fin.
you are not mine (but sometimes i pretend you wish you were)
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“Congratulations; you’re debuting in six months.”
That is what the president’s words sound like, two sentences that should be distinctly separate but are instead rolled into one, one phrase immediately after the other with not enough time in between to breathe.
This is what it feels like, when she is introduced to A Pink and told she is one of them. No one believes it, least of all her. Chorong, the oldest and undisputed leader of the group, looks over her with a quiet disdain, but no one argues because they need a main vocalist. At this point, she is the godsend, she is the miracle that sets their debut date in place.
This is what she does, because there is not enough time to breathe, but just enough to protect herself. She alone is not strong enough to shoulder this burden, the weight of being the miracle. So she buries Hyerim deep, deep down, along with her Busan accent and her insecurities, and Eunji bows 90 degrees to greet her new groupmates.
It is a late autumn evening when some members of Infinite are gathered in the living room, watching the first few episodes of Reply 1997. It’s an uncontested ritual now; they always watched Myungsoo in his dramas – mostly to give him for his acting skills – so it makes sense for the habit to pick up again when Howon lands his first big role. The members are already debating about the uality of Howon’s character when Sunggyu finds that his eyes tend to linger a little too long on the main female lead.
“She’s cute,” he says in his defense when Howon shoots him a questioning look, one eyebrow arched.
snorts and crosses his arms, but otherwise doesn’t answer. He has no idea what the hell that means, but sometimes, with Howon, it’s better not to ask.
The incident is forgotten and the actress he dubs “cute” fades into the dark corners of his memory.
The banging at the apartment door is a rude awakening. Blearily, Sunggyu rubs his eyes with one hand and feels for his phone on his pillow with the other. The bright screen flashes something like 1:47 am and all he can really do at that moment, still too groggy for reality, is wonder what the hell is going on. In the minute or so it takes for him to gain his senses, the banging does not cease.
“Hyung,” Sungyeol groans from his side of the bedroom. “Make it stop.”
Infinite has a photoshoot to wake up for at 4 am and all he wants is 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep, but he is the leader and even if he wasn’t, 5 hours of dreamland is hardly reasonable in a job like theirs. He remembers the nights as a trainee when it was much, much worse. So he drags himself out of bed and across the living room to answer the door.
He stares at the offender, and she smiles back.
“Hi, sunbae-nim,” she greets with a perfect 90 degree bow, after just a moment of silence and confusion. “Is Hoya-ssi home?”
“Um.” How did this girl find their dorm? How did she even get into the building? “Sorry, who are you again?” he asks unabashedly in banmal. Even embarrassment isn’t awake yet at 2 in the morning.
“Oh.” He’d expect most people to be flustered, but instead she tucks her hair behind her ear with that smile still in place. “Hi, I’m A Pink’s Jung Eunji. I acted with Hoya-ssi in Reply 1997? I was nearby so I wanted to see if he was home.” Her use of formal speech grates on his mind; he has to stop himself from physically wincing as an automatic reflex.
ing hell, it’s too goddamn early in the morning.
Sunggyu rubs his eyes again and squints at her carefully, noting for the first time the puffiness under her eyes. He struggles to draw up the memory of the “cute” actress with her trademark eye-smile.
“Oh, hello,” he chuckles, switching to formal speech as well, as he should. He’s the sunbae, after all. Scratching the back of his head, he thinks of an appropriate answer to the reason why she just showed up at their dorm in the middle of the night. “Well, Infinite H actually had a schedule last night, so they’re not home yet…”
“Ah, I see,” she nods, her expression the same. Eerily, the smile doesn’t even budge, and Sunggyu thinks there is something seriously wrong with this girl. “Well, I brought some leftover sushi for him, since it’s his favorite, if you could tell him I dropped by?”
“Yeah, of course.” He takes the takeout box from her hands and bids her good night before closing the door, all but chucking the sushi into the fridge, and stumbling back into bed.
When he returns to the land of the living it’s already 4:15 and he can hear the other members eating breakfast in the living room. He trudges to the table and grabs his bowl of rice, not even stopping to greet Dongwoo and Howon, who must have just returned after he went back to sleep.
“Hyung,” Sungjong pipes up while still chewing, “who was at the door in the middle of the night? The noises woke me up.”
