2016. 09. 06 – My Self.

Usually I write about the society, the confined space I have to cope with, the unchanging and repetitive course of life that I have followed for so long; and I complain.
However, this time – it’s different.

This is for those who are currently having a bad time around. This is to tell them; that it get's better.
 

I haven’t been diagnosed as “Depressed” at any stage of my life, and neither have I taken any medication for this purpose. It could be a good thing, it could be a bad thing. But now that I’ve walked past that point of my life, it no longer matters which it was.

However, during the time I assume I wasn’t feeling very active (antonym: depressed) – suicide, or at least the idea of it; at one point was my sole savior. Referring back to the blog posts or personal diary entries, it becomes so obvious that at one point I started to believe that death truly would mean the end of all suffering. So constantly indulging myself in the pleasure of such bliss – not having to endure beating, or constant insults; suicide really felt to me, like the gates to be opened to step into peace. Luckily, I was never that much of a romantic.
Whenever I would think of myself dead, my immediate thoughts follow – of how my family with cope with such a tragedy (my perspective since then, has changed immensely given the right amount of time), of how my friends would receive my death, of how it would affect the reputation of the ones I love – such as the teachers in my school, my instructors, people I looked up to – and suddenly, suicide was one step below the answer to all my problems.
Later on; however – I started to think about suicide like this:
What does death give you? Nothing. (Strangely, although knowing this from the beginning, it still felt like a better option than all the misery I had to live with) One day, you would be lamely dead.
It was a funny thought when it first came to me that way.
You would be dead, but people would continue to live, continue to love, and continue to experience the little things about life that still couldn’t show themselves to you.
The world won’t stop spinning, girlie. Only you’d be dead.

The effect of this realization was drastic. Suicide started to sound lame to me. Suicide started to sound like a waste to me. Suicide was no longer the savior I wanted it to be. Where the road divides between life and death, suicide was the sign board that pointed at the end and listed everything that I would miss on the other side.

It just happened.
I just realized something the world had been trying to tell me so many times, over and over. The value of life. Life truly is an amazing thing. You can’t steer it freely; but you do have control of it. If you’re still not making a living for yourself, not doing a job, not earning some cash to spend on your own, it probably is hard for you to see how you can take control of things that happen to you. What makes the difference is when you start to build yourself to a stable position where you feel like you know (even if it’s just a tiny little bit) what you’re doing with yourself.  It makes a difference when you start to have your share of responsibilities and start to cope with the general crowd and fit into it. Life isn’t about fitting in, but rather than to fit-out and chase, to fit-in is a great start.

If you’re suffering now, life really is the only thing that could make you feel better later. If you wish for company, if you wish to be understood, if you wish to be accepted, death can’t bring these things to you.

Only life, and the decisions you make while living can. Once you end your life, you lose all control of it.
It’s just a shame.

Truthfully I’ve always been wary of people. I’m not conscious of them; but I am just weary and full of doubt. It’s very hard for me to believe that some people do not bear ill-intentions. I could say I am skeptical. I still am. Truth to be spoken, at this time an age, every woman and man alike, should be.
This is the filthy world of distorted by underhand drugs, slavery and abuse, just a threads distance away from collapsing into a nuclear was that could distort the world up-to the moon.
That is the world we live in. Manipulated and completely ed by man, this is a world at the verge of its death.
But still, there is beauty in it.

Still; this universe continues to be the most beautiful and fascinating thing ever to exist. All you have to do is look up to the sky on a cloud-clear night to realize that you yourself – is an element of this greatness.

All throughout my school years, I haven’t succeeded in making friends I had faith in. I was content with surface relationships and I never wished for more. In fact; I was convinced that there was no more to relationships than courtesy.

But that’s not true. When you’re entitled to a portion of work, you’re also entitled to a portion of trust and faith. It’s truly a shame if you’re not in an environment where your effort is appreciated. Because I was not; and thus I never realized it. But it’s important to give yourself value, and even more important to be surrounded by people who give value to you.
It’s silly to think that the whole world would discard your effort. The whole world is a place bigger than you can ever imagine.
It’s filled with all sorts of people!
How could you be so sure of anything about everyone?

By love and relationships, I did not mean the romantic type.

Love your friends, trust your relationships, make more friends, break a limb, have life fail you sometimes – because they all add up in the end.

People are really very different from each other. You can make friends out of some of them, and you can’t make friends out of many of them. But still, everyone is not the douche-bag they are assumed to be. It was a very nice, refreshing and enlightening experience, getting the chance to work at a bank and meet all sorts of people and share a relationship with them and build a bond that you could always go back to.
These are the things I could have missed if I had lamely embraced death. How awful could have it been if I had died thinking that people are all and I will never find my place in this big place?
Clearly I’ve made the right choice.

I’ve always wanted to discover something and add a little to the world I was born to. I wanted to pursue my career in biology but I wasn’t as lucky.

Throughout my life I had made some serious misjudgments and had suffered due to my stupidity. Whenever I have to make a choice of taking a step forward, all the stupid dumb I have done would come down spiraling on me and would make me second-guess even a single word before it leaves my lips.

Taken that I have always had trouble (and still do) with my parents when it came to trusting one another – it was inevitable that they wouldn’t find it within themselves to trust a task such as pursuing biology (as we all know this is an expensive road to walk and student loans are out of the question when I don’t own any property of my own) onto me.

I can’t blame them; it makes sense from a different point of view.

It’s truly a shame I cannot pursue a subject I truly love and connected with. However, I have chosen a different and easier path to walk – and is currently very uncertain about the decision. Some adults I met said that it’s alright. Some adults I met said it wasn’t very organized. Some asked me to sort my priorities and some said just to relax it out, that I still have time. Some said it didn’t matter, because at one point I would get married and would give up my career in whole.

Truthfully they all sound sensible from a different point of view.