she completely ignored me and I was left to find another friend. I did find one and we were friends for 14 years. I thought of her as my best friend. We wrote stories together and even fanfictions. We planned on going to college together and being roommates as we studied to be writers. We did go to college together, but we lived at home and carpooled. I soon began to notice she'd invite some of my other friends to things and never even tell me it happened. It bothered me, but I dismissed it.

Then, after we graduated I lost contact with her. I didn't even know she was engaged until another friend told me. That hurt.

What hurt the most was when she planned her wedding and asked every friend we had to be in her wedding, but me. I was the only person in our group to be left out. I was only invited to the bachelorette party because the maid of honor invited me, not her. I left the party early because they whispered behind me the entire time and were planning bride's maid things. She passed out gifts to them and I was the only one who didn't get anything. I wanted to burst out in tears the entire time because the girl I thought was my best friend for 14 years, never was...,

I faked a headache and left. I didn't go to the wedding because I couldn't stand the thought of being the only one sitting in the pews while all my friends stood on stage. I've seen her a few times since then, and she acts as if nothing ever happened. I don't think she even noticed I wasn't at the wedding. I haven't confronted her about it because I hate drama and don't see the point. What could she say? I was the extra friend and she had to make some cuts because the number of groomsmen, so I was out...,

I haven't really had a friend since. That was two years ago.

There were a few people I met online I thought I was making friends with, but even they left me.

I guess I'm just the expendable friend no one really likes that much. They like me when they need something, but then forget about me.

I'm sorry my anxiety causes me to not text of call very often..., I'm sorry if it seems I don't care, when the truth is that I care more than anyone. I care so much that if you called me a 1 am and needed help, I'd be there.

Even when I told my former best friend about my depression and anxiety and that was why I didn't call often, she messaged me a couple times and then disappeared. She seemed really bothered or annoyed when I'd try and ask her for help, or just talk to her about my feelings.

If she was going through something like this, I'd listen to her until she felt better. I'd support her because I care.

But, it doesn't matter now. I have no friends now.

And, I've never had a best friend that felt the same way about me. I'm always the extra friend, the one that gets cut, the one who gets thrown away when she's no longer useful...,

Now.., I'm crying...,

 

