I appreciate you. 

Every number, every view, every sub or up vote. I recognize you and I love you.

But that doesn't stop the silence from killing me. 

I mean I know I don't have anything to complain about, I still get subs and attention to my fics but it takes a while when I see the notification for "new comments". 

Real talk, maybe one of the reasons I post so many one shots at once while still having on going stories is so I can fill a void inside my heart at the silence on those fics. 

I personally post one shots more so I don't have to worry about updating in the back of my mind but also because I wouldn't question why one chapter has more comments than others, why one chapter has no comments at all. 

Y'all know why I do author's notes? So I can interact with readers. Like hey, "hope you liked it" literally translates to "let me know please". Its like the politest way for me to say it because I've stopped sort of asking for comments/up votes, etc. I say things to talk to you guys, inform you, so do me a favour and read them. 

So yo readers! All readers! Specially ones who aren't writers AT ALL. 

A comment gives us life especially one that actually connect with the damn chapter. 

You know how a fire doesn't keep burning if you don't add wood? Its the same concept with being a writer.

However those comments that say "update soon!" That's like a cup of water over our metaphorical fire. What the hell, please don't. 

We're human. 

At the end of the day, writing a fanfic is NOT a priority.

Wanna know why?

I can't speak for all the writers out there but for me, it's a hobby. I LITERALLY GET NOTHING OUT OF THIS and I do it simply for the love of writing and kpop. Its something that de-stresses me and I have such a burning passion for writing you guys don't even know which is probably why I'm on a mood rollercoaster like every other day because I want to be a publishing author one day so this site is my test run and... I don't want to finish that statement because I'm too sad to.

Anyways what I'm saying is we have no obligations to finish fics, to make quicker updates, to change our stories to meet your expectations, to write about popular pairings or idols. 

If you think we should, well you.

Those stories belong to us, we put our soul into them, our heart to make something that was created in our minds. 

Like honestly I can say my fics are my horcruxes. //shot//

I'm now going to talk about that emotional roller coaster I was referring to. 

Writing is hard. 

Whether that be for an essay, a project, a speech, etc. 

It's difficult and no one can tell me otherwise.

The variation of difficulty can be different though, but for me fic writing can be easiest thing in the world one day, and then BOSS LEVEL HARD the next. 

So motivation is so nice. So so nice. 

Ever run before? And have people cheer on the sides? 

See someone score a goal and the crowd goes wild?

Finishing just ONE chapter alone is a goal in my book, but when I look at my reader audience and see no one standing up to clap-its harsh and makes me wonder if I should have made that goal in the first place. 

If you need another picture, let me do it kpop style since it seems like a language that everyone understands here:

Imagine your favourite idol group performing their title track of their newest comeback on stage. They've perfected the moves, they've memorized the lyrics, made sure they weren't pitchy, all smiley for the camera.

They are tired of the work and effort they put in, they hadn't sleep fully in a while, but they did it, their comeback is STRONG. 

Except when you look at the audience, not a lightstick is bouncing in sight, not a single fan girl scream is heard. 

Its worse when your idol group has finished and the song has ended because THE SILENCE IS DEAFENING. 

That my friends, the people of AFF, is like what writing is like. 

All we want is to be acknowledged for what we do. 

Those groups you admire so much, they became trainees and worked to be an idol because that was their dream, but the reason why they still perform and put in that hard effort? It's because of fans. 

So you readers are our fans. 

That's why we love you all with no exceptions. 

But it hurts.

Like I get that stories can stop interesting people anymore, or they forgot the plot, need to catch up, and readers can be just as busy to not read updates but bro, if you're reading a story and you like it please say so. 

Don't stop because there are a lot of other people who would do it for you, don't stop because you feel like you would be repeating what someone else is saying. 

Just start, and don't stop. 

I mean I notice my readers. So much. The ones who sub all the time (like the significant difference between total subs and unique subs on my stories make me happy tbh), the ones that comment all the time, or up vote everything. I remember your usernames, and y'all light up my world when I see you. 

I will never thank you enough for giving my stories a chance, for reading them and liking them. 

I mean that's why I have such ups and downs. 

Case in point this whole freaking blog, I basically started out angry and insanely sad and now I'm just appreciative. It goes with the territory I guess. 

But seriously, nurture the authors behind that story you're reading. 

I may sound needy when I say this about myself but I yearn for care and attention. ;_; especially with stories I put ALOT of thought into. Like I NEED that validation. I AM INSECURE EVEN THOUGH I LOVE WRITING OKAY. 

One comment from one reader will not substain me. I will like you and probably wonder why you stopped commenting more and then wonder how ty my story must be. 

A bunch of comments from the same reader will make me love them but not my story because why only one? Why the same ones when I have about 10x times the subs? Where are y'all at? How you liking my story? I see the views but like hello how are you???

A bunch of comments from a bunch of readers. The ideal case but its a hopeless pipe dream right now.  

Like I am so bitter I advertised on my stories when I hadn't finished it because while I got more subs and more comments on that day, when I posted a new chapter--the comparison makes me salty. That's not even me talking about how I compare myself to other people out there sometimes and wonder why they get more attention.

Confession: I like my style, I KNOW I HAVE MY OWN WAY OF WRITING so I shouldn't compare but what did others do that I didn't?

This is why I hate popularity but if being popular means more attention fic wise then so be it. 

You know some readers are probably going to justify that writers of books don't get feedback like we do. 

Yeah true, but those writers get money from the books they publish. 

The money for us? You guys, your comments okay. 

So literally what we are providing for you guys is free. 

DO YOU KNOW HOW AMAZING THAT IS? 

Seriously fanfic writing is so lovely and we're so lucky to have internet and good writers so we can read all about characters and worlds that are created. 

Shout out to all you fanfic writers, thank you. 

Jeez, it's past midnight now and I've rambled on for 1k because I literally did not stop to edit or pay attention to what I'm writing because I'm saying everything that has been stewing inside of me for weeks. This is my truth right here and its a mess. 

I'm pretty sure I repeated myself alot lol. Whoops. 

But I'm posting this because I'm tired of keeping it inside of me, like it, here you go. 

TLDR FOR THOSE LAZY PEOPLE WHO WILL JUDGE ME BASED ON JUST READING THIS PART ALONE: I SAID ALOT OF BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE (AND ALSO CARE WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK WHEN I SHOULDNT) BECAUSE OF SILENT READERS. LOVE ALL READERS BUT COMMENTS ARE LITTLE DROPS OF HEAVEN AND I AM NEEDY FOR ATTENTION AS A WRITER WHO IS TRYING TO MAKE IT IN THE FANDOM AND IN THE WORLD. I DO THAT CRAP FOR FREE OKAY SO SAY ALITTLE SOMETHING. 

Also quick thing, problems matter. Every single of one them does so don't undervalue them because you compared it to something else. It hurts you someway so it does matters. You matter, whoever you are and whatever problem you have. 

Finally thank you to those who might read through this. I applaud you.