just in case this will somehow reach you.

ps; to my friends who know about this, lol dw i'm over it!!!! i just wanted to post this here hehe 

written 10/31/15

You once told me you wanted us to communicate. So here I am voicing out everything I have to say be good or bad, here they are.

The past 32 months has been a big rollercoaster, I can't tell if it was good or bad but I do know that a part of it was good. We were happy at some point and whatever we had kept us going when we felt there was nowhere else to go but down, well at least me. And yet again, I've forgotten how many times i've said this but here I go again, I'm beyond thankful for the 32 months that we've spent together. It wasn't all good, there were countless broken promises and goodbyes which were later on replaced with new promises and hellos, but it was great a ride. And this is the probably the last goodbye I'll ever bid to you because after this I don't think you'll beg for me to stay anymore.

First of all, darling, I'm not the love of your life, your work is. But hey, I'm not complaining at all, I'm actually very happy for you. I'm happy you found something you love doing, I'm not so sure if you do love it but oh god considering the amount of time you've spent working oh dear I hope you ing love it so much. It took me more or less 2 years to realize that I'm not your number one and will never be no matter how hard I try, love, i will always be last for you and I've learned to accept that. But then, I'm not perfect and I'm sorry for that. I can't understand everything no matter how I try. I don't understand how you can't spare just 5 minutes in a whole month for me. I don't understand how you can tell me you miss me terribly when you've exerted zero effort to try to talk to me. I don't understand how you can lie about me being important to you when I'm clearly not. I don't understand how you can just forget about me for so long then just come back when you feel like it. I gave you a week, a week for you to just come back to me and say hi, it takes two letters for me to stay, love. Just two letters and you couldn't give them to me.

All I asked from you when we got back together for the 3rd time was a little time and yet you failed to do so. Is it really that hard for you to give me a little time? It's just a little and I still couldn't get any. I'm sorry I'm not worthy of your time, I'm just another girl on the internet anyway. I'm in no position to stop you from working so much, what could I give to you anyway? A few words on the screen? Nonsense. I have no right to jeopardize your job and your life by asking you to take a little time off of your work and just come by and say hello. All I could offer was a few words and my love. I guess that just wasn't valuable enough. In simple terms, I'm nobody in your life. Probably just a pastime of yours.

Second, I'm sorry for giving you pressure. I'm sorry I pressured you into taking care of me and looking out for me because I'm depressive and suicidal. Maybe that's the reason why you stayed. I was a wreck and I couldn't be left alone. I'm sorry I'm too much to handle, I have way too many baggage for you to take in. If that's the reason why you chose to stay with me all this time, I'm sorry you had to do that and put up with my episodes all this time. You don't have to anymore. I can handle it on my own now, at least I like to believe that I can. I'm sorry that all I've ever been lately was a mess and a burden for you. All I had was problems, problems you probably felt you were obliged to fix, you didn't have to. I can't be fixed, I'm beyond repair. But thank you for trying to fix me anyway. Whenever you tried to fix me, I felt okay, I felt like everything was fine because I had you when all this time you were the one who was able to make me cry myself to sleep way too many times because you kept on leaving me hanging and waiting for nothing. You were one of the reasons why I was so broken. You fixed me and broke me at the same time.

Lastly, oh god I'm running out of reasons to keep talking, I wish you all the best that life has to offer. You're a wonderful person and you deserve someone who's just as wonderful. Someone who loves you so much and understands every aspect of you so well. Because it's not me, I love you oh so much i think I've left none for myself but I can't understand you even though I want to, I just can't. Maybe I'm still too young. I hope you find someone you cherish so much you can't fathom to leave for a day because as much as i hate to admit, it wasn't me. I mean, you could leave me for months, I'm pretty sure you could stomach not getting to hear from me for a decade. Oh, it's almost the age for you to marry, right? I hope you find her soon, maybe you have and that's great so keep her and tell her she's the one before it's too late. I'm leaving so there's nothing holding you back anymore, if ever I did hold you back from meeting other girls in the first place (which I highly doubt). That girl you're going to marry someday, I bet she's going to be wonderful. If she understands you well, looks past your flaws, makes you thankful you have something to wake up for in the morning and loves you a lot. Keep her. Do everything you can to keep her. 
I want you to succeed even more with your job. I want you to achieve everything you want to achieve in life and more, much much more than that because you deserve everything the world has to offer. I want you to be happy. All I want is for you to be happy at the end of the day and thank God He let you live one more day. I'm sure that enough can make me happy as well. As long as you're happy with your life, I'm going to be fine. I don't know what more to say so... I love you. I'm going to miss you so much. Please don't think that this is easy for me. If only you know how much my chest hurts right now and how much tears I'm shedding as I'm pushing myself to let you go, you would know how hard this is for me.

For the last 32 months, you were my whole world, my life revolved solely around you and that's why I need time for myself. I need to redeem myself and build my character again. I might still come back to you I just need a little time for myself, I need to find myself but when that time comes you might have left already. I know that for the first few days, even weeks, I'll still be here checking up on you but I won't be saying a thing because I'm supposed to be gone, please know that I'm not. I'm still here creeping on you.

Please don't forget your meds when your migraine acts up. Don't forget to rest whenever you can. Don't overwork yourself. Don't get too stressed and take breaks off of work. Don't keep all of your problems to yourself. Never forget that I loved you, maybe i still do, and that 4000 miles away there's someone who still cares so please take care of yourself.

I'm not cutting all connections with you. When time comes that you need someone to talk to like when work gets a little to much. Talk to me here or on Line, if you have one, my username is hxraya. Don't expect a fast reply tho, h ah.

A part of me will always love you. I'll miss you so much.

from,

old K&A's iu