I never realized that my one-shot was so similar to my life... Although without the harsh beatings and stuff- but mostly the drinking that my family does and how I'm always ignored and mostly the one getting yelled at or something that I probably didn't even do.... I guess I really did write it based off of my feelings, it's weird... I never realized how similar it is. It did take a long time to write, there was originally going to be but I decided against it after reading over it and I changed a lot of other things throughout the story. I find it kind of amazing how I can write, but I find it hard when I can't find the muse for it now... I mean... I'm so emotional that it affects my roleplaying... I just don't know how to put stories into words that are in my head. I always feel like writing about my roleplay relationships and the plots that happen with my characters... But than I decide against to avoid my own sadness.... Writing is hard, it's the same as dancing. It takes practice until I'm good at it. On a side note, I keep feeling even more depressed about myself... I've gotten discouragement a lot lately.... Like people don't even know me and they discourage me... I find that ing rude and inconsiderate of my feelings. Yeah I have feelings you stupid . I really want to audition for JYP, but this depression and the voices inside my head keep making me feel like I'm not good enough in my dancing.... And my singing sounds terrible.... But it's probably just me idk.... I never really posted a video of me singing anywhere besides when I was in choir last semester.... But that was it. [annoyed sigh] I want to escape sometimes.... Maybe all the time.... I'm such a bad person.... I can't remember well, I can't do academic courses very well (ESP math), I can't keep my attention for long periods of time, I'm such an annoying person sometimes too, I'm quiet but I'm suppose to be loud because I was loud before and very clingy... Everything changed in a matter of seconds, all because my friends were embarrassed with my behaviours. I'm not saying that I don't like my friends, I'm just saying that being that loud and annoying person was fun for me. I gave no care whatsoever to people's thoughts because that was me. Right up until grade nine....................... The year that has changed me so much that I actually hate myself for listening to people who didn't like how I was. I shouldn't have listened. I shouldn't have let the ing comments get to me. I hate judgemental people. I hate people who are so ing mean who have to go so far as to hurt others. I hate it. I really ing hate it. I'm ranting but I don't give a . I keep contemplating things that I seriously should not be contemplating because that would make me an even more stupid . But sometimes I just get so ing depressed that I hide all feelings and fake the happy ones just so that people can stop ing shoving their nose into business they shouldn't. I keep joking about killing myself to myself, my mind keeps doing that to me. Putting scenes in my head where people didn't even ing care that I ing died. They just sat there and shrugged their ing shoulders. I'm a difficult person for myself. I'm too ing scared to see a doctor because I've always thought my problems were ing time consuming. I hated the smell of doctors offices. I never liked doctors at all. Sure they can save my life but that's not going to change how I hate going to someone who has to ing listen to crap that probably happens to many others. I hate myself for doing something to please my friends. I really ing hate that I listened to ing comments that shouldn't even ing be pointing at me, I know myself better than others. I'm a person, I'm a human, I'm just like you but different. I'm suppose to not care what you ing think of me. I also hate the fact that my depression makes me feel like a ing ty . I'm so done with myself that I feel like drowning myself. The depression is becoming so much.... But being stubborn, I still don't want to go to a ing doctor about it. Ok..... I should stop.... I'm letting things get to me..... I need to stop. My rant is over................ For now................