I really want to be with you but, I'm just getting in the way of myself. I feel like there's always someone else there for you when you're stressing out, especially when I can't be there when I want to be. You talk about other people to me and it hurts. I don't want to say this directly to your face because, I guess, I don't want to seem clingy, which I'm not usually concerned about. Today started out really nice. I rode my bike to school today and I was in a generally good mood. It was nice outside /besides the sunshine/ and well. I went to sit by my friends but they seemed like whenever I spoke a single word to them, I was just annoying the hell out of them. I went up to art earlier than them. My other friend was there and I was kind of sad by this point as the thoughts of what could be wrong with me were racing through my mind. He was sitting there, doing nothing. I usually have to motivate him to do anything. So I threw a broken pencil at him and laughed. I told him to get to work and he eventually did, didn't help that we were both laughing like a group of idiots.

8 period day went on and I have 8th hour off as many of my friends do. So, I sat with them and it kind of made me feel like I was dufus. The guy I usually hang out with just walked right past me. I was watching him but he didn't look at me. I'm a person. I do have feelings man. At the table, we weren't really talking about anything in particular but, it felt like they didn't want me there so I had no one to talk to. I decided I'd better ride my way back home.

I threw my bag down into my room and decided that I might as well clean my pigsty. It gave me plenty of time to think about everything. I was feeling pretty lowly of myself and how I should just let my filth consume me but, I decided I might as well catch up on EYK's videos if they posted anything new that day. I clicked on the video about eating disorders since it came out 7 hours ago. I thought how much I related to that and how I could potentially be part of the 20%. Ah. But I shook myself out of it and watched Martina's video about the K-Indie playlist update and 'It G Ma' had me laughing super hard. I felt happy again and it was just awesome. I couldn't stop rolliing around trying to imitate Keith Ape, OkAsian, loota, Kohh, JayAllday. If I had filmed myself I'd watch it over and over again until I'm happy.

My father came home and we made dinner for ourselves. We had red bean buns and man they were sweet. I went back upstairs after eating mine and my friend wanted to Skype with me. It's our daily routine and hm. Have I mentioned? I have a huge crush on her. I shant say much about me and her but anyways. I said yes of course and she called me on Skype and she said that today wasn't too good for her. She vented to me and a part of her vent actually sounded like something good could happen to her but, I understood what she was saying about her anxiety preventing her from doing things. So I listened but. I was also thinking about my friends again. Probably because she was talking about how her friends are kind of douches. I think I probably looked out of it and maybe like I wasn't listening but, at some point she asked if I was okay and I just shrugged a little bit. I didn't really want to talk anymore.

Her anxiety acted up again and she spoke up about it thankfully. She asked me if it was about anything that she had said and I just shook my and said that I wasn't having the greatest day. She felt guilty all of a sudden and I told her flat out that I didn't care if I was having bad day, she should just be able to vent to me whenever she wants. Then she went to sleep because she's an hour ahead of me /kind of / and I just kind of sat there at the computer for a while longer.

I feel like cutting. Maybe it's because of my lack of self confidence or the fact that I feel like everyone hates me /could be/ and perhaps it could be the utter feeling of despair I get whenever I pass someone in the hallway. It feels as though their eyes are dissecting my choice of clothes, the way I walk, they way my face is shaped. Feels pretty sh-tty most of the day I must admit. I usually get over it within the next day. I don't mean to go on a tangent but, I do that everyday so. There might be something wrong with me. Crap. I forgot what this whole paragraph was about. Anyways, I thought today might be a good example of my roller coaster feelings.

I like her, but I hate me. I don't think I want to put myself out there for her when I don't have love to give to her or to myself yet. I might just let her go. Hah, she hates it when I mention not being able to Skype, it's kind of funny seeing her getting upset. Cute too.