warning(s): vague descriptions, confusing timeline, a whole lot of dramatic metaphors

word count: 7143; unbeta'ed

apologies for any spelling/grammatical errors

---

 

 

 

"Hyung, do you think we'll be forever?" Jongin whispers into the air, the question hanging off the breezy atmosphere, almost as if he was hesitating. 

 

Kyungsoo grins while picking at the dried leaves stuck in Jongin's pink wavy locks. They're a bit tangled, but Kyungsoo likes it that way. "Of course we will be, silly." 

 

"Forever like stars?" Jongin is expectant, brown orbs twinkling under the moonlight. 

 

Kyungsoo chuckles. "Stars aren't forever Jongin." His eyes crinkle at the younger's apparent pout. Tonight, Jongin is as ethereal as the vast starry sky, maybe even more. He reaches for the younger's hand with a gentle exhale. 

 

It's so quiet and Kyungsoo is hopeful. 

 

His voice softens at the sight of a yawning Jongin, who never lets him go. "But we will be."

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

There is no inspiration in the streets of Seoul. The view is bland, almost bleak and grey with hushed chatters and hurried footsteps. 

 

Sadness is what consumes them, the frown on each passerby contagious like a disease.

 

On mondays, Kyungsoo stays in a local coffee shop, always looking for inspiration. Tuesdays, and he roams around the neighbourhood. Wednesdays, and he feels completely lost. 

 

The days after that are a blur. 

 

Unlike the moments Kyungsoo captures, his whole being is almost irrelevant, unworthy of remembering, a flame almost dying out. 

 

Everything is as mundane as a routine, and he knows, that it will just be a repeat of broken lines and hazy almost-memories.

 

Like a soulless body, Kyungsoo is weak in a place where there are no rainbows, unlike nostalgic euphoria captured in countless photographs. It's funny, he thinks. He's hoping for happiness when he doesn't even try searching.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

A day at the beach is refreshing.

 

They had brought blankets to stay out even though it was autumn, and the breeze had gotten colder than usual. Kyungsoo sets up his camera on a stand almost as tall as him and takes an angled shot of the sunset. 

 

Wondering if he should include it in his company portfolio, he captures five more, and by the sixth Jongin had urged him to take a picture of them both. He'd gotten so much taller over the course of three years. Hotter too. But Kyungsoo won't ever tell him that. 

 

"Soo hurry! The sun's gonna set soon! We won't have time!" Jongin says as he jumps up and down, excitement taking hold of him. Kyungsoo just sticks his tongue out at him. 

 

He's never been that type of person, who does everything with grace and childish abandon, who smiles with nothing to hold back, but loving Jongin was like loving a child who had so much passion. A child who broke through the countless layers of facade he put up.

 

"You know I don't like taking pictures of myself." comes the reply, but Jongin grabs him with one hand, expertly intertwining their fingers like they've done millions of times before. Kyungsoo notices how perfectly they fit like a puzzle piece. He jokingly hits the younger with his free hand, though the smile on his face is fond. 

 

"Oh, shut up Soo." Jongin exclaims. He rolls his eyes in mock exasperation and says "You're a photographer. It shouldn't be a problem". And while Kyungsoo tries to retort indignantly,  Jongin clicks the button anyway with the timer on. 

 

With a leap to the front of the camera, he drags the smaller with him, almost toppling over in the process. The shutter sounds, and Kyungsoo can feel the breeze, the buzzing of the wind, and the fire jotted up his cheeks and into the depths of his belly when Jongin pecks at his plump lips. 

 

It's innocent, but there is an undertone of passion beneath it all, especially under the constellations in Jongin's eyes when he looks up. They stare for a moment, just breathing, distance almost non-existent, and there's a bubble of intimacy wrapped around them. 

 

Jongin breaks it though after what feels like forever, but not without a boyish grin, and Kyungsoo releases dying whale noises while he tries to race the other to the camera.

