Hi guys! Yeah, I'm Sarahwood. Well, that's not my real name but that doesn't matter. Bcoz what I am gonna tell you guys today is much more important. Please continue reading if you want to know my plight.

So, my dear friends. Judging by the way I reply messages to my readers (for those who don't know, my fanfic is titled 'My Stepbrother, My Lover') you guys must be thinking that I'm always happy and cheerful and stuff. But no one knows about the battle I'm fighting everyday.

So, I wrote this about eight days ago, while crying. I've bottled up many things in my heart and I can't bear it anymore. So today I've decided to tell the world what I'm going through, although no one knows my identity. But i'll feel a bit relieved, and that's more than enough for me. At least someone knows I am not who I look like.

Anyways, I would like to thank anyone first hand, if you choose to read about my life.

Stay happy always, and live life to the fullest.

Spreading love from me to you ;)

                                                                                                                                                                                 -V

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Peace be upon to anyone who's reading this letter now. I'm probably dead by now, or maybe being tortured in a suicide prevention centre. A therapist who's done with her own life might be lecturing me. Or maybe, I'm by God's side, peaceful, looking downwards at the world which is ending slowly. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm continuing my life, hiding away all my pain from the world, acting like nothing have happened, not giving anyone the slightest clue about what I'm going through and what I've gone through.

You might be wondering to why I choose to end my life. You might be thinking I'm weak to do such a thing. Or you might just read this 'another teenage suicide letter' and forget it in a month. But my purpose is not to entertain you with my writting, nor to leave an impact in your life. I just want to state the reason to why I did this, so that you won't cook up a story to tell the newspapers.

I've had a very bad life since young. I grew up with my parents and grandparents. I was always the smart girl in my family. I used to get 100 marks for my Science, Maths and English. My family was proud of me, until they decided that I'm useless. But I'll get to that later. My parents used to beat me up when I'm young, for those small mistakes I've done. You can say I was abused, but they still loved me. They bought me all the things I asked for. They celebrated my birthdays merrily. They bought me presents, clothes, shoes, accesories, books, bring me to the movies and stuff. But what they don't know they did is, they left a deep, deep scar in me, which will never heal.

I was beaten up by my dad, when I fought for my rights, when I choose to tell my mom about it. I was beaten up (and kicked violently by my mom, when I was just 11) when I told her about the rude things my brother said to me.

My whole family might be thinking that I choose to end my life bcoz I'm depressed by my studies, but they don't know that they're the main reason I did this. Throughout my life, I've experienced a lot of racism, prejudisim, bias, discrimination (mostly of my skin colour and my race) and a lot more other bad things. And then, my so-called best friend choose to bully me, take advantage of my naiveness. She bullied me everyday, for 4 years. She crushed my soul, made me feel helpless and made me wonder what have I ever done wrong to her. She spread false rumours about me, making people think I'm the bad person. She told them I did what she did to me (eg; pulling hair, controlling). I finally managed to tell my school caunselor and he helped us to solve the matter. But it didn't end there. We went to the same high school and she continued with her evil tactics to bring me down. But I became strong and fought back each time. I had new bestfriends, but they never treated me like one. I was always left-out and they prefer my ex-best friend more than me. Then I decided that they don't deserve me. Then I found another two best friends. They're the best I've had. They made me feel happy and confident about myself, which my past best friends had never done.

I was 15. My dad wants me to get 9As in my PT3. He pressured me everyday. I studied and studied. But somewhere in the middle of June, I stopped and wondered. Is this life? Was i born in this world to memorise some facts from the textbooks and write it in my exams so that I would get an A, but to never use those facts ever in my life? As I grew up, Maths got harder for me. I got As for the first few exams, but Bs for the mid-term exam. I'm not good at Maths, but I was very good at language and literature (Bahasa Melayu and English). But for my dad, once I got B for my Maths and KH, I was stupid. Just, stupid.

