A lot of s happened, reason enough why my crappy works are left there rotting XD I was really planning on updating every fanfic I did (even the completed ones) because it is my first year in AFF and I just want to give them something small (CRAPPY) as a payback for being nice and appreciating me and what I have done despite how bad they are. Ideas are in my head, some written already; while some are still being processed cause they are cringe-worthy. But my cat died, He is one of my favorites cause he reaaaallllllly looks like woollimie, It took me months before I could recover, and when I was about to write my stuffs, I CANT FIND MY DRAFTED WORKS! NONE! So I would be retyping it all, since the ideas are swimming in this small brain, and it needs to be written for the sake of my sanity.(I HAVE STARTED THIS BUT I GOT BUSY WITH SCHOOL AND INFINITE EFFECT) When I was recovering from grief, depression hit me again. When Infinite’s world tour was announced I just felt that I needed to save my money to be able to go. I asked my parent’s permission to go (My mum won’t allow me) and prepared everything. Since my Mom is using her witty words to imply that “NO, YOU ARE NOT GOING” (She is mean like that. Such a bully.), I tried ways to persuade her to let me go. And I told her that if I pass all the subjects, she should let me go (I was positive by then that I would pass) and she is saying that she needs my grades to be higher (SHE WANTS 2.0 AS THE LOWEST JUST.WHAT.IS.WRONG.WITH.HER) but I insisted that I just need to pass, and we ended it by that. So I started saving up my allowance, positive that I could go. My guy, who knows how head over heels I am for Infinite, told me that he would come with me, and of course I was beyond happy to hear that (He likes them too, He is so fond of Infinite’s songs that have Japanese versions). So I planned it all. Then suddenly, my bestfriend, texted me that she had just read that Infinite is coming! My dear bestfriend is the one that gave birth to me into being an Inspirit. She is basically my mom that spoon fed me and gave nourishment so that I’ll grow healthy in this fandom, IT IS BECAUSE OF HER THAT I AM ABLE TO BE HAPPY! I LOVE HER TO BITS! She was being inactive with kpop and I just thought that she isn’t interested with the concert anymore, BUT GOODNESS I WAS ALL HYPED UP WHEN SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WANTS TO COOOOME! And then we promised that we will go there no matter what, even if that means, sneaking me out. It would also mean that I can now properly introduce my guy to my dear, dear girl. I was so happy and excited. BEYOND EXCITED. (THIS IS NOT DEPESSING AT ALL XD) But it was all ruined. At the day of selling of tickets, Inspirits from our country are all hyped up, and they are saying that the tickets are all sold out. I HAVEN’T BOUGHT MY TICKET YET. MY SAVINGS WONT AFFORD MY DESIRED SEAT JUST YET. SO I WAS FREAKING OUT. Then, I told my bestfriend about it and we are losing our hopes. But then I saw one post saying that she is selling her two tickets and she just need half of the money for down payment and the other half is when she would give it. So, I send it to my bestfriend and sadly, she said that I should go. . . without her. That broke my heart and I tried to tell her that we both should, but, yea. T____T My guy also backed out from the plan cause his favorite band might go in our country and he badly wants a good seat, so yea. (SUCH A BASTARD XD) I also found out that I am sick. I have so much acid in my stomach and yea, things like that. I received my grades and got two failing marks. It is my first time to fail a subject after existing for eighteen years and my ego was hurt and my pride was shattered. I cant accept it. I had never thought that I was smart but I just know that I could get by even if I don’t study that much. I just know that I’m not an idiot in terms of studies. So I started doubting myself. Which lead to identity crisis. My failing marks had hurt me so much and all I could feel is loneliness and doubt and . I just cant accept it cause those who passed had been cheating! And it is just unfair! More than half of our class failed but I just couldn’t accept that I’m part of it. (There are also issues with my professor that won’t correct her mistake, AND YEP I AM STILL SO BITTER) My Dad told me that it is all right and there is no problem with that when I was crying that night when my first failing mark was told to me. My Mom is being nice and she doesn’t nag me. She even