Since young, I've always wanted to be an actress when I grew up. It seemed really fun, and I saw that you could learn many things through acting. You can experience many things you've never learned before, like learning to brew coffee, or dance, depending on your role. Most importantly, you can be someone you've never been.

In my previous blog, 'Up and Downs in Life', I talked about doing something you like as a job. Because if you like your job, it would not seem like a job to you, but something enjoyable.

Other than acting, I really don’t have other interests. Sure, I do like Math and Science, but it’s not like I like accounting or experimenting on things or want to do something like that in the future.

The course I’m studying right now isn’t bad, it’s about Visual Effects and Motion Graphics, more of behind the scenes. But it’s not like I have interest in it. I’m just… doing it for the sake of doing it. Apparently, there is no acting course, so I have to deal with it.

But sometimes, I’d wonder what it’d be like to be in the scenes, not behind the scenes.

But after getting rejected several roles, I realised that I’m not as good in acting as I thought I was. I made some videos of myself acting, crying, doing weird stuffs, promoting stuffs. I always thought I was good in acting, but truth was, I never had any experience despite always wanting to act.

Apparently, when I was young, because of a very stupid reason, I decided to not to try acting. There was a drama CCA in my secondary school, but when I saw the people putting on make up and painting their faces, I didn’t want to try acting. I didn’t like make up, and I still don’t haha. But now, I thought if it’s for acting… I’d put on make up. For acting.

Only a year or two later, I realised that other than acting, I had nothing else I wanted. But it was too late. Also, the teacher-in-charge of the CCA was a strict and fierce teacher, so I didn’t dare join.

Although I like putting my imagination into writing, I also soon realised I wasn’t as good in writing as I thought I was.

My friends knew what they wanted to be when they grew up, be it social work, studying bioscience… there were many courses for me to choose from, but none of them interested me. Okay maybe the writing course did, but it focused on journalism, which I wasn’t interested in. Also, my English… hahaha. I got C5 which didn’t fit their criteria of an A2.

So, I decided to join a school that had a drama CCA.

Yes, I did it for acting.

I put my life on the line for acting.

If I actually didn’t get in that CCA… I didn’t know what I’d do.

Especially when I joined the school for the CCA.

They had an audition for the CCA, and I was a nervous blob. I never auditioned before, and I knew there were people who had more experience than me, and who were better in acting than me.

What if I didn’t get in?

I practiced a lot for the audition, but on the day on the day of the audition, I was a nervous wreck.

I had a nervous breakdown. (Okay maybe I didn’t cry or anything, but I forgot the lines I practiced so hard for)

But still, I tried to do my best, although I was literally trembling.

When it ended, I felt like I couldn’t face the world, I was literally burning from embarrassment.

What if my acting was bad?

What if they find that I think my acting is so good, but in truth it isn't?

But I knew that I did my best, despite being so nervous.

And… I could say that I was proud.

I didn’t know if I’d get in.

It was a 50-50 chance.

I felt like I couldn’t get in because I was trembling throughout the entire audition, and I thought they’d want experienced actors.

But I felt like I could get in because I did my best, and I tried to be as dramatic as I could.

Then I thought that whether I got in or not, I decided that I’d let fate decide. Whether I was meant to act, or not.

To be honest, somehow I felt like maybe I didn’t want to get in. Because if I got in, I’d have to keep feeling this embarrassed and nervous feeling when I act in front of others.

So when I found out I was accepted, I was overjoyed. I didn't think I'd actually get in! I felt like screaming and jumping around in joy!!!

 

But the thing was, whenever I had to act, I was a bundle of nerves.

Thanks to the CCA, I knew of many acting opportunities. I auditioned three times, but each time, I was rejected.

When I was rejected for the third time, I was furious that the person stole my role. (Because the third one was a small project, and I was shocked I couldn’t even get in)

I was asked to be an extra cast. I was just going to reject it in anger, but I thought maybe I should see how it’s like to be filmed on camera with the camera crew and all.

Somehow, it hurt because I was jealous, and I had to watch someone else play the role I thought I’d get.

But then I realised… that maybe I should stop being angry about what went wrong, and instead ask what’s wrong.

And I knew exactly what my problem was. I was freaking nervous and awkward, so I didn’t dare to act over-dramatic. But I didn’t know how to overcome this problem.

I was alright when I act alone, but in front of people, I didn’t dare to.

I thought maybe, I was bad at acting. Maybe acting just wasn’t for me.

I felt like quitting.

I thought maybe, I only wanted to act because I wanted the fame, and not because I really wanted this.

I was a shy and reserved person, not really the wild kind. So I thought maybe acting didn’t suit me.

And… I didn’t like lying. I always gave myself away whenever I did. I didn’t know if that has anything to do with acting or not, but I thought if I couldn’t even pretend to be happy when I’m sad, how am I supposed to act?

But then I thought about how I always dreamt of this.

I thought about how I scoffed when the CCA president hoped we wouldn’t quit this CCA, because back then I thought I would never want to quit acting.

Am I just going to quit like this?

Am I going to just give up like this?

I didn’t know.

I wanted to act, but I didn’t want to act.

I was so conflicted.

So confused.

But I knew that deep down inside, I didn’t want to quit like that.

 

So… I told my CCA president/friend about it, and asked her how to overcome this fear.

She was very friendly, alright. She’s literally the friendliest person I know.

She knew how to encourage me, to give good advice.

You know what she said?

She said, that I shouldn’t be scared or embarrassed, because what I perform is what people want to see.

And they’ll understand that that’s what I do because I act; and the CCA will help me along the way. That’s what the CCA is for.

I was afraid of being judged, and kept thinking that my acting isn’t good. But if I keep feeling scared and thinking that I’m not going to act well, then of course I wouldn’t be able to perform well.

And she said, that they all aren’t the best actors.

But because she sees my passion, that’s why I’m here in this CCA.

 

Ermergawddd I was so touched when she said it. I really felt like crying.

And if she believes in me… then I should believe in myself, too.

I realised that all along, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to act, but because I was afraid.

I was scared of failing, of being rejected.

I was afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone, of being someone I’ve never been before.

Of being laughed at or mocked for my acting.

But I should do my best, so the people who see my acting won't think that their time is a waste.

And also the sense of satisfaction of hearing the audience applaud, of knowing the audience enjoyed it.

 

Also, maybe if I had joined the drama club in my secondary school without anyone encouraging me, I probably would have gave up a long time ago.

 

I hope that gradually, I’ll gain the confidence I need to be the actress I’ve always dreamt of becoming.

 

I hope that one day, I’ll become something I want to be, and figure out who I really am.