Dongwoo tells the maknae to shut up while eating before turning to the leader. “Someone came in the middle of the night?”
“Some girl looking for Howon,” Sunggyu brushes off as he swings open the fridge door in search of the fruit their manager brought the other day. Instead, he finds the takeout box of sushi on the top shelf. Now that he’s not half-asleep, when he grabs the box he sees that it’s from Howon’s favorite Japanese restaurant, on the other side of Seoul. Hadn’t the girl said she was nearby?
“A girl?”
“Looking for Howon?”
“She said she was Jung Eunji,” he tells Howon, who rolls his eyes and takes the takeout box offered to him.
“A Pink’s Eunji?” Woohyun brightens immediately despite the early hour. “She’s really nice, hyung. I thought you knew her! We used to live in the same apartment building as A Pink before we moved here.”
Right, he vaguely remembers something about that. They had played it up on A Pink’s reality show, calling themselves a big happy family. He wonders which fans actually believed it. Their companies are completely separate, after all, and it’s not like they could spend time together in between all their schedules.
“What did you think of her?” Howon asks, even though he usually doesn’t attempt to keep the conversation going, especially about a girl. Sunggyu frowns and tries to remember the impression she gave off, but comes up short besides inordinate amounts of enthusiasm, even for an idol.
“She smiles too much.”
His groupmate murmurs something low that sounds like agreement before their manager arrives and ushers them into the van.
The next time Infinite and A Pink have overlapping promotion cycles, A Pink’s popularity has exploded with their new single, NoNoNo. The catchy tune soon becomes a cult phenomenon as it’s played on every radio station, inside every restaurant, on every variety show. The effect that really matters is that as a result, A Pink shoots to stardom after two years of near-obscurity, becoming the beloved favorite girl group of creepy, middle-aged men all over Korea.
“Congratulations on your win, sunbae-nim,” she says when he passes her in the halls, backstage for M!Countdown. The smile is there again, the exact copy-paste of the one he saw at their door and some CF from a couple weeks back. It is so unnerving it takes him a few seconds to register what exactly she just said.
“Ah, thanks, Eunji-ssi.” They stand like that for a few moments, each looking at the other. Sunggyu wonders if she thinks he’s just as strange as he thinks she is. But after a period of silence, he assumes the conversation – if it can even be called that – is over, and he is about nod and move on when -
“Do you know where Hoya-ssi is? I’d like to see him.”
He looks her over again, this time with newer eyes. Her smile is even wider, if possible, to the point where it hurts to look at. She’s wearing a white flower in her hair to match her performance outfit and to any other person, she would look like an angel.
But there’s something very, very wrong with her. He doesn’t know why he knows so, but he does. What kind of a girl visits someone in the middle of the night?
“Hoya always liked girls that were kind of weird,” he blurts out. He’s always been a little like that, oblivious to social cues, saying the worst thing possible at the worst possible time. This time it’s no different. She stiffens and the smile falters a little, and for a second he thinks she looks normal. Human, like the rest of them.
“So you think I’m weird,” she replies, tilting her head to the side. It is not a question, but it holds the same weight as one. Her bubbly tone has faded and there’s nothing left except the words themselves, so you think I’m weird. She doesn’t even sound insulted; she just leaves the phrase hanging in the air, bare and for all the world to see if not for the smile that still graces her features. Around them, staff and coordis and managers pass by as if the two idols are having the polite small talk that they should be having, and her facial expression doesn’t let them believe anything different.
He’s always been at lying, so the only option left is the truth. “Yeah, you kind of are.” He shoves his hands into his pockets – thank god his stage outfit even has pockets – but his eyes do not leave hers. He refuses to waver, not when faced with her. “You’re just – you don’t really smile a lot, do you?”
She looks like him like he is a new discovery that has just materialized in front of her eyes, as if she is recognizing his worth for the first time. He shifts slightly, uncomfortable with the way her gaze settles on him, and suddenly, her ear-to-ear grin is back in place as she bows and turns to leave. “I guess I’ll just look for Hoya-ssi next time.”
Looking back, he realizes – what kind of a girl visits someone in the middle of the night? A girl who needs a friend.
“What’s your ideal type, Eunji?” Gary-hyung asks when they’re filming for Running Man’s idol episode, all crammed together on the way to the destination of their first mission. Of course, Infinite and A Pink get slotted into the same car. “Pick one of the two guys from Infinite.”
