So, I am pissed off yesterday and more pissed off today. Yesterday when I woke up, I am going to get ready for work. I search for my cigarette(I have 1 and a half packet) and I can't find it anywhere. My mood just got from good to bad. My face turn black and I go and hurry up to get ready for work. I work night shift btw. I go to my workplace and brought another packet of cigarette and start to smoke 2 sticks at a go. I become so stress and I also realised that when I got up, my room have been searched before. And I first doubt my mum. I start work and everyone in my workplace notice something happen to me but I won't say what is it. My manager ask me to go into a room and started to counsel me. Another manager came in and both of them counsel me before I can become the happy-go-lucky person they know. That day ended and my heart is calm all. Today, I slept to afternoon and I don't know why I suddenly open my eyes and saw my sister opening my drawer(I change my hiding place for cigarette btw). I close back my eyes and she pretended to ask if I have work today and I noded my head. When she went out, I open my drawer and true enough, my another half packet of cigarette is gone again. 

Now, some of you may think, "It's just a cigarette. Why does she have to react this way?" Like any other smoker, I have my own background story. I am the youngest, I have 2 sister. Total, plus me, I have 5 members in my family. That's an odd number right? An odd number means someone have to be an extra. And that's me. I tried hard to fit into my family but I just seems can't. They seems happier without me. I still have the memory of crying in the toilet and all of them are outside eating happily. I cried and cried and finally wash my face to join them and return to my room. Feeling extra, I began liking staying out than returning home. I know my family care for me and all, but the feeling of being an extra in your family is horrible. And of course, my studies is not better than my sisters, my attitude and all is not better than my sisters. That's why I am trying hard to be the 'perfect daughter' my parents want, but no matter how I study, I can't get good grades. Other than studies, I tried in any other way to be a good daughter. I work hard to pay off my own bill, my own school uniform, textbook etc. So my parents do not need to worry about money.

I am also a very depressed person too, even though on my appearance don't look like I am very depressed person. I love making people laugh but what about my own happiness? Others happiness is much more important than mine. As a depressed person and before I am very addicted to smoking; I self-harm, drink liquor and smoke. I have a lot, damn a lot of sucide thoughts and I uses all these 3 to cover up the thoughts, to kill the demon in me. It is when I am afraid that one day I may self-harm until I die of loss of blood, the scars from self-harm is not nice, and these activities is not healthy, it is only then I decided to stick to smoking. Drinking liquor can affect my daily life hence I stick to smoking. I uses smoking to conquer every sadness, stress etc. It is only when the level of sadness and stress is too damn high then I am back to self-harm and drinking liqour too. I become too rely on smoking and only smoking can calm me down. So now you can understand why I get so emotional when I know she threw away my cigarette and all. Cigarette is something that will kill me but, everything that kills me, makes me feel alive. 

Also, I am pissed because she searched my room. Twice. I hate people invading my privacy. Among my family, I am closest to my 2nd sister and thanks to her actions, I am no longer close with this family anymore. I have decided, if she want to search and throw away my cigarette again, go ahead. Because I am totally numb. I don't feel anything anymore. I am returning to my old very depressed self. 

Anyways, thank you to everyone who are reading this and I am much better now. You can also comment if you want to say anything, I am fine with anything. Thank you.

*I still cherish and love my family. But, I am really tired.*