 

The photo isn't perfect. In fact, the lighting is awful. But he hides a grin after reaching for Jongin's hand despite the butterflies in his stomach because what they captured was iridescent.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Kyungsoo had always wanted to be a doctor. Doctors, his father had said, were the real heroes. He wanted to be one of them, to string the broken together, to wipe away pain with kindness and turn it into something more beautiful. 

 

But somehow, photography had caught his eye. It's not the expensive lenses nor the showy cameras. It's something more abstract and intangible.

 

A picture is a thousand words, he once read and it stuck to him how photographs speak for themselves, like numbers that represent a person or the colours in one's eyes that reveal emotions. 

 

It was when Kyungsoo saw something too breathtaking to be described in words that he realized how much he wanted to savour that moment and feel it all over, again and again. It was when he had seen such a dazzling smile that he'd decided to cherish every second with a stamp through time. 

 

And little did he know he'd see the boy with the mirthful eyes again, who would later on become his muse and infinitely so much more.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

After dating for four years, Jongin had unceremoniously plopped himself on Kyungsoo's couch after a tiring day of dancing. Kyungsoo remembers it all. The damp tee that stuck to Jongin's core like second skin, the hopeful eyes underlying nervousness, the strained smiles as if something held him back. 

 

And Kyungsoo had been unnerved as he readies himself for possible rejection and a succinct goodbye that meant the end of their precious co-existence. There's a tick on his lover's eyebrows, a surefire sign of inner conflict. Kyungsoo steadies his gaze on the floor, hands folded over his lap while he prepares for the heartbreak to come. 

 

"D-Do you..." Jongin's breath hitches, followed by a loud sigh.

 

Kyungsoo doesn't meet his gaze. There's so many things he wants to say. 'How many ways are there to say goodbye?', he asks himself. But he doesn't want to. Not yet at least. They've come so far, from strangers to lovers. And Kyungsoo knows he's greedy but he wants to be something more. Jongin stares at him in the eyes, though he looks defeated.

 

"Do you want to move in with me?"

 

Kyungsoo's eyes are comically wide. This is why he doesn't love surprises. "What?"

 

"I mean - it's totally cool if you don't want to. I just felt like this - this is the right time you know." He rubs the back of his neck. "B-but umm...I guess we could - we cou- mmphh"

 

Kyungsoo kisses him breathless with a pounding heart then. Hot tears spill from closed eyes while he pecks at every inch of Jongin's face. The latter kisses back just as eagerly, bringing a thumb up to where Kyungsoo's tears have rolled off. Cradling the elder's face, he stares with brows furrowed although with a hint of panic. 

 

", why are you crying. Soo, did I say something wr- don't cry please."

 

Kyungsoo buries his head into Jongin's chest. He can't believe this. They're still on the couch but with tangled legs, a snotty Kyungsoo and a confused but sweaty Jongin. Can they be anymore dramatic than this?

 

"I..." Kyungsoo's exhaling is loud. "I thought you were gonna break up with me." he whispers, though it comes out a whimper through wobbly lips. 

 

Jongin has the audacity to look offended.

 

"What? I will never break up with you." he states blandly, and he sounds just as offended too. Jongin fiddles with the hem of his tee, and then with Kyungsoo's veiny fingers moments after Kyungsoo has calmed. "We'll probably be stuck together. And - And we'll grow old together and love each other despite the wrinkles." Jongin continues with a fond grin as he rubs their noses together, resulting in a messy eskimo kiss. "And we'll have kids?" he continues but quickly suffices with 'Or dogs too if you want'.

 

"Alright?"

 

Their foreheads are leaning against each other now, breaths mingling into a haze of warmth. 

 

"Mm." comes Kyungsoo's reply, and although he is smiling now, his face is still a little damp due to the extra tears welling at the corners of his eyes caused by the tingles he's feeling. He's thankful that Jongin doesn't plan to let go anytime soon, because he doesn't either.