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MeisterTaemin #1
I never had one either, or anyone I didn't have filters and walls up around.
It's sad, lonely and a little heart breaking. But we aren't the only ones this happens to.
I don't really mean we as me and you, cause I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable.
But idk what Im saying anymore, nervous...heh still, I'm kinda stubborn and force myself to keep smiling, even when I'm feeling sad you know. -gives all the hugs within your consent- You inspire people through your art and writing I'm sure, I guess that doesn't help but, I really mean it. You are a wonderful person...
Bulletproof_1004 #2
Hey! So, I don't think I've ever commented on any of your posts before, and I feel kind of bad about it. But this post kind of hit home with me. I've had a bad habit of picking friends all my life. People who walk all over me and treat me like I'm around only to answer to their beck and call and bend over backwards for them every second of the day. They act like my friends one day and the next they are making me hate my life. I know what you're going through, hun, and it's never fun. I'm around most of the time if you ever need to talk. I can give you my email, if you would like, I'd like it to remain private though, so PM me if you want. I hate hearing about people having a hard time because of friends. The point of friends is to have fun, and enjoy your time with them, like an alternate reality of sorts. You can forget about the tiness of life and have fun with people who care about you and WANT to make you happy. I hate it when friends take advantage of people, make their lives miserable. So yeah, if you want someone to talk to, please let me know!
Bulletproof_1004 #3
Hey! So, I don't think I've ever commented on any of your posts before, and I feel kind of bad about it. But this post kind of hit home with me. I've had a bad habit of picking friends all my life. People who walk all over me and treat me like I'm around only to answer to their beck and call and bend over backwards for them every second of the day. They act like my friends one day and the next they are making me hate my life. I know what you're going through, hun, and it's never fun. I'm around most of the time if you ever need to talk. I can give you my email, if you would like, I'd like it to remain private though, so PM me if you want. I hate hearing about people having a hard time because of friends. The point of friends is to have fun, and enjoy your time with them, like an alternate reality of sorts. You can forget about the tiness of life and have fun with people who care about you and WANT to make you happy. I hate it when friends take advantage of people, make their lives miserable. So yeah, if you want someone to talk to, please let me know!
babygreenlizard #4
What I put in here exceeded the limit, so please check your mailbox.
loser220 #5
Don't be sad. When I was young I put so much expectation with the friends I am so closed with. It is hurt when you felt left out or betrayed or the feeling of your fri didn't like you much as you expected.
Now I don't put much expectation when it comes to fri.
I will be there when they need me and help them as much as I can but never expect them to do the same.
Still I have best friends who I don't contact everyday but we still have many things to talk about when we meet,keep in contact when there's something changes or problems and understand and stand for each other when the time comes.
I wish for you that you will meet someone who you will be comfortable and understand each other soon.
I am not a chattable person but I always think you as my friend.
I have been supporting your fanfics since Miss Intimate Note and always thankful to you.
So if you need someone to talk about or need help,you can contact me.
Always welcome you ~~
Phu
charon90888 #6
Ohh sweetie!! I can be your friend. I love your fanfictions, your comments, your blog and admire how much you fight your own problems even when you feel like you can't any more. I don't write you much, because my English is not so good ( I'm from Costa Rica), but I always read you. And I don't mind listen if you need someone to hear you. Don't be sad, you can always meet new people. ;-)
Fluffoutprincess #7
Nobody ever had... 'best friend' thing doesn't exist
Kpopfan1983 #8
I can relate I have always been the "she a nice person but if I don't need you to solve my problems or side with me I don't need you around." I have always been the third wheel. It only got worse after I lost my mom. I became even more withdrawal and dealt with depression. So all my friends went on with their lives and forgot about me. I consider you a friend. I always enjoy reading your stories and blogs. You are a wonderful person and I am always here to listen to your problems.
kpoplover0809 #9
It's okay :) I'll be your friend❤️❤️
Wonachan #10
*hugs...so sad...but fighting!
hamhamheaven #11
I have a really difficult time staying in contact with people as well. Because I'm extremely introverted, I never want to go out or hang out or do whatever it is that "normal" people do for fun. I don't mind that they stop inviting me to things, but it definitely hurts when they also stop talking to me because of it. That's one reason I like the Internet so much. I can feel the support and friendship through a site like this, without all of the added pressure that comes from physically interacting.

We may not be physically present in your life, but we do care about you and want to support you.
colormesapphire #12
I've always been replaced. It's funny and sad at the same time. I'll spend years being the best friend and then a third new friend will join the group. Next thing I know, that new friend will steal my bff spot and I'll be the ignored third wheel. I lost contact with my 5 year best friend because we were apparently too different. I don't like to party, drink, go to crowded places, and I don't worry about getting a bf 24/7. She does. We got distanced when she got a bf because her whole world revolves around that guy. Even though the saying goes chicks before ...well you know. I have this huge anxiety of meeting strangers. I thought she understood but everytime she wanted to go out it'd be to a place that would trigger these feelings. So now she just avoids me and hangs out with her new best friend who isn't as problem ridden as me. Maybe if I were normal and my world revolved around dating guys and partying I'd still have friends. But it is what it is. We're not as normal as we'd wish. And on the side of analyzing things, if they behave this way it means they never were actual best friend material were they? I know that won't help the pain we feel. But we need to learn we should never be the one giving the most in any relationship.
MinnieCrafts #13
We might just be some people on the internet, but know that a lot of us feel the same way you do and we understand! You're not alone! We're here for you if you need people to talk to and make friends with.
I felt the same way and I was pretty detached to the thought of making friends online because honestly, the chances of the person you talk to online will just be a temporary thing and you'll be alone again. But don't think that way! I made a new friend who I can even consider a real friend who I can talk to about my problems and true feelings and that happened over five months ago, but here we are, still talking every day 'till this day. Online friends can turn into real friendships and eventually become your true friends. It can happen!
So if you need a friend, just talk to us, and we'll be your friend!
DevilsPetal #14
We might not be able to visit you or do things together, but we care about you - and I am not saying that as someone who reads your stories but as someone who is struggling too.
Of course our situations are different and I can only guess how you feel. Also it's different to have people around you and "just" over the internet. But who says it has to stay this way? Quite a few of my friends and I started out over the internet and even though we (still) live apart in different places we manged to meet one day.
I know it is not easy. I do. But don't forget, even if you feel all alone: That is not true. We are here and we care.
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