Have you ever wondered how it feels like to die? Would it be painful? I mean, how does it feel to be helpless? Not knowing if you still have the chance to live? For what hope will you still hold onto? Would it feel like.. you can’t do anything? You can’t move or speak. You’re just waiting for darkness and sleepiness to take over you. Giving in to the depths of nothingness that will soon accompany you to eternal slumber, never to be woken up again. I, to be honest, fear death. I’ve got a whole lot of things ahead of me. Whole lot of opportunities to take, whole lot of changes to make. For a still middle school student like me, I still haven’t lived my life to its fullest. I haven’t tasted the freedom of being alone and independent. Making your own money and satisfying your own needs. So, thinking of the feeling of dying is kind of odd, right? But I have always wondered how it feels like. I remembered myself when I was seven, I think. I would stay up late at night, letting myself get consumed by my thoughts; fears mostly. I think of the weirdest things to have ever been thought by a seven-year-old. From thinking of myself as a creature of the unread; half-vampire half-human because I look so pale and sleeps at mornings and afternoons but awake at night and dawn. Thoughts like what of money literally grows on trees? Would people plant more trees? Or more so, would the trees still provide people oxygen albeit producing money? I think people would plant more of them, considering the unconditional greed of humans. I bet people would kill just to grow those money-bearing trees. And thus leads to another crime; murder. Which still connects to death. I would also think of zombies. Zombies are kind of like my main story of my dreams and nightmares. In my dreams, I would be that awesome girl with telekinetic powers along with elemental forces, and could fly. I fight those zombies and protect myself. Surviving from the deadly apocalyptic virus, I struggle to find more survivors and to locate the where about of my lost family and friends. In my nightmares, I was a helpless little kid in the apocalypse. Powerless, no one to turn to, no one to protect me and no one to accompany me. Just me. Plain old boring me. Eventually, I would still struggle to survive, everyday losing hope. Counting the days to when I will die. I force myself to keep going, trying to escape my fears. But what is there to live for anyway, right? I was dying. Who knows if I’ll turn like one of then? I don’t know. As to when I wake up, I almost can’t tell the difference between fantasy and reality. I was stuck in the middle along with my fear. I was scared. Being fed up by the monsters that feed on my emotions. Having those nightmares haunted me every single night. My fantasy dreams where I was still full of life lessened. Nightmares increased. Fears expanded. Monsters populated. I was getting deeper and deeper. I can’t see the future, I can’t see the past and I can’t see the present. I was blinded by the darkness. I can’t move nor can I speak. It feels painful, not physically but emotionally. I was so tired. I was losing hope. I was so helpless. That’s when I realize. I’m slowly dying. I’m giving in to the monsters that haunt me. I’m letting them consume me. I’m letting myself be like this. Thinking no one cares. Thinking I had nothing to hold onto. All this time I was thinking of things that I want to acquire. Things that I want to have yet I don’t make myself do anything about it. I was too occupied thinking of positive things, only lead me to be on the negative things. I took everything for granted. Now, here I am. Loathing in this room. Writing this one last paragraph of my depressing essay. But with no due dates of passing like in school. Not graded by the professors in class. I’m slowly seeping through the void. Facing the darkness and my fears, not even bothering to overcome it. My eyelids are feeling heavy. I can’t seem to keep my eyes open for any longer. I guess those pills did surely come in handy when times like this do come. Just take a handful of those, shove it in your mouth and you’re done. I’m done. I’m ready. And ah, now I known what it feels like.