 

Thursdays with Jongin are breathless. Fridays are movie nights with extra kisses. Saturdays and Sundays with him, Kyungsoo decides, is home.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Do Kyungsoo spends his 22nd birthday on a hospital bed. The sheets draped over him are pearly white while the pillows are just as ghastly. 

 

In fact, the walls are pale too. Cracks inhabit them at the corners and near the doorway. 

 

Kyungsoo just wants out. 

 

He wonders how broken souls survive in a room as lonely as this. Do they even try to live? 

 

His eyes roam. There's a television set in front, although nothing too fancy, a couch at the corner, and a table full of food on the left. Every corner is covered with furniture but its empty, feels too empty. 

 

A bouquet of red roses settles innocuously at the surface of the table. Struggling with fatigued limbs, he rotates it in hopes of a card - something - yet to no avail there's none. 

 

Time stops for Kyungsoo while he listlessly flips from channel to channel despite the lack of entertainment. The hours drag on so slowly it physically pains him to wait inside a box of who knows how many people have died in. 

 

It seems like forever when someone knocks on the door, and Kyungsoo is suddenly excited.  He's never one for human contact - opts to stay as far from people as possible. But does Jongin know he had gotten into a minor car accident? Does he even remember Kyungsoo at all after their frequent chats at the cafe? The photographer with dull, hollow eyes? 

 

A meek 'Come in' bounces through white walls when all his happiness shatter. Chanyeol strides in, beaming and bright, but it's not the same. They aren't the same. Jongin will never be someone else. And Kyungsoo forces himself to grin back despite the sting at the back of his irises. 

 

 

 

--- 

 

 

 

"Jongin, where are you taking me?" Kyungsoo asks, teeth ground together in annoyance at the blindfold Jongin has gingerly placed on him. Not to mention the tight bind his hands are in as if the other expects him to run away.

 

He could call for help - well, he could technically report this dweeb to the police. Technically. But Kyungsoo knows better than to disrupt Jongin's ministrations. Like that one time he'd brought a toy poodle -Monggu to their house without Kyungsoo's knowledge. 

 

And Kyungsoo had freaked out more than usual, because having to take care of a dog was similar to nurturing a kid. He couldn't have his kid of a boyfriend father something akin to a child. Yet, Jongin had calmed him down, albeit with that pout of his, and in no time, Kyungsoo had agreed despite all the worries he had. 

 

The younger laughs, a breathy content sigh escaping his lips. "Later Soo, you'll see." he replies healf-heartedly. He can feel Monggu scratching at the back of his seat with his tiny paws. 

 

Kyungsoo frowns. They're going to have to fix that one too. 

 

The car windows aren't rolled down, so he gives up on trying to get some clues and leans his head back. "Where?" he asks after a while, fiddling with his fingers because that's the only thing he can do.

 

Jongin hums in reply. Kyungsoo doesn't need to see to know that the younger is smiling manically. Ed Sheeran's song plays on the radio after several pop songs he doesn't take note of. 

 

Smiling fondly, he thinks of all the possibilities. And it clicks to him how his birthday is approaching. Kyungsoo feels giddy all over like a teenage girl when Jongin places the warmth of his palm over Kyungsoo's. 

 

"You'll just have to wait and see, my love."

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Kyungsoo hides under the thick duvet, shivering when he hears the thunder rumble. He dials Jongin's number again, probably for the hundredth time, but he hasn't been answering his calls at all. His brows furrow for a second until Monggu climbs up their bed, asking to be cuddled. 

 

He picks him up with each hand underneath the poodle's arms and looks at him on eye level. "Was it-" he swallows thickly. "Was it because of what I said?" Monggu stares back unmoving, except the little tail whips that appear when he's hungry. 

 

"He's gonna be okay, right? W-We're going to be okay." he breathes out while patting the head of the poodle perched on his lap now, and maybe it's not Monggu he's asking for reassurance but himself. Maybe if Jongin wasn't such a drama queen, they'd be staying in their home, cuddling like the adorable family they are. Kyungsoo scoffs.

