Dear Kai,

Hello! As you know, this is my first blog but this is not the first time that i wrote to you. I just want to take it to another way other than keeping these on my PC. I want to take smaller steps trying to express myswelf and exploring tqngs i think i'm capable of doing. You know my hardships on my internal feud, so please hear me out again

I'm hurting. It hurts a lot because, damn it, i failed big time. I haven't talk to my parents regarding my emotional state because i do not want to see their hurt faces. I can't. I know they know that i'm still not okay even if i laugh and smile because they always caught me crying or staring to nothing. 

Sometimes i wish that i have someone whom i can have a tell-all session but there's no one because i'm stupid enough to not trust someone. Why? Becauase i'm scared to be betrayed. I grew up knowing that i do not have the right to express myself because whenever i do, i'm always ended up a villian. Nonsense, right. My mind is having its own bizzare session.

The real thing is i'm wondering what it feels like to be loved, to be the center of someone's universe because i never did experience that. Yeah, you're right. I'm a member of NBSB club. No boyfriend since birth. I'm freaking 21 and i have never experienxed love! That puppy love they said was never been an event in my life. I envy those people even if they weep and they are always so hysterical with their special someone because at least they have been happy amnd in love. I envy them. It is so hard living a life wherein you keep everything to youraelf and you do not have a medium to express it. You kust let it slide along with sleep. 

I'm not close to my siblings because they would never understand me. Honestly, i tried but gave up. I'm like the air. They knew i existed but never seen. I only have my faith but i felt like a bad child to Him. I'm noy good enough to all his blessongs he gave. I'm a good for nothing fella. I dont know what to anymore. Blame this stupid tablet, i cannot write smoothly. I'm thekind of person who thinks a lot, moody, imaginative and easy to loose focus. I'm sorry, i not making any sense but i just right acxording to my brain's command.

I think i wil just stop here. I cannot write anymore..

Yours,

H

P.S. i'm glad that i boarded to the right. It never failed to give me smile. I will always love those two dorks.. Kyungsoo and Jongin, i will always love and support you until the end. Until the both of you will have your own family, i hope that you two wil stay as close as you are right now. As a shipper, i would be contented on that part even if i got too delusional sometimes.. I love you, Kaisoo. Erase that since you announced your official couple name... I love you, KaDi!!!