asked me “Why? You can’t sleep?” when I called onto her with a shaky voice. But when it is all confirmed with the certification that I failed, Mom’s reaction is not good. She had said words that wounded me so deep and it had left a deep scar that I would surely remember for the rest of my life. Mom’s outburst made me snap. I had a fight with my guy the night before that too. It broke me down and that is the peak of my depression. I tried self harm for the first time in my life. How the blade of the cutter and the tingling sensation of pain excites me at that moment. It was so good by then.So good that I went overboard and had sixteen cuts. I wanted to die at that moment, but a part of me still reminds me that Infinite is coming. THEY ARE COMING. With that, I told my guy that Im coming over their house. We fixed our small misunderstanding and told me to never do that again. I cried it all on him and he just comforted me and tried to keep me positive. I didn’t go home until it is late at night. And my big brother who doesn’t live with us texted me that Im such a drama queen and where am I. THEY THOUGHT I HAD RUN AWAY! Then the next morning, mom is ignoring me, and so, I went to my bestfriend’s house since we decided to meet up. And I told her I don’t want to stay at home. I shared my story and she thumped my head TOO STRONGLY that I literally saw the world spin. She nagged me and I just missed her so much. We drifted apart when the problem aroused, and we patched things out after informing her that I failed, she just knows me too much. I really love her. LIKE REALLY. She is even blaming herself because of my own stupidity! (I REAAALLLY THINK I WAS SO STUPID FOR DOING STUFFS; My guy even told me that Im being a “REBELLIOUS TEENAGER”, a late blooming rebellious teen) Mom and I still ignore each other for weeks, and it is just about one week before the concert and I haven’t purchased my ticket yet. But one day before I plan to get my ticket, we had a casual talk and gave me some money too. I was able to get my ticket after a lot of racking my brain on how or what to do to get my desired seat, and I am happy. But I just can’t feel the excitement. I think I got a little numb at some spots in my body. My parents have no idea what I am up to. They don’t have the slightest clue that I am going on a concert, to INFINITE EFFECT. All was good and fine, I even talked with co-Inspirits so that I would have a concert buddy before the concert and someone that would travel with me on my way home since the venue is a three to four hours trip from my home and the concert is at night. D-2 I could feel the slight excitement since I had won a MyungYeol fan and Banner for free. I had also bought some merch here and there. I also am happy since I was able to finish enrollment within a day. But when I got home, my cat was lying on the floor, I thought she was asleep but she is very sick. It was already late and there are no vets around our area. I was still heartbroken from my other cat’s death and I can’t afford to lose her too. D-1 The other cat in our house died. I jokingly said that, “NOT MY KATKAT, It should be that cat instead.” And when I woke up, and checked on KatKat, I saw that other cat on the couch, I thought he is just asleep. BUT I WAS SURPRISED WHEN MY DAD SAID THAT HE IS DEAD. THAT CAT IS VERY HEALTHY! SO WHY? (WORDS ARE SO POWERFUL AND YES IM SUCH A DEVIL T_T) My KatKat on the other hand is barely getting better so I decided to take her on the vet, but when I was done preparing, SHE WAS GONE! I am up all day and night looking for her. It took me long since I was deciding whether to check in to the hotel that Infinite is staying (I’m not being a sasaeng, a part of me wants to see Infinite and (try) to be in the same place with them (those who are able to check in got the chance to see Woohun and Yeol swimming; partly envious) but staying at the hotel is better T__T Cause my travel is awfully long!. D-DAY I gave up. But I still told my siblings to look for my cat. Everything was a mess in the start, I was late, my Unnies are late, we can’t find each other, and the walk is on and on and on. The trip is hot and the crowd is still a crowd. And at the venue, I met my one of the concert buddies. I saw one of Sungyeol’s fansite master-nims, Baby love ya. She is with other fansite masters. I was reaaaaallly dying to talk to her and ask how much this and that is but the crowd suddenly got thicker and thicker so, I dragged myself into looking for another ones(if I am not mistaken, she