 

But it quickly changes into scared whimpers when he realizes how hard it's raining outside. Stupid Jongin, stupid sickness, stupid Kyungsoo for not being able to hold himself back. 

 

He doesn't know if he's concerned about Jongin not coming home or him not being able to hug Kyungsoo tight and tell him that everything will be alright. 

 

That night, Kyungsoo falls asleep to the buzzing of a storm. He falls asleep to a half-empty bed and teardrops rolling down his cheek.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Inspiration comes in the form of Kim Jongin, a young dancer who strives for anything and everything. He is a ray of sunshine in Kyungsoo's gloomy life, a tinge of hope amidst all the sadness and a wonder full of dreams Kyungsoo never had.

 

He doesn't miss any of his performances, because each is a star in their own constellation, yet so much like a firefly lighting up in the dark. 

 

Unexpectedly, Kyungsoo had fallen. With the way the other carries himself - how vibrant his eyes are when he sees an ocean of spectators waiting for him, for his very best. 

 

A twirl across the stage has the audience crooning, but Kyungsoo is awed in a world where there is only the two of them. Jongin's expressions never fail to keep him in a trance. They are their own kaleidoscope, and maybe so much more than just a chrome of coloured lines waiting to become a painting in itself.

 

With Jongin comes sly smiles and awkward greetings and all those in between. With him comes love and new memories.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

A boring walk to the park means a waste of energy. But his feet take him to an abandoned alley littered with scraps of tin cans. The place is almost abandoned, save for the few shops that seemingly never catch his eyes. He grumbles, and almost trips over cardboard, yet he searches. This could be a start to a new beginning, to some place he's never been to. But it could also be a waste of time, his mind retorts.

 

Curiosity gets the better of him anyway, so he makes his way in further and further with hands clutching on the camera hung from the contours of his neck, and reaches a dead stop with a studio right in front of him. 

 

It's a quaint little place. 

 

The door is adorned with a beige welcome sign too big for comfort, while the wood itself is ragged. Rather than brick walls beside it, there are glass windows in full length which stretch out a few metres to its right. 

 

A step is all it takes to see the most graceful pirouette he has ever seen, an arabesque up the ridges of sun-kissed skin, and a glissade across the sandalwood floors where there are muddy running shoes situated on top of a blue rubber mat. 

 

Behind the man is a mirror, where each action lives in its own reflection, and every single slide reminds Kyungsoo of the ocean's waves. Expressive but at peace. 

 

Everything is out of focus, and what unfolds in front of him seems more like a dream, a dream of a boy with mirthful eyes - of a boy with reckless abandon and confident steps.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Kyungsoo doesn't realize the days feel longer. Accordingly, he still fulfills his schedule, taking photos of what seems interesting but actually isn't. 

 

He still coddles Monggu, but with every moment comes Jongin, and they all flash back. Kyungsoo is lonely, but he isn't just that. 

 

What builds inside him underlies more than just hollowness, and it shakes his being to the very core. He has lost his rhythm, dazzled irises returning once more to a tinge of black and vacuity.

 

There is a bit of anger too, because Jongin has left him with his heart in hand, and not even a piece of it does Kyungsoo hold on to. Because Kyungsoo knows he's not coming back, despite all the promises.

 

And he hates how angry he is - maybe with the world because he's learned from the very start that everything goes wrong. People up, but emotions are on the line, which makes everything worse. 

 

Thursdays without Jongin are melancholic. Fridays, without him, are muted sounds and cloudy skies. Saturdays and Sundays are extra bowls of sogged cereal and faultless sheets. 

 

Without Jongin comes the absence of music and light footsteps. Without him comes longing and a broken heart.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Kyungsoo looks out his window as people shuffle out the polluted streets, too busy to care. 

 

No one stands motionless, but Kyungsoo is stuck in his own world filled with a polished camera, a box of memories, and Jongin.

