So, today is the first day I'm at my Dad's again for this week, I come here almost every week. I have to watch my older brother's four kids because he and my Dad have to work. I know it's selfish to say I don't want to watch them anymore but it'd also be a lie. I do not like the way that they act but I can't blame them for it because it's how they were raised and my Dad is constantly yelling at me because of my brother acting like that around them, like I'm supossed to fix it, and then turns around and does it himself. They constantly use the N-word around the house even when they know I hate it and I've told all of them to stop. Are constantly running around and using the word gay for bad thing and much more vulgar words. I hate that they have no respect for anyone else yet they expect it themselves. I just got into an argument with my Dad over one of my friends actually. He kept questioning me and questioning me about her and I was getting so frustrated. And my breaking point was when he said, 'Well, why should she stay when you obviously know nothing about her?' Even though he was asking questions that you wouldn't even be able to answer correctly anyways, things that people keep private. He says I don't know any of my friends but he doesn't know them either and persistantly talks about them like they are the biggest pieces of imaginable and I hate it. We haven't got along since my Mama decided to finally leave him when I was eight, it's been over eight years and he now treats me like he did her. I told her about how he tries to guilt trip me and act like he never said anything to get me to stay and she said he did the same to her. At least now I understand why she left him. I wasn't able to understand when I was little but now I do. He acts and says things on impulse, uses your own words against you and is always judging people for what they are and what they aren't and I just can't wait till I don't have to come over here anymore. I've been scared of him for so long, always wanting to make him proud and do as he says but now I know that that is an impossible goal that no one can ever reach. He can't be pleased so I'm done trying. I'll do things for myself and for the ones I love but not for people who haven't and won't believe in me. I've wasted the majority of my childhood trying to be good enough and stressing the out of myself for it. I've been depressed for so long because of it, I'm able to hide it around others with a smile and lots of laughter, It's not always fake though, I am truly happy sometimes but never here. We can't go a day, a few hours, without screaming at eachother or me crying about it and it makes me feel so weak, like I can't stand up to him. I just want out of here, I'm done with him.

*Anyone is free to comment if you'd like, though I wouldn't even know how to respond to this mess but thank you if you took time to read about my trivial problems.