is baby love ya). My previous desire was lost when me and Patty (concert buddy) received photocards from an admin (INFINITE7SOUL) I got 2 SUNGYEOLS HAHAHA and 1 for each members. Then OT7 Banners and other banners from different fan projects. I was about to claim my free Myungyeol fan and banner when we heard screams and squeals and my classmate (she also came to watch) dragged me into running and well, we saw nothing HAHA. And there, I met my other concert buddies. We decided to eat but when we are about to, no one wants to eat anymore. So, we ended up searching for fansite masters. Together with me, there are four MYUNGSOO STAN and I am the one who loves Sungyeol the most amongst them. I am the Sungyeol stan ones (though I reaaaaaallllly love Myungsoo cause well, he is my Umma Yeol’s counterpart or other half) and WE SAW EVERSINCE! The walk is long before we could reach her. She is alone and no one is approaching her. My concert buddies are shoving me into approaching and asking her. BUT I CAN’T I DON’T DO THE KOREAN SPEAKING THING. T__T I EVEN GET SHY WHEN I SAY ANNYEONG in rl (DIES) I just cant cause it doesn’t suit me. It feels like I am ruining their language. But another inspirit came and approached her and that gave me courage since she seems so nice. And sooooo, I was able to buy~ SO HAPPPPYY (I was doubting and I don’t know yet if I should buy or not, but they just pressured me and made me a compulsive buyer just like that. T___T ) Well, I don’t regret it. That fansite Unnie is so nice. She is all smiles and bowed when I thanked her with a slight bow One of my concert buddies is a GREAT compulsive buyer XD she bought this and that as if money is paper. I also met two Inspirits from the same university that I am going and we have the same course. The time passed just like that. While waiting at the hall, another inspirit approached me, her name is Rain. She looks sooo young and we are suddenly talking about her favorite member and stuffs. And when we are allowed to go inside, I suddenly remember to claim one of my merchs that I had ordered online.I dragged her with me and she is sooo nice and willing! We took some photos and claimed my goods. My seatmate is also really nice. She is a cool ones, she doesn’t have anything with her but her lightstick and herself. And she was laughing at the amount of things that I am carrying. She is older than me too. She was also surprised that I was able to sneak a DSLR in the concert venue and a container full of gummy worms lol. (I am that girl who is sharing the blue container with gummy worms in it, but since I seemed like a stranger,they wont get it T_T) SHARING IS CARING! WHY DON’T YOU WANT IIIT? They are showing the past MVs in the screens as the concert was about to start, the fans are practicing fanchants as the mvs play. Destiny was the ones playing when I got in my seat. (I just realized that they are playing it from the past to the most recent Mvs that were released, (I am that high) THEN IT STARTED AND EVERYONE IS SCREAMING AND I NEED GOOD FANCAMS CAUSE I PROMISED TO TAKE GOOD ONES! Their shadows are shown and my eyes stings and so does my heart. AND I WAS ON THE EDGE. MY TEARS ARE TREATHENING TO FALL. IT DIDN’T THOUGH. XD Halfway in the concert, my seatmate was telling me that we could sit on the seat in front (the unoccupied ones, the guy beside me also told me that it is just fine, cause he had been switching seats too. AND I WENT THERE GOODNESS IT IS RIGHT AT THE SIDE WHERE HOYA IS SEATING! THE VIEW IS JUST SO UPCLOSE. I only get to have few good shots cause my camera’s battery is being a loser. AND SOON MY CAMERA WAS DEAD T___T Halfway of the concert, I was already feeling heavy, I cant be at ease. When they are performing on the main stage I could see their facial expressions and it is either stoic or serious. I haven’t seen Umma Yeol smile so much (I saw L appa smile too much on the other hand cause he just stayed at our side of the stage majority of the time, and Umma is on the other side XD) ONE OF THE BEST EXPERIENCE I HAD IS WHEN HOYA WAVED AT ME. I AM JUST SO CERTAIN CAUSE THERE ARE IS NO ONE BESIDE ME AT THAT TIME,I was waving my hand on him, nonstop and he just tilted his head and smiled and waved at me. I was frozen. GOODNESS. The end is approaching and I can feel the heavy feeling get even heavier. I did not have any chance to see Umma Yeol so close. Together was being sang and I raised my banner too and they are bowing. BUT WHAT MADE ME SO SHOCKED IS WHEN IT IS ABOUT TO END AND THEY ARE