 

He had just watered the plants, and fed Monggu his daily intake of dog food minutes ago. 

 

So he rummages through his things, and decides to throw out the useless ones. He can hear Jongin's ugly whistling while he cooks. It's far from perfect yet it makes Kyungsoo rumble out a hearty laugh from deep within his lungs.

 

"Come on, boy." he calls out to Monggu, who waddles comically across him. "Monggu." he croons softly while he picks him up and cradles him like a baby. 

 

It's obvious the dog loves Jongin more than Kyungsoo, but they have their moments. 

 

Jongin had taken it upon himself to crown Kyungsoo as 'Monggu's papa' while the taller himself is 'Monggu's dad', even though the toy poodle doesn't talk like a baby - technically isn't even human.

 

"Hmm, what's this?" Jongin steps in with a plate of pancakes in hand and a bottle of syrup on the other.

 

Kyungsoo fiddles with Monggu's arm absentmindedly. "Just cleaning up...stuff" he replies. 

 

Jongin sits there beside him silently, still with the pancake and syrup. 

 

He looks absolutely ridiculous with his pink apron on that reads 'WARNING: I dIDN'T wAsh My haNdS!' in red print like the dork he is, and his equally pinkish hair tied up at the front. 

 

It's just as endearing though. Kyungsoo wonders how he had managed to find a person as beautiful as Jongin, whom he adores and loves him back just as passionately. 

 

As he picks up a ragged piece of cloth, he wipes the sides of the box. Monggu had perched himself on Jongin's lap despite the pancakes. Kyungsoo pouts to show his dissatisfaction.

 

"What?" Jongin asks innocently though it's all a facade.

 

"You know what."

 

"Is this about our child again?"

 

"Your child you mean. He doesn't love me one bit." Kyungsoo says, and he's trying so hard not to snort.

 

The taller's eyes narrow in mock disappointment. "Are you divorcing me?" he accuses but a smirk finds its way on his face quickly. 

 

"Too late." he continues. "We're already ing married."

 

Kyungsoo gasps and quickly snatches Monggu to cover his tiny but fluffy ears.

 

"How could you, Jongin! Our baby can hear y-"

 

"."

 

"Jongin st-"

 

"." he says with a grin, looking absolutely psychotic. "And didn't you just say he was my child. Not yours." He places the plate and syrup beside him so he could snatch the toy poodle from Kyungsoo's arms. "I can't believe you filed for divorce, after all these years of being married." He sticks his tongue out at the shorter.

 

But it's short lived when Kyungsoo tackles them to the ground, albeit a little too happily. Kyungsoo accidentally steps on his left foot with a giggle, which earns him a loud wince but he only giggles harder. 

 

"The . I didn't even say anything."

 

"No cursing remember?" he reminds Kyungsoo. He gets an exaggerated eyeroll in return.

 

"Touché."

 

When they're all settled down, Jongin starts munching on his share of pancakes, occasionally feeding the other, but mostly teasing him.

 

Kyungsoo decides to continue cleaning, though every now and then, he would have the urge to smack Jongin on the face with the constant teasing and disturbances. It's all good though, because he finds a photo he'd been searching for years. 

 

It's a stolen shot of a ten-year old Kyungsoo at the park. He looks adorable in the navy pants and too large shirt he's wearing. 

 

"Jongin." he calls, and the other scooches closer so he could take a better look at the dusty photo.

 

He points to the kid behind him in the photograph who appears shorter with the angle it's taken. "That kid right there. He - he's the reason I started liking photography." he confesses bashfully.

 

Kyungsoo wonders how the kid has grown. The boy with the mirthful eyes, he had endearingly called him after all these years, yet they've never talked at all. He's thankful for unconsciously giving the ten year old him a starting boost to photography.

 

Jongin's eyes widen incredulously, and the expression on his face is unreadable.

 

"Eh?" He dusts the photo with his thumb.

