If I was to get straight to the point and say it, I really don't know what to do with my feelings or my life anymore. I'm in this mass confusion state where I don't know what I'm feeling, the only thing I know is that this thing I feel is very dark and negative. What scares me is that I almost want to agree and follow this dark and negative thing. 

I think it all started when I was in Florida, after months of denial and pure frustration, I've finally accepted where I was, the situation I was in, and get use to life in Florida. It wasn't long afterwards that I met someone who made my life ten times brighter than it already was. And it felt so nice, I finally had someone when I needed comfort, and someone when to cheer me up when I felt the tiniest doubt or unhappiness. People said that home isn't a place, but a feeling. And I've found my home, after years of loneliness.

I started to love life, love the place I was in, the people I'm with, the life I'm living. All because that one person became my home. I never admitted it, and when I lived those moments I never thought about how I've found my home. But when my mom told me that she wanted me to leave, move back to California, where the original source of my misery was, I felt my happiness crumbled away. I was depressed, I locked myself up at home, refusing the touch of the people around me, and basically went everywhere with a fake experession on my face. 

And I couldn't take it. The stress built on, the sadness built on, and I'd never felt more deserted, more abandoned, more lonely. I thought I was never going to be happy again, I was at a point where I wanted to die. Then, my mom changed her mind, and let me stay. And the happiness never returned to me the way it came, but rather, it gave me a new perspective. I didn't just lived the moment away, I learned to value the moments that I had with that person, and with everyone else I was with. 

My mom, she was one to be indecisive, and wanted to leave again. She wasn't just talking this time, she  went and bought the plane tickets. One big tab, laying there, waiting to take me back to the place I've grown to fear. I've never felt so alone. I was pulled into mild depression, and I began having suicidal thoughts, and searched it all up. "Easiest ways to commit suicide" those words became familiar on my laptop. Maybe I thought of it wrong. I thought. Maybe I shouldn't think of the extreme yet. So I got help. I visited the suicide hotline website, and talked to a counselor. 

But that's all that they could do. Talk. Give advice. Say it's okay. That I'm not alone. That's all that it is, just words of encouragement that I've heard all my life. It doesn't help. Encouraging words doesn't help if you're stuck in a deep ditch waiting for a hand to pull you out. They're just words. But I did it anyways, I talked to the counselor. It didn't help. I've felt even more lonely than I should, I was angrier than I was. Angry at the world for giving me a life where I was not appreciated, angry at life for sending everything my way when I've went through more than enough. I was most angry, at my mother, for taking my happiness away by bringing me to Florida, convincing me that life'll be good. Just to take it all away from me five months later and bringing me back to the place I thought I loved.

I have no hope now. I don't even feel it. 

There's two phrase of depression to me. One, is when I feel it mentally and physically, and emotionally. When the thing I love became the thing I despite. When everything around me had to look depressing, like me. And two. When I don't feel it physically or emotionally. But mentally. And it's the worse of the two. Why? Because it's during these moments when you could be laughing and having fun, playing games or chatting, with an uncertaincy depression deep down within, unconsiously dragging you down.

The first phrase, is where I want to die and is physically trying to do it. The second phrase, is where I've given up on feeling, is dead inside, and is no longer consious of what's going on with myself. I don't know what to do anymore, I really don't. I'm at a point in life where I thought I was going to be excited and feel happiness again, when all that I've felt was....emptiness and loneliness. I'm at a point where being dead is better than being alive. And being dead will numb away my mentality. So nothing can be on my mind, and I can live the rest of my existence in my dreams, no worries, no disappointment, no loneliness, no negative feelings. That's all I'll ever need. That's all I'll never get.