Myungsoo sits on the other side of HaHa and it seems obvious which one she’ll choose. Myungsoo has the face and the charm, which is why so many girls fall for him in the first place. Although, to be honest, he can’t really bring himself to care; Destiny promotions are still happening and Running Man filming starts way too early in the morning for him to function properly.
“Um…. Sunggyu sunbae-nim?” she tentatively responds, before nodding in affirmation. “I think he has a really great personality.”
He can’t see her face because he’s sitting in the backseat, but he knows the smile is on her face. He knows to not believe a word she says.
“Oppa will consider your confession.” The entire car bursts out into raucous laughter as he looks out the window. Of course, he plays it off because it’s variety and that’s what he excels at, but is it normal to say that someone has a great personality after they tell you you’re weird? Even he knows the puzzle pieces don’t fit quite together.
Their manager texts him an article about the so-called confession the day after the episode airs. He opens and scans it quickly as he’s getting his roots dyed again; the article doesn’t say much, but then again, there really isn’t much to say. Other than the maybe 45 seconds or so of material, Sunggyu and Eunji have never so much as carried a conversation in the public eye. Not that they really have in private, either.
“What are you looking at, hyung?” Sungjong peeks over his shoulder, bored as he waits for his turn with the hairstylist. “Is Manager-hyung mad about something again?”
“No,” he tells the maknae, before the youngest disappears to go pester someone else. He fights the urge to sigh and instead texts the manager back.
s: It doesn’t mean anything.
The stylist ambles over and checks on his roots before frowning. “Looks like the bleach needs some more time, but you need to leave soon. I’m going to ask if we can just do your hair a darker shade of brown and save us some time.”
She hurries to make the phone call so he can leave on time for his next schedule, and he stares dispassionately at his reflection in the mirror. He rather likes the light auburn he sported for Destiny, but dark brown isn’t too far off. At least it’s not the fire-engine red they chose last year. It’s not the stylist’s fault in the least, just his hair’s annoying resistance to dye and a poor set of circumstances. Some things, he has come to find, are just like that – they are not the cause of any one thing, but they just happen anyway.
His phone pings with their manager’s response.
m: You don’t get
That is what the president’s words sound like, two sentences that should be distinctly separate but are instead rolled into one, one phrase immediately after the other with not enough time in between to breathe.
This is what it feels like, when she is introduced to A Pink and told she is one of them. No one believes it, least of all her. Chorong, the oldest and undisputed leader of the group, looks over her with a quiet disdain, but no one argues because they need a main vocalist. At this point, she is the godsend, she is the miracle that sets their debut date in place.
This is what she does, because there is not enough time to breathe, but just enough to protect herself. She alone is not strong enough to shoulder this burden, the weight of being the miracle. So she buries Hyerim deep, deep down, along with her Busan accent and her insecurities, and Eunji bows 90 degrees to greet her new groupmates.
It is a late autumn evening when some members of Infinite are gathered in the living room, watching the first few episodes of Reply 1997. It’s an uncontested ritual now; they always watched Myungsoo in his dramas – mostly to give him for his acting skills – so it makes sense for the habit to pick up again when Howon lands his first big role. The members are already debating about the uality of Howon’s character when Sunggyu finds that his eyes tend to linger a little too long on the main female lead.
“She’s cute,” he says in his defense when Howon shoots him a questioning look, one eyebrow arched.
snorts and crosses his arms, but otherwise doesn’t answer. He has no idea what the hell that means, but sometimes, with Howon, it’s better not to ask.
The incident is forgotten and the actress he dubs “cute” fades into the dark corners of his memory.
The banging at the apartment door is a rude awakening. Blearily, Sunggyu rubs his eyes with one hand and feels for his phone on his pillow with the other. The bright screen flashes something like 1:47 am and all he can really do at that moment, still too groggy for reality, is wonder what the hell is going on. In the minute or so it takes for him to gain his senses, the banging does not cease.
“Hyung,” Sungyeol groans from his side of the bedroom. “Make it stop.”
Infinite has a photoshoot to wake up for at 4 am and all he wants is 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep, but he is the leader and even if he wasn’t, 5 hours of dreamland is hardly reasonable in a job like theirs. He remembers the nights as a trainee when it was much, much worse. So he drags himself out of bed and across the living room to answer the door.