"Is he your first love or something?" Kyungsoo expects the other to be jealous yet he seems anything but. 

 

Kyungsoo's brows furrow at the thought. "Hmm, i guess you could say that." He fiddles with his fingers then continues. "But we've - We've never even talked so not really? I don't know. He had the prettiest smile back then."

 

"Prettier than mine?" Jongin asks, and he's twiddling with his fingers too. He beams wide as if to get his point across.

 

Kyungsoo could feel Monggu rubbing his head at his clothed kneecap. He wonders if it feels good. He should probably try that too.

 

"I don't know..." he shrugs. "Times change."

 

The other gives him one of those intense stares again, and Kyungsoo feels so much as if he's being probed on.

 

"Even if it's the s-same person?" Jongin whispers quietly. 

 

"What."

 

"Did I ing stutter?"

 

Kyungsoo is confused. "WHAT?"

 

"Would my smile be prettier than that kid's? Even if that kid is me?" he explains with difficulty, because the chances of ending up with a stranger who had been in the same frame as you from almost more than two decades ago is no joke. "Though it's been what, 20 years? More?" he adds, since the other has gotten quiet.

 

Kyungsoo gapes as the information sinks in his head. He's never been one for mushy couple stories but this takes the cake.

 

"No way."

 

"Oh. Yes way." Jongin says with a nod.

 

"You have got to be kidding me." The realization has him feeling surreal but Jongin only deadpans.

 

"Shut up." Kyungsoo says, not able to wrap his head around the thought still.

 

"I didn't even say anything!" Jongin shoots back, though the smile he's wearing mirrors Kyungsoo's. And there's something warm about the way they've found happiness in a single photograph full of naivety and unadulterated innocence. 

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

The hallways are busy. Kyungsoo is dead inside, and even though he feels numb, he finds himself wanting to calm down. His head is buzzing from the lack of sleep but he doesn't care. He stopped caring a long time ago.

 

He opens the door, doesn't bother knocking because he knows there's no one else in there other than Jongin. 

 

But he wishes it should have been someone else, as cruel as it sounds.

He walks in. The floors are tiled, a bit beige but the scuffs of dirt leaves shaky memories at their wake.

 

He finds Jongin sleeping peacefully and Kyungsoo, with a bouquet of flowers in hand, doesn't know what emotion to feel.

 

He sits at the side, shaky hands clutching Jongin's. His hands are cold and pale unlike the beautifully tan skin he's used to reaching out for at night, but all those days have passed.

 

Long were the days he'd come home to the whistling of his other half, or the wolfish grins he'd receive in the middle of a cold September night. And he doesn't let go, afraid that Jongin might slip out of his grasp. 

 

By the time Kyungsoo whispers sweet nothings in the taller's ear, Jongin is awake, and his irises have courage painted in them more than Kyungsoo will ever have in his life.

 

He has long been broken, and the shorter feels guilty for hurting when the other had been suffering all this time physically - but never on the verge of giving up.

 

He lives for Jongin's bravery, but he doesn't know how long he could string himself together without the other.

 

"Kyungsoo, I-" he whispers in broken hushes. "I love you. So, so much." 

 

Kyungsoo's eyes twinkle with unshed tears. He'd cried so much in the entirety of their relationship, because the younger had given him his all. Kyungsoo doesn't know if he's loved enough.

 

Not yet. He'll love a little more. 

 

Kyungsoo hugs him tight and sobs into his chest, two hearts beating loudly in spontaneity. His line of vision is blurry and he wills the tears away to see more of Jongin, to make use of every second there is. 

 

"Don't. Don't cry Soo. It pains me, my love." There's a rasp to his voice. If only Kyungsoo had noticed it sooner.

 

"I- I brought you flowers." He sniffles and says "They're camillias, Jongin." after a while. His breath is hitched, so his words come out a garbled murmur.

 

"R-Remember?" Kyungsoo says brokenly. "White because I adore you." He maps out the contours of Jongin's palm and down the silhouette of his wrist.

