ive mentioned it before but if you didnt know yet: i see a therapist because lately ive been very out of it and it started to get visible to the people around me and i thought i needed to put an end to it.

to put it in short.

it started with simple disinterest in things i usually enjoyed. then came disinterest in anything, other than staying in bed or behind my pc or phone. ive always been underweight except for last year but i had a weight drop from 51kg to 48kg (probably even lower now) in a very short time (im 167cm tall). it got to the point where i didnt enjoy being around friends anymore, i didnt like a companion, i honestly prefer being alone. its not like im always a sad mess or something, i can laugh too. i can enjoy times, i can be around friends just fine. i just dont prefer it. because even though i am capable of doing everything, i started to feel really empty. it started to work against not only partly my friendships but also my grades in school. it wasnt until march when a friend finally convinced me to see a therapist.

to make this clear: im a very open person. i really am, i dont bear many secrets and i dont keep stuff private as long as it doesnt get spread as if its world news (but im not that interesting anyway so it wont)

and to be very blunt right now, since yknow you're all just people from all over the world who dont know me in real life, my mind started to fill with suicidal thoughts. this, i did not share with my friends. didnt share with my teachers. i dont know. i dont want to use it as an excuse for my behavior or my grades, but at the same time of course i know it truly did play a role in how i am socially and in how less im able to focus on stuff. but still, i feel like i shouldnt excuse myself for it. its my fault my friends are starting to feel distant and my grades are dropping. i did tell my therapist, and i actually also told my brother. he called me selfish, hah. i agree, though. isnt it selfish of me? wanting to put an end to my life when there's so many people who care about me around me. my parents, my brother, my friends, those in real life and on the internet. its selfish of me to run away from my problems like that, but leaving behind those who care about me scarred and suffering (even if only for a little while, i'd still feel guilty).

i asked my homeroom teacher for a talk, for tomorrow. i was thinking maybe its better to actually tell her honestly how im dealing with stuff. but, idk. im starting to regret asking her for that talk. you see, im having my finals at the moment and if i get a lower score than 76 out of 100 for dutch, i wont pass the year because i already failed two other classes (economy and physics even tho i chose neither for next year). id have to repeat the year, and it would be devastating to me. my parents would be so disappointed. i would be so disappointed. also, my physics teacher detests me. honestly the thought of having to spend another year with him brings real tears to my eyes (yes thats how ty i feel around him). the norm to pass the year is having only 2 failed subjects, but if i dont reach that 76 score i'd be failing 3 subjects classes. i know from other people that if you have issues, they loosen up the strings. but then again, i really dont want to use it as an excuse. and yes I KNOW its not an actual excuse because its something that truly led to it but i cant help but blame myself for it instead. whats wrong with me? 

random but.

lately there's been at least three teachers who quietly sat next to me or stood in front of me asking if im alright. i think they were worried; i mean, they seemed sad and serious. i dont know how to explain it. last week i also had a classmate coming to me asking how i was doing.

"because you've changed so much. the mehak i knew was so lively and bright. you were so cheerful and all 'yayyyy'. now when i look at you, you're always so silent. its a vibe saying, 'please no, dont look at me, i just want to go home and be alone and drown myself into my kpop paradise. leave me alone.'"

and he is a friend, i consider him one. not close, but he's a friend. and he noticed a change. and i dont know what to do with that information.

yeah idk why i wrote this post. if you read it till the end, im sorry for wasting your time. im gonna study some more for my german and physics finals for tomorrow.