He stares at the offender, and she smiles back.
“Hi, sunbae-nim,” she greets with a perfect 90 degree bow, after just a moment of silence and confusion. “Is Hoya-ssi home?”
“Um.” How did this girl find their dorm? How did she even get into the building? “Sorry, who are you again?” he asks unabashedly in banmal. Even embarrassment isn’t awake yet at 2 in the morning.
“Oh.” He’d expect most people to be flustered, but instead she tucks her hair behind her ear with that smile still in place. “Hi, I’m A Pink’s Jung Eunji. I acted with Hoya-ssi in Reply 1997? I was nearby so I wanted to see if he was home.” Her use of formal speech grates on his mind; he has to stop himself from physically wincing as an automatic reflex.
ing hell, it’s too goddamn early in the morning.
Sunggyu rubs his eyes again and squints at her carefully, noting for the first time the puffiness under her eyes. He struggles to draw up the memory of the “cute” actress with her trademark eye-smile.
“Oh, hello,” he chuckles, switching to formal speech as well, as he should. He’s the sunbae, after all. Scratching the back of his head, he thinks of an appropriate answer to the reason why she just showed up at their dorm in the middle of the night. “Well, Infinite H actually had a schedule last night, so they’re not home yet…”
“Ah, I see,” she nods, her expression the same. Eerily, the smile doesn’t even budge, and Sunggyu thinks there is something seriously wrong with this girl. “Well, I brought some leftover sushi for him, since it’s his favorite, if you could tell him I dropped by?”
“Yeah, of course.” He takes the takeout box from her hands and bids her good night before closing the door, all but chucking the sushi into the fridge, and stumbling back into bed.
When he returns to the land of the living it’s already 4:15 and he can hear the other members eating breakfast in the living room. He trudges to the table and grabs his bowl of rice, not even stopping to greet Dongwoo and Howon, who must have just returned after he went back to sleep.
“Hyung,” Sungjong pipes up while still chewing, “who was at the door in the middle of the night? The noises woke me up.”
Dongwoo tells the maknae to shut up while eating before turning to the leader. “Someone came in the middle of the night?”
“Some girl looking for Howon,” Sunggyu brushes off as he swings open the fridge door in search of the fruit their manager brought the other day. Instead, he finds the takeout box of sushi on the top shelf. Now that he’s not half-asleep, when he grabs the box he sees that it’s from Howon’s favorite Japanese restaurant, on the other side of Seoul. Hadn’t the girl said she was nearby?
“A girl?”
“Looking for Howon?”
“She said she was Jung Eunji,” he tells Howon, who rolls his eyes and takes the takeout box offered to him.
“A Pink’s Eunji?” Woohyun brightens immediately despite the early hour. “She’s really nice, hyung. I thought you knew her! We used to live in the same apartment building as A Pink before we moved here.”
Right, he vaguely remembers something about that. They had played it up on A Pink’s reality show, calling themselves a big happy family. He wonders which fans actually believed it. Their companies are completely separate, after all, and it’s not like they could spend time together in between all their schedules.
“What did you think of her?” Howon asks, even though he usually doesn’t attempt to keep the conversation going, especially about a girl. Sunggyu frowns and tries to remember the impression she gave off, but comes up short besides inordinate amounts of enthusiasm, even for an idol.
“She smiles too much.”
His groupmate murmurs something low that sounds like agreement before their manager arrives and ushers them into the van.
The next time Infinite and A Pink have overlapping promotion cycles, A Pink’s popularity has exploded with their new single, NoNoNo. The catchy tune soon becomes a cult phenomenon as it’s played on every radio station, inside every restaurant, on every variety show. The effect that really matters is that as a result, A Pink shoots to stardom after two years of near-obscurity, becoming the beloved favorite girl group of creepy, middle-aged men all over Korea.
“Congratulations on your win, sunbae-nim,” she says when he passes her in the halls, backstage for M!Countdown. The smile is there again, the exact copy-paste of the one he saw at their door and some CF from a couple weeks back. It is so unnerving it takes him a few seconds to register what exactly she just said.
“Ah, thanks, Eunji-ssi.” They stand like that for a few moments, each looking at the other. Sunggyu wonders if she thinks he’s just as strange as he thinks she is. But after a period of silence, he assumes the conversation – if it can even be called that – is over, and he is about nod and move on when -
“Do you know where Hoya-ssi is? I’d like to see him.”