 

"Pink b-because..." He exhales loudly. "Because I long for you. And red-" 

Kyungsoo stifles a sob when Jongin finishes for him.

 

"Red because you are my lifeline, Kyungsoo."

 

The younger tangles his hand in Kyungsoo's hair and combs through the tuft of raven silkiness with what he has left. And though his brows furrow at the pain, he lifts the elder's chin up and pecks at his cheeks and at the trail where his tears have dried off.

 

"Take care of yourself. Always." Jongin says. He tries to reassure Kyungsoo, but it's lost in the sobs he lets out. 

 

"D-Don't say that!" Kyungsoo scolds sadly, though his fingers find their way back to Jongin's weak ones. 

"I at goodbyes, remember? Please, don't." he begs Jongin but the other doesn't even hear. He pretends he doesn't.

 

Jongin whispers 'I love you's' until he loses the strength to speak, and Kyungsoo hates himself for crying because the other isn't - like he's ready for the goodbye.

 

How many ways are there to say goodbye?

 

This is just one of them, Kyungsoo thinks. But it's hard when he doesn't want to. 

Jongin kisses him on the lips. It's innocent and pure like their first, yet passionate enough to be their last.

 

Goodbyes wouldn't be goodbyes if there was a forever.

 

They both linger, taking in everything because it'll be changing soon. The kiss is fleeting, and it shadows longing, though Kyungsoo is too defeated to think. He's crying again, and Jongin cries just as much now, but with lethargic whimpers. 

 

They'll be see you later's because you'll be coming back.

 

Jongin's lips are cold like the winter air Kyungsoo despises so much. He can taste the tears on his tongue - tastes the heartbreak he had set himself up for.

 

But I'll love you in this lifetime and the next, and those in between, despite the barrier between dreams and the afterlife.

 

And suddenly all Kyungsoo hears is the sound of a static line and the rushing of doctors and nurses. White noise. Each buzz mirrors the slowed beating of Jongin's heart.

 

I promise, my love.

 

Kyungsoo finds himself whispering about how much he loves Jongin too, so so much. But everything comes to an end. 

The other had asked for a sweet goodbye, but even Kyungsoo couldn't give him that.

 

His world breaks into shards of glass when Jongin doesn't answer back.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

The blindfolds are taken away, the binds on his wrists loosened so he can take them off himself. 

 

Kyungsoo looks with bated breath. He's still disoriented from being in the darkness for so long so he blinks becore scanning the place. Monggu wobbles in front of him, his tail wagging from excitement. Jongin is right behind him, though there's a bit of distance when he grabs something from inside the car. 

 

The place is overlooking and lit candles are scattered around the area. At the end of the pathway, is a small table with two chairs and flowers hanging from the roof. 

 

He's never been here, and to think Jongin had planned so much tugs at his heartstrings. It's not lavish, yet its simplicity is breathtaking. The sky is now panted a dark hue and the stars dazzle above them gorgeously. He notices the leash Monggu has on. It's more of a ribbon than a leash, really. And Jongin never changes his leash except for special occassions. He's never seen it before so his brows raise when Jongin turns to him.

 

"Do you like it Soo?" Jongin inches closer when he sees the other make a confused expression. Kyungsoo doesn't know if this is about the leash or something else. 

 

"Those are Camillias." he says while pointing to the flowers lining the pathway. They're bunched in groups, red in colour, though a hint of pink occassionally makes its way to the edges of the petals. Some are white though, and some are splashed in the colour of carnations.

 

Kyungsoo nods with a fond smile. He feels so underdressed with the blue dress shirt his lover has on. But he feels like bursting too, as if there are fireworks in his stomach from the kindness Jongin graces him with.

 

"What's this?" he asks teasingly while they eat. Dinner is served by two waiters from the function near them. They come from time to time to check but never stay lomg enough. The raucuos laughter of restaurant goers ring nearby, though the area they are in is a bit secluded and private.

