Life's Crisis

As a writer we carry millions of people inside us, along with their feelings and everything that makes them. They live their lives inside us and we give them life through our words. We have the power to express their feelings, but when we writers reach our end, who expresses it for us if not these people?

I think I write because I have too many feelings inside me, too much pain, and too much sadness. It's where the best of my angst come from. It doesn't mean I'm a depressed person all times. I have happiness too and many great friends, and the best family. My heart has been touched on a level I can't describe. 

I wished someone could have been there to reach out to me, be a wall I could have leaned on but I have become that person for others and myself, but it's harder doing it for myself than others. I'm re-learning that when you're angry - when others make you angry - don't block anything out, but listen, accept, then move on. Blocking those words leads you to create a wall, a barrier not just of stubborness, but childishness and you hurt others more than yourself. That's real stuff right there. And the anger grows until you don't know when to stop. And you lose all sense of life. If you've done your part of growing up you've been here more than once. 

Not that anything dramatic has happened to me, but I've felt stress and more of it has strained me even before I finished college. I'm the type to build barriers so I don't get any more hurt than I already have. I overdid it. It's been almost three weeks since I've felt any kind of emotion. I live in a strange robotic state right now. I don't have motivation to write. And my life revolves around writing. Ideas are spinning in my head, but I can't seem to write everything out. Instead I sit at my laptop and stare at my stories, feeling pity for all the potential each one holds, and I end up doing meaningless things that don't contribute to anything. I listen to music, but I can only feel so much before it fades. I watch dramas, but the emotion only stays for so long. Now I'm in a phase where I'm seeking a purpose in life. I don't think we need a purpose to live, but here I am, looking for a reason to live. And I'm wondering if there is a purpose for each one of us.  

I want to write, but I can't and it's hard for me. 

 

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Anne60 #1
Just read your blog now, hoping that you are feeling so much better now.Just came back to AFF, today, for I am feeling the opposite,,, feeling so not strong to accept the future changes in one's life. Sometimes I wish to feel numb and have my guards up inside of me,but I guess I can' t do that with family..Reading your blog made me realize that it is ok to get hurt, it is ok to miss some and feel the longing of their presence in our life....
I was feeling depress and wonder who I can share my thoughts and feelings, my fear and insecurities. I have depended on these people for love and my happiness, and not being able to reach for them when I need them ,scares the hell out of me...But then I cannot hold them forever,to do that will be sheer selfishness on my part.... I have to let them go....
I miss talking to you. I miss you my friend..
Tinywings #2
if one were to ask me why i write, it's because there are many things i want to tell. so many stories, so many experiences, so many emotions. so many laughter and so many tears. if you look at writing like something that comes with experience, then certainly inspiration will always come. and you will always be able to write.

but we aren't always able to write. sometimes, we're stuck. we can't seem to write anything, seem to feel anything. that character is screaming at us but we don't really understand the yells. fingers are itching to type but the brain is numb, empty even. and that's when the writer suffers the most, because nothing comes out. and i want to believe it's because we're not able to open up. we're too tired to talk, to tell stories. we don't want to deal with emotions.

i wouldn't dare to generalize my beliefs to all writers, but i think i just wanted to voice out my own feelings because i haven't been able to write so many times before. and whenever that happened, i would take my bicycle and let it take me wherever. i need to calm myself again. i need to think about what i want. and sometimes... i need the wind to tell me it's okay that i don't know what i want yet. that it's alright to be scared. that it's alright to be frightened.

writers are to tell stories. in order to do so, to tell the story realistically and enthusiastically, they need to open their hearts and feel. and sometimes, sometimes writers need a break too. because it's hard sometimes to listen to the character's stories. it takes energy. and sometimes... sometimes there might be other ways to tell stories. talking. experiencing. sharing. in the end, isn't writing stories about sharing something? and what story is more important than your own?
Angela27 #3
No goal, no purpose, no motivation; just strange emptiness?
whattodoaboutonew #4
First, a pat on your back. You have achieved a lot of realisation through this blog. Well done on your effort.
second, slow down your thoughts and ideas, breathe, and pen them down. Maybe, sometimes, most times, the words you are writting will transform into something more solid and you have a draft of s scene, then a draf of a chapter, and maybe maybe a draft of a story.
third, yes it is hard. It is not impossible - the writings you have written and wer staring at are proof that it wasnt 'impossible', right?
:)
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