He looks her over again, this time with newer eyes. Her smile is even wider, if possible, to the point where it hurts to look at. She’s wearing a white flower in her hair to match her performance outfit and to any other person, she would look like an angel.
But there’s something very, very wrong with her. He doesn’t know why he knows so, but he does. What kind of a girl visits someone in the middle of the night?
“Hoya always liked girls that were kind of weird,” he blurts out. He’s always been a little like that, oblivious to social cues, saying the worst thing possible at the worst possible time. This time it’s no different. She stiffens and the smile falters a little, and for a second he thinks she looks normal. Human, like the rest of them.
“So you think I’m weird,” she replies, tilting her head to the side. It is not a question, but it holds the same weight as one. Her bubbly tone has faded and there’s nothing left except the words themselves, so you think I’m weird. She doesn’t even sound insulted; she just leaves the phrase hanging in the air, bare and for all the world to see if not for the smile that still graces her features. Around them, staff and coordis and managers pass by as if the two idols are having the polite small talk that they should be having, and her facial expression doesn’t let them believe anything different.
He’s always been at lying, so the only option left is the truth. “Yeah, you kind of are.” He shoves his hands into his pockets – thank god his stage outfit even has pockets – but his eyes do not leave hers. He refuses to waver, not when faced with her. “You’re just – you don’t really smile a lot, do you?”
She looks like him like he is a new discovery that has just materialized in front of her eyes, as if she is recognizing his worth for the first time. He shifts slightly, uncomfortable with the way her gaze settles on him, and suddenly, her ear-to-ear grin is back in place as she bows and turns to leave. “I guess I’ll just look for Hoya-ssi next time.”
Looking back, he realizes – what kind of a girl visits someone in the middle of the night? A girl who needs a friend.
“What’s your ideal type, Eunji?” Gary-hyung asks when they’re filming for Running Man’s idol episode, all crammed together on the way to the destination of their first mission. Of course, Infinite and A Pink get slotted into the same car. “Pick one of the two guys from Infinite.”
Myungsoo sits on the other side of HaHa and it seems obvious which one she’ll choose. Myungsoo has the face and the charm, which is why so many girls fall for him in the first place. Although, to be honest, he can’t really bring himself to care; Destiny promotions are still happening and Running Man filming starts way too early in the morning for him to function properly.
“Um…. Sunggyu sunbae-nim?” she tentatively responds, before nodding in affirmation. “I think he has a really great personality.”
He can’t see her face because he’s sitting in the backseat, but he knows the smile is on her face. He knows to not believe a word she says.
“Oppa will consider your confession.” The entire car bursts out into raucous laughter as he looks out the window. Of course, he plays it off because it’s variety and that’s what he excels at, but is it normal to say that someone has a great personality after they tell you you’re weird? Even he knows the puzzle pieces don’t fit quite together.
Their manager texts him an article about the so-called confession the day after the episode airs. He opens and scans it quickly as he’s getting his roots dyed again; the article doesn’t say much, but then again, there really isn’t much to say. Other than the maybe 45 seconds or so of material, Sunggyu and Eunji have never so much as carried a conversation in the public eye. Not that they really have in private, either.
“What are you looking at, hyung?” Sungjong peeks over his shoulder, bored as he waits for his turn with the hairstylist. “Is Manager-hyung mad about something again?”
“No,” he tells the maknae, before the youngest disappears to go pester someone else. He fights the urge to sigh and instead texts the manager back.
s: It doesn’t mean anything.
The stylist ambles over and checks on his roots before frowning. “Looks like the bleach needs some more time, but you need to leave soon. I’m going to ask if we can just do your hair a darker shade of brown and save us some time.”
She hurries to make the phone call so he can leave on time for his next schedule, and he stares dispassionately at his reflection in the mirror. He rather likes the light auburn he sported for Destiny, but dark brown isn’t too far off. At least it’s not the fire-engine red they chose last year. It’s not the stylist’s fault in the least, just his hair’s annoying resistance to dye and a poor set of circumstances. Some things, he has come to find, are just like that – they are not the cause of any one thing, but they just happen anyway.
His phone pings with their manager’s response.
m: You don’t get
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