Hello there, 

for the past couple of rants I was pretty much depressed and I had to vent out all that anger inside of me, probably it scared some of those who read it not understanding the amount of  negative-ness  that my rants carried. 

and I apologize on that. 

Jan 17 2011 I remember that date as if it was yesterday, not 5 years ago, it was the day my father was hospitalized and we were told that he has cancer. 

it wasn't a shock at all , it was so normal to hear it, cancer ran in the family that we were expecting the news sooner or later, but it was a very harsh memory. 

I remember him not recalling my face, I remember mother asking the doctor not to share anyone his information and that included us his children , I remember how betrayed I felt, how helpless I felt, I couldn't even donate blood for him because I didn't share his blood type, I just felt betrayed because he knew he was sick before being hospitalized and never cared about it. 

I remember him coming back from the hospital a very different man , so different that I told mother BRING MY FATHER BACK! I remember I did shout at her telling her that this man she brought home wasn’t my dad, that if this man she brought home stays I will consider my own real dad dead, as harsh as my words sounds it felt like that.

The man that came back from the hospital was nothing like the man I know as a father,

Somehow looking at it now , they gave him 9months to live, but hello it has been 5years and he is still alive, whether it was surgery therapy or all those damned visits to ER in the middle of the night it was worth it.

The bad thing is that this man that lives in our house is the ghost of a father that no longer exists.

If you are reading my words and think that I am frozen , cold hearted person , well … it is up to you, but you can’t be in my shoes and see that look on your dad and hear him asking who you are, for sure you were not there when he kicked me out of the house because I refused to give him money, for sure you were not there when he entered my room and started searching in my stuff wanting to see if I am hiding something bad or doing something bad. For sure you weren’t there when he broke a TV set that was bought for the whole family just because it didn’t show his fav TV channel, I was hospitalized twice, and he never once showed up in the hospital, the minute I told him I am going on an internship to Japan he stopped talking to me for 2months as if I never was born.

Those were the things from the memories that made me announce him no there. Funny that right now I am in Japan with 7hours difference in timing and every time I wake up I check my mail phone messages and wonder if he is surviving or if something bad happened to him.

I am not cold hearted I am not frozen I just feel that I had to grow older than I should be, I am afraid of being happy because the minute I am happy something might happened and take all that happiness from me.

Living with my family made me wonder if I deserve to be happy or not, and to be honest I am scared of happiness!

In my first rant I told you what I expect people to do once they read this rant and to be honest I got couple of comments and people talking to me about my rants, believe me as dark as I sound in real life I am not that dark.

I refuse to show people around me that sadness inside because I don’t want them to feel burdened , I am sorry if I am writing this on the internet and making you feel burdened but I am doing it for a reason.

As I started my scarred journey back in 2007 I only had people in the internet talking to me and encouraging me , I was ashamed of telling my feelings and fears to anyone, I was so not ready to share my thoughts and I was so much insecure.

I truly wish that someone was there to tell me how it felt, to make me feel that it was ok to survive that ty of a time *and pardon my language here*

But seriously I wish I had that chance to talk or read about someone’s problems to make me feel better.

I am writing it now because maybe someone will come across those pages and in the midst of their angst anger and fear will see that they are not alone in the world, that somehow there are other people around the world who suffered and still suffering but they decided to carry on.

I decided to carry on, though I had many chances to say I quit! I had many chances to runaway, end this life and even collapse into depression but I decided to carry on.

If I was to be extremely depressed and in a stage to worry you I would have not written those words, I would have ended things all but I am not going to leave without a fight, at least till it is my time to leave.

So I decided to write these lines, because as a human being at time I still feel alone neglected undesired and sad, I need to talk about those feelings as much as I can to survive.

Sharing those lines is not as easy as writing a fiction or trying to look popular because they are true emotions true daily life memories that were kept hidden and for too long kept hurting.

Now I am in love , now I live in a place where I wanted to live, now I try to live day by day in order to overcome those moments and now I want to share those with you all to give a chance to teach other people and tell others that it is ok.

I only have those words to share so please keep the faith and try to beat those monsters inside your dreams.