this fic community is now: closed.

If you're reading this, thank you for supporting my fics over the past three and a half years. My writing career (?) for the EXO fandom has been both an exhilarting and an exhausting ride, and I've learned more than I thought I would. But as time goes on, I can only expect the exhaustion to build up, and I'm already disillusioned with writing as it is.  

Writing fics has been a beloved hobby of mine since 2010, and the hobby has grown up alongside me. I've given this fandom many firsts through my fics – experimentation with various combinations of genres, AUs, and kinks that I have never thought I would think of experimenting with in the first place. Over these few years, I've written approximately 460k words (not a lot by this fandom's standards) worth of fic in total, and somewhere along the way, as that number built up, I've lost touch of what it means to write for enjoyment.

Joining exchanges and fic fests gave me a goal to work towards, but the fact that the fic is meant for someone also gave me pressure. Writing to fulfill prompts given by friends, readers, and anonymous readers had the same effect, and though I was able (at times) to churn out fics on a consistent and regular basis, I never looked forward to posting them. Instead, I would engage in a constant and repetitive cycle of self-doubt and self-criticism, to the point where I believed nothing I put out would live up to anyone's standards (in word count, plot, etc.). Regadless, I would post my fics anyway, as I've been conditioned over time to believe that as a writer, it is my duty to do so – to meet demand with supply. This thought would be constantly reaffirmed by individuals, as all they ever sought from me was not friendship or even a civil acquaitanceship, but the fics themselves.

As the number of writers in the fandom increases and as the amount of feedback decreases, it becomes a question of: if the number of fics by new writers is more than enough to replace the number of fics I would have written, would my presence be needed any longer? And the logical answer to that is a resounding no. If I had the chance to reignite the passion and love I had for writing, why shouldn't I take it? Even if it means giving up this account/username and everything that I've built with it?

As a writer establishes his/her name in the ficdom, judgements made between his/her fics and the writer him/herself will inevitably been made. Consequently, anonymous individuals (a fair number of which are vicious and unpleasant altogether) have thought it was fair to judge me and determine who I am as a person solely through the fics I have written. And I am not around to be their punching bag. Through them, however, I've noticed the appeal of anonymity.

I've amassed over 600 watchers on this community, quite a decent number, and I have to believe that at some point, each watcher has enjoyed a piece that I've written. But with every watcher/reader I gain, it increases the amount of responsibility I have to bear towards writing something that would impact them, and till now, I do not believe I have the skill to do so. This fandom contains an astonishing amount of talented and amazing writers, and it is a personal belief of mine that I will never rise to meet their ranks.

Thus, I've decided to close this community and pursue writing fics under another account. Most of the fics on this commnunity (both EXO and TVXQ fics) will remain open for reading, although I may delete/lock some that I really detest. Feel free to refer to my masterlist. Also, I've decided to forbid future translations of my fics. I have thought about keeping this community open if I ever want to return to my CEO/college sekai arcs in the future, both of which are dear to me, but at this point, I think returning for them will take a while and lots of mental preparation. So for now, this community is 100% closed (apart from cross-posting of my fics from the maknaerulez fic fest when the reveals are over).

Thank you to those who have truly been supporting me for the past few years, and I am forever grateful to you for nuturing my passion. To those I've promised fics to, I'm sorry, but they'll have to wait. It's been a pleasure writing for you, and I hope it's been equally rewarding for you when it comes to reading my works. I'll still be active on this LJ account (for my friends page), and if you have a good eye, you'll probably spot me writing under a new account in the near future.

It's both sad and freeing to leave this community, but if you enjoy my work, I hope you'll support my future works. I'm still the same person, just under a different name.

Much love,
Bluedveins/Evoxine

p.s. you are free to contact me on any platform you want: twitter, tumblr, askfm.