ABOUT TO GO INSIDE, YEOL WENT TO OUR SIDE AND STARTED WAVING! IT WASN”T SPECIFICALLY FOR ME BUT I KNOW HIS EYES HAD SAW ME. Then DONGWOO started posing on our side too. He is so cute and utterly adorable! I was happy but a part of me is just so sad too. I came home after that. D+1 I got home at 2 in the morning, I arranged my stuffs and tried to feel happy, I don’t even know why I was so down. And slept until 8 in the morning. I need to ready myself cause school starts tomorrow. I also looked at some updates and they would be going back to Seoul, and it added to that,. part of me was also envious to the amount of fanservice the others are able to have. I was able to say his and hellos and inform my concert buddies that YES I AM ALIIIIIVE~ BARELY. D+2 School started and my schedule is such a mess and I need to wake up at 4 AM every Mondays so I wont be late. I am still out of this world. Like im floating in an abyss of emptiness. Others started having Post concert depressions. I have been having mine since the half of the concert. (I WATCHED NY FANCAMS AND SAW THAT MYUNG APPA IS LOOKING AT MY LENS T_T I HAVENT NOTICED THAT AT ALL IN THE CONCERT ITSELF) D+3-D+5 Went like usual days, Me being bitter and envious and feeling horrible cause I am such a hideous girl with bad thoughts.IE in Singapore is coming so I need to move on. I was also slowly trying to get over and feel positive. I was also sick, Flu is such a bad enemy. D+6 SUNGYEOL’S KISS ON D DAY. JUST.WHAT IS WITH THAT. I feel hurt, mostly for Appa Myung. Cause I really ship them hard! I was really frowning and annoyed at the director. I didn’t helped that others are also reacting sooooo much that I am partly moved too. PARTLY. THEN V APP! THERE ARE JUST SO MUCH MYUNGYEOL FEELS.AND APPA HAD A BANDAID ON HIS HAND AND WE ARE LIKE “Maybe Myungsoo hit something cause looooook at the band aid and Umma’s KISS SCENE WAS AIRED AND UGH THE FEELS!) A part of me was envious cause SINGAPOREAN INSPIRITS ARE SOLUCKY! But the part of me being happy for them won. I was slapped hard by some realizations. And I really felt better. Umma’s kiss scene on the other hand, after replaying it, it looks like he is being a vampire(biting the others neck) and not kissing XD D+7 YESTERDAY, ONE WEEK AFTER IE. I went to church and prayed. I have read other Inspirits crying everyday because of PCD, but on my side, this is the day I was also on the verge of crying xD I was teary eyed the whole time XD I could say I had let go of all my bitter feelings and all I could feel is happiness and being thankful. It is all thanks to the experience that I had this type of mind now. I should not feel envious of any Inspirits, those who had received fanservice, most of them had attended their concert for many times, or they worked hard for it. The other inspirits all around the globe, EVERYONE IS LUCKY CAUSE WE ARE ABLE TO SEE HOW THESE GUYS ARE SO GREAT. WE ARE SO LUCKY TO BE ABLE TO MEET THEM, TO BE PART OF THIS BEAUTIFUL FANDOM. I learned a lot and things got better, I think I am being a better person, moving forward. My bond with my bestfriend, my guy, and specially my Mom was even better. I learned a lot from myself. I learned how to save up, be strong and never just give up (I SWEAR I LEARNED A LOT). I should be thankful for the wonderful experience and never be envious, I feel horrible and was disgusted at myself after realizing that I am being so immature and so un-Inspirit like. I used to regret taking fancams, not screaming their names so they would notice me, that maybe if I hadn’t changed my clothes umma would notice me, and stuffs. THESE ARE LAME STUFFS TO REGRET XD (I was wearing a similar sleeveless top that Umma wears during BAD performance but I decided to wear the fandom shirt) BUT THESE ARE ALL GONE! I was happy that I was able to learn. I am now a bit peaking out of my box, I am slowly trying to reach out for Inspirits to be my friends. I haven’t thought that I could love Infinite even more, but I LOVE THEM EVEN MORE AND MORE! I had made and established some friendship ties, they may be few but I am sooo happy! I was motivated. And I promised myself that I would see them again! I would always be rooting for them! INFINITE HAVE THAT KIND OF EFFECT IN ME.I AM JUST SO THANKFUL THAT THEY EXISTS (PPS: Now that I thought of it, Im so lucky too! I got to stare at them one by one and I SWEAR THEY ARE EVEN MORE IN REALLIFE THAN ON PHOTOS AND VIDEOS! MORE IN EVERY GOOD ASPECTS I AM ABLE TO THINK OF!/including the erted part lol; kills self/)