Have you ever felt a storm of emotions?

Like, you know, there's Anger mixed with Pain, Anxiety, Doubt, Pressure, Disappointment, Love, Care, Hope and Happiness?

Generally, a lot of us claims to have felt a swirl of emotions--but a storm? I don't think so.

Swirl is more like a mixture of everything that's making you a little tipsy with each turn and after that, everything is calm again; you regail focus and everything is right. Like swirling wine in a glass.

But a storm--a storm--it's a chaotic mixture of each and every emotion in huge amounts. Every turn is like a huge wave crashing over and over the shore, with each wave taking you underneath the water as if to drown you, never giving you a chance to resurface. Each wave crashing on every available surface and leaving irrepareable wreckage in its wake. A storm so chaotice that it kills you from the inside--and the worst part is, no one notices you're dying.

Not even You.

Care. It all starts here. You meet someone. A stranger at first, but you get friendly and talk because that's how you are--a big ball of sunshine. Both of you share stories, laugh... share secrets. Share things and even lunches. Before you knew it, you begin inquiring more about him. What's keeping him busy? Has he eaten? What's on his mind? You get hold of news that he's sick. Without thinking, you drop everything and rush to his side. Without warning, you start to care.

Happiness. He invites you for drinks. You're the only one who can play with his Golden Retriever. You're the only one who can mess up his hair and get away with it. You're the only one who, out of laziness, can ask him to get water and by the time he hands you the glass you ask for orange juice instread. Your ppuscles stretch into a grin whenever he's around because you know--everybody knows--you're the only one he gives special treatment to. He pickes you up and drops you off to and from school without asking for anything in return, not even gas money. You're even ditched spa day with you girlfriends only to stay at home watching the most boring movie ever, but it doesn't matter. Why? Because he's right beside you, engrossed at said boring movie... And no amount of massages can top the happiness and relaxation you feel at the moment.

Anxiety. For some reason, you can't stop pacing. Be it the classroom, the living room, the sidewalk or while waiting for your Oreo Mcflurry. Pace. Pace. Pace. You've made the floor uneven with all the pacing. Your nailbeds are suffering from your excessive nibbling all the time. Sitting on the passenger's seat and playing with the ends of your hair, you take a sideway glance at your driver--he looks at you, smiles and asks "What?"
You quickly look outside your window and bite hard on your lower lip before quickly saying "Nothing". Being around him makes you uneasy. It's unclear why. You like having him around but you're too aware of him and there's nothing he does that you don't notice. It's making you jump. It's making your heart jump and you're sure you'll die of heart attack anytime soon if this goes on further.

Doubt. It's already six o'clock in the morning and your classes start in about two hours. Instead of getting ready, you stare at the mountain of bakingware sitting at the sink, waiting to be washed. On your left are overwhelming batches of Dark Chocolate Coffee Muffins, freshly baked. Why? Because it's Valentine's day and it is a custom that people give out chocolates to people they like on this fateful day, and you're also planning to ask him to the movies because your friend accidentally bails out on the last minute. Will he accept? Will he reject? With shoulders slumped you suddenly remember that you're YOU--you don't give out chocolates on valentine's; you receive them. You don't ask others out; you get asked. You let out a sigh as small details become a big deal now that you doubt your intentions with these muffins--and your heart.

Pressure. I'm not talking about Physics here with gas laws and . I'm talking about the weight you put on yourself as you try to get out the Woods of Confusion. Without a clear mind, you're going to wander aimlessly. You'll be restless. You'll become someone who can't pay attention and someone mentally absent. There is only one thing that fills up your mind: Should you cross the line and accept your feelings or turn the other way and suppress it? After all, you're friends. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship you worked hard for. Suddenly, you're pressured to make a decision whether to follow your heard or turn around and keep your friendship intact. All the weight is wearing you down and you can't function; it's a miracle you haven't died yet.

