i swear i'll reply to comments from my previous blog post after this, but i just gotta get something off my chest first.

so you know how i have lots of haters, right. and like. whatever. it's been years. i'm used to it. the more frightening thing is haters who are disguised as readers.

like, normal readers. the ones who act really nice to you but talk bad about you behind your back.

i remember there was this one person... she usually left nice comments on my fics... but then i found out that in another author's blog post, she was ting on me, saying i was copying ideas from other authors, that my fics , etc.

like, did you think that i wouldn't know about it just bcuz it was a friends-locked post? i have friends on aff who see and tell me things, you know :/

i'm sure she wasn't the only one who acted like that. two-faced. being nice to you in your face but talks bad about you behind your back. it makes me so uncomfortable tbh. it was one thing to deal with straight up hate. it was another to be afraid like, omg this reader is being really nice to me but is she secretly insulting me behind my back? who can i really trust?

and people who said stuff like "omg this fic is my fave!" "you're my fave author!" etc., but turn around and rec fics of other authors and didn't mention me at all. it's one thing to read my fics and not like them (bcuz i understand everyone has different tastes) but if you're gonna say stuff like, "omg i love this, fave forever", and then ignoring me and recommend other fics instead, it just makes me feel. inadaquate. that your words are lies. and then i can't trust nice comments bcuz idk if you really, truly like my fics or not.

it's instances like these that make me just want to lock all my fics tbh. /laughs/ this makes me remember back when i privated Love Dealer bcuz the hate was getting out of control.

idk if i've told you this, but i really do read every comments i get. and i try to remember the names of people who've made an effort to talk to me before -- by messaging me, leaving wall posts, or commenting on my blogs. just, you know. people who want to get to know me and have interacted with me in ANY way.

i once got a message from someone asking me to let her read my locked fics. she said how i'm her fave author, that she absolutely loved my fics, and kept re-reading them before they were locked yadayada. and i just stared at her message like. #okay. bcuz when i went to her history, she has never once commented on my fics, upvoted, or even tried talking to me in any way in a message or a blog. she acted like i was invisible, yet i saw her leaving posts on other authors' walls telling them how much she loved them. and i was just ?????? like plz don't try to lie to me just so you can read my fics lmao. you ignored me completely but when you couldn't read my fics anymore suddenly i'm "your most fave author ever"?

like i know readers aren't obligated to comment on fics or talk to the author. i'm not talking about that. i don't mind silent readers. what i mind are those people who lied and only said nice words to me so they can read my fics lmao. like i can see through your lies. and i do notice the people who genuinely, sincerely are nice to me.

so, i mean. if i happen to lock my fics and make them invite-only or move them to another place that are friends-only or whatever, i think you know yourself if you'll be one of the people invited. :)

p.s.: i'm setting LD/LK and NRSB to invitation-only for now bcuz i'm feeling disillusioned. no, i have not invited anyone yet. yes, i will make them public again once i feel better. no, idk when that'll be. (LD was invitation-only for like. 4 months...)

i'm going to sleep now bcuz it's 8am and i've been up all night. once i wake up i promise i'll reply to all the blog comments of the previous post and this one. sobs sorry for the late replies, ok? this week was my first week of school so i've been super busy and stressed... T.T