so actually, my friend told me to write my 2015 short confession. actually, i hate 2015. because i lost my bestfriend, call me old fashioned but i always think we will be best friend until i die. i can't believe that last night my bestfriend start to talk to me like i'm a stranger. we have been separated for 2 months, and i just can't forget her easily, but she did. that's why i got so angry when 30 december 2015 she posted her photo with her new bestfriend on instagram.

i told his boyfriend, saying i'm done with this . i told her boyfriend "am i that trashy?" and then she started to text me, and she is different. i suddenly felt like i am far away from her, i can't even reach her again. dammit, a good way to end 2015 right? and in the end i told her "ex can never be friends, so just leave. i don't even think i could see you as a living things again". she is smaller than me, 1 year . i swear to myself i will never swear her, but that 30 december? i totally text her that she is a . 

i just want to laugh my off,  but instead i cried till about 1 am and i can't sleep and i won't eat and my paintings? i destroy it into a black puddle and all of my friends start to text me asking whether i'm okay or not. now i"m mixed with desperation, sadness, and i don't know. just a lot. i can't even hate her, it's impossible. she used to be my bestfriend, i can't hate her even i force myself to. i can't have a grudge on someone too, so all i feel now is i'm emotionally destroyed by her.

that's why i don't even get excited at 2016. cause i'm back at square one, where i use to close myself. the person i trust the most betray me, my bestfriend is the person who can make me open myself she is like literally know 85% about me.

i tried my best to fix us. i will even jump for her. and now i'm emotionally tired, 2015 . and 2016? what's so special? i will close myself again, i don't even want to care anything more than my grades and my college plan to australia. i just want to get the out from here, and forget everything. i don't want to use people to forget my pain, i'll hurt them in the end. 

nothing even matters anymore, i just stop caring. no wonder my mom always says that i can't feel anything.