I definitely don't know what I think anymore.

I mean, I thought I liked him. 

Is it wrong that I'm kind of sad I don't anymore?

It's been a long time since I've seen him.

My schedule has recently changed and I've taken on more responsibility at work, that's why I haven't posted in a long time but I'm working on a really good chapter in order to apologize.

But I thought I liked him and my heart used to always race when I saw him. And there is a sense of me letting him go now that he has walked out my door. 

We weren't in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, more rather he comes over and we hang out.

But tonight it felt different. 

The reason I was okay with him coming to hang out was because I thought I really liked him.

He made my heart race a long time ago.

Why does the heart change?

God this song has an amazing beat to write this to. (EXO k Baby) Even though my feelings are the opposite.

I feel like I want to cry. But they are not sad tears. I think I am relieved by this feeling. 

But I'm relieved and saddened at the same time.

He kissed me so sweetly tonight. And that made my heart race, but when he was finished I felt almost nothing in my heart for him.

Am I wrong?

Is something wrong with me?

Am I broken?

Does my heart no longer work?

Or does my heart no longer work for him?

And if it doesn't beat for him, will it find it's match?

Am I supposed to be alone forever?

I hate not knowing what I feel!

And I hate that I can't say no to him either.

Just now, CNBlue's I'm Sorry has come on.

Is this a sign?

They are my favorite KPOP group. Listening to my bias sing these words, "I'm sorry," I guess I am not meant to be with that guy.

The one I thought I might really like.

I think I wanted him to use me.

So I could maybe feel wanted.

Now I just want to feel...

Worthy.

I am worthy of love, aren't I?

This ended up being longer than I expected, but I just needed to get this off of my chest.

And I guess this will be like a diary.

My heart feels lighter. Not better, but lighter.

I'm still beyond confused.

If I can just learn to say no. I think I would be okay if I can just learn how to tell him no.

"No, I don't like you."

"No, I don't want you."

"No, I don't want you to come over because you make me confused."

"Please leave me alone!"

"I'm not sorry."

Yes, in time, I will be okay.

 

   Signed,

         Utterly Confused~