Love. The end of your pencil taps on your desk as you stare at him from across the room; the way he smiles, the way he nods his head, the way he always bites his lower lip--it's impossible to take your eyes off of him. Another classmate approaches him and you immediately see blood. The sudden impulse to inflict hurt and damage to anything cause you to bang your curled fists against your desk, the loud noise echoing through the quiet murmur of the hall and classroom. You let out a groan and step out, making your way to your secret hiding spot. Then, at some point while you're stepping on dried leaves and trying to catch your breath,it all clicks: the reason why you're happy everytime he's around; the reason why you're looking forward to every single day and minute you spend with each other; the reason why you took up cooking and baking lessons so you can cook and bake for him; the reason why you can't take seeing him with someone else--you're overwhelmed with jealousy thinking he might prefer another girl over you because admit it or not, you love him. You love the way he finds everything funny and that weird laugh of his. You love how he's always by your side. You love how you get to see another side of him that others don't. It makes you feel special and for a split second, you hope he loves you, too.

Hope. So you've accepted it--you love the guy and you are head over heels. You can't stop thinking about him and you're secretly hoping he's the same, too. After all, he treats you differently than the rest. It's a sign that you're special, right? No one else gets the Princess Treatment he's giving you. No one else gets to dine with his family but you. No one else gets to go on vacations with the whole clan but you. He takes you higher and higher with every passing day and you wonder if you'll ever come down--and when you do, you hope he's there to catch your fall. That's the only think you can do. Hope.

Anger. It's been months and you're getting more and more impatient. It's like a routine--he gives you a ride, then drops you off. You eat lunch together and you swell with happiness but it's the same ing thing over and over. There's nothing new between the two of you. Sure, it made your heart jump at first knowing he's giving you special treatment but you begin to want more. You want his undivided attention. You want updates on what he's doing every minute. You want to talk on for endless hours but he's not the type to text or spend hours on the phone. You want him to be within your orbit all the time but he's got other friends, too. You can't just ask him to not be friends with everyone. After all, you're just one of them--his friend.
You pick up your phone and dial his number, wanting to know where he is just so you know how long you have to wait so you can hand him his test results before attending that committee meeting you didn't even sign up for. You've left a dozen messages on his phone and a bunch of missed calls but no returns. It pisses you off because he's ignoring you and you're not the type to be ignored. You decide to go on with the meeting and along the way, you see him--on the corridor, by the conference room--he's comfortably leaning on the wall and laughing with another girl. Your instincts kick in first and without even thinking, you let your anger take control of your entire being. You approach them, get in the way and start yelling a bunch of stuff you don't even understand. He gets mad by your outburst but you continue. Nothing is important to you but your anger. You won't listen to anyone because you choose to believe what you see.
Then he drops the deadliest words of all: You have no right to get jealous. You're not my girlfriend.

Pain and Disappointment. You know nothing else. The happiness, the care, the hope, the love--they've all been washed away because of this silly emotion. Pain is better when it's physical--at least then you know it'll heal and it's all gone but this pain... emotional pain, there's no escaping it. After that heated argument by the conference room the other day, he's completely shut you out. He doesn't even look your way; he doesn't acknowledge your existence. To him, you're done. Gone. The worst part? He doesn't seem to care. Another person has taken your place beside him and there is nothing you can do. It pains you to see him smiling with someone else but what can you do? You let anger take over. Your greed for more of him caused you to step on a land mine and it exploded right to your face. He made it clear that you are not his girl and by the way things are now, you will never be. You blew your chances. You've been running this marathon of feelings for a while now and you expected to see it to the finish line with him--but unexpected things happen and you lost your chance to win. That's the thing when you expect--it causes pain and disappointment.

Then you start to wonder: How will you get up and out of this mess? You've completely given up because you gave it your all and even then, you didn't win. It's heartbreaking. The storm of pain is too much to bear but you can't help it--love, care, hope, anxiety, doubt and disappointment is still there, but Pain seems to swallow them up and leave you with nothing to feel but the aching feeling in your chest as you try to forget all the things you had before--or, things you never really had.

The point of this whole boring, extremely long monologue of a post?

It can't be stormy forever. Nothing is constant and the weather changes. If it's stormy today, it might be sunny tomorrow. It could be cloudy and it might even rain but the sun shines after all of it. The storm might leave everything in a wreck but as long as there's the remains, we can try and build it. It might not be as beautiful as before or as strong, but we can upgrade as time passes by.

Because when another storm comes, you'll be ready.