I got number 1 in my first two exams, I was happy, but not confident and fulfilled of my achievement. I got number 1 because i memorised some stupid facts and wrote them down in the exam paper. My marks was no much different from the guy who got number 2. He felt bad, I know. I wish I could just comfort him that this exam doesn't measure our intelligence, these grades doesn't determine our future and you don't have to be sad that you've got a B for your English because you're way more smarter than that, its just that no one acknowledges your hidden potential. The society says that you're only good if you got straight As. But you shouldn't let the society determine who you are, because you're better than them in any ways.

But how am I suppose to tell him that, if I was raised, forced to believe that you're only good if you've scored straight As in your exam. That is when you're considered smart. When I've got 6As 2Bs and 1 C(the first C ever in my life) in my pt3, my father comforted me that its all right, you can try in your SPM exam. But when he gets to know that my classmate got 7As and 8As, he changed almost quickly and called me stupid and useless.

I feel burdened by responsibilities. I've never enjoyed my childhood and my teenage years. Since 15 years old, I've took the knife many times, and hold it dangerously close to my wrist, but had never the courage to slit it. I was scared. Scared that it would hurt. Scared that maybe there was light at the end of my dark tunnel, but I'll be missing it if I died now. And I'll put the knife back in its place and continue my daily routine.

When I tell my mom about the stress, instead of helping me, she'll start to scold me for being weak. When she comes from work, she'll scold me for petty things. But I'm the one who'll do all the work at house. I clean the house, wash the dishes, dry the clothes, do the prayers, feed my cat and when I've done doing all those things, I sit down and study. Am I bad for doing these daily? What about my brother, who comes back from school, increase the Tv's volume and use his handphone from morning until night, sleep and NOT study at all, talk back to his parents, being extremely rude to everyone, never respects anyone(especially women) hurt EVERYONE'S feelings, abuse my cat every single day and do all the bad things a son and a brother can do. Why does he receive no punishment?

And recently we fought bcoz he abused my cat in front of me and he became a monster in a second. He tried to hit me but my mom blocked him. He used vulgar words on me and justified his acts. He said I was the one wrong bcoz I choose to pick on him. Well then, let me ask you my dear reader. Was it wrong to ask him to stop abusing my cat? Was it wrong to ask him to switch off the lights and the tv when not in use bcoz we're trying to save money due to the financial problems we're facing? Was it wrong for me to advice him to respect our mother and not hurt her feelings? Was it wrong for me to ask him to study so that dad won't scold him? Was it wrong for me to do good for this family? Was it wrong for me to consider other's feelings?

And when I choose to call the police when he turned aggresive, I was slapped and kicked by my mom. My spectacles broke. My cheeks bled and I was bruised.

After that, I chose not to talk to my mom and brother (i still cringe when I call him my brother). I've decided that I have no blood ties with anyone. I didn't consider him as my brother, nor did I consider her as my mother. The word 'mother' is such a big, meaningful word. But here, I want to say that my mom doesn't deserve that title. Because she had FAILED as a mother. She failed to educate her son. She failed to bring her son back to the right path. She failed to protect me when I was attacked. She failed to give me support when I needed it the most.

Yes, she might have bought all the things I have asked since young. Yes, she might have dressed me up in expensive clothes. But, she failed. She had done the thing that no mother should have done to her daughter. She crushed and tore me apart. She made me feel helpless. She kicked and slapped me. She made me feel I wanna die. She made me feel like I'm a piece of garbage.

I developed depression, anxiety, social-anxiety, and so much more stuffs, which I kept a secret from everyone.

That was when I decided.

There is no light at the end of MY dark tunnel.

What's the use of me being kind to everyone, respecting everyone and their feelings? What's the use of me helping those in need? What's the use of me praying for others? What's the use of me to have an ambition that once I grow up and work and have a lot of money, I'm going to help the kids in Africa, and the people in Syria? What's the use of asking my mom for a hug, when clearly she wants nothing to do with me? What's the use of helping my friends solve their problems when eventually they'll leave me after using me? What's the use of studying and scoring all As for my spm, when eventually I wont be send overseas to study by my goverment just because I'm not bumiputera? What's the use of me to hurl a smile at anyone on the street, when eventually, I'll be judged?

Thank you very much, God, for giving me this life.