 

Jongin chuckles. "For your birthday." he says.

 

"We're still days away from it though." he replies then chews absentmindedly on the piece of steak he'd pinned with his fork. "But technically this is yours too, right?"

 

Jongin hums. "Yeah. But I couldn't wait."

 

"You could've told me though." Kyungsoo makes a face. He misses the way Jongin looks at him so fondly like he hung the moon and stars for him. "I feel awfully underdressed. Even Monggu's dressed better than me." he continues with a pout.

 

They chatter the night away, although most of it is playful banter. Jongin asks for Kyungsoo's hand moments after, and coaxes him into a slow dance where Jongin slopilly kisses him for every step on the taller's foot. Kyungsoo jabs at his chest every now and then too, for every kiss too careless.

 

Kyungsoo isn't a dancer by any means but Jongin is, and the way he positions his hand at Kyungsoo's waist has him continuously blushing. The way Jongin beams at him so proudly makes him want to puke butterflies, and for every constellation he traces on Kyungsoo's pale skin has the elder floating in the clouds.

 

"Anniversary?" Kyungsoo guesses. They're twirling around without a care in the world while Monggu wrestles with a squeaky toy Jongin brought along with them.

 

Jongin smirks. "Not quite."

 

Kyungsoo frowns at the reply. There's nothing else to celebrate, much less be commemorated with so much elegance. Maybe it's Monggu's birthday? But he realizes it passed months ago.

 

His frown deepens though it disappears when Jongin rubs the planes of his back for comfort, and noses at the crook of his neck before speaking. 

 

"Those camillias - you know what they're for right?"

 

It's a tight fit like perfect puzzle pieces. But also a bit awkward. Kyungsoo doesn't mind though, not with Jongin exhaling soft puffs at the curve of his nape.

 

When Kyungsoo shakes his head no, Jongin looks at him grinning, eyes crinkling into crescents. "Of course you wouldn't." the taller voices out humourously.

 

"Kyungsoo-" he starts. Jongin barely calls him that nowadays, only when they talk business. The younger drags Kyungsoo until they're standing at the end of the pathway, and situated in front of a bunch of camillias. 

 

"They symbolize perfection and admiration - and, and I'm telling you this because you're perfect Soo." His eyes soften at the last bit where it's nothing more than a hush.

 

He brushes Kyungsoo's fringe aside to look at his brown orbs. There's a hint of embarassment at his cheeks, and at the crinkles of his eyes too.

 

"Pink-" he says, breathless. "Because I will always long for you regardless of our distance. Whether we're continents away or in different lifetimes, I'll love you no matter what." His exhale comes out stuttered. 

 

Kyungsoo can see the other sweating out nervously. And he smiles sweetly for encouragement, because Jongin has never been one to voice out his deepest emotions, yet he leans onto expressing himself through the most common phrases but with stronger undertones.

 

Kyungsoo also doesn't know why Jongin is doing all this, but he's thankful for being deemed worthy.

 

"White because you're adorable, but also infinitely so much more. You're gorgeous Soo, from the tips of your hair to your toes." Jongin holds Kyungsoo's hand and caresses the back with his thumb. They can faintly hear Monggu growling low but softly in the background. 

 

"From the way your lips form into a heart when you giggle at the silliest things I do to the melodies you belt out in the shower. And the tears you cry when you're the loneliest..." Jongin murmurs while tracing Kyungsoo's cheek. "The moles at the ridges of your neck where they are their own galaxies to the hands that held mine when I was in a ditch."

 

Kyungsoo's eyes widen when Jongin kisses his hand gently. 

 

Jongin plucks out a red one just enough so he leaves the stem out, and places it meticulously at the slope of the back of Kyungsoo's ear so it sticks out daintily. 

 

"Red because you're a flame that keeps me alive - keeps my heart beating. My lifeline...a person who brings out the best in me and adores me even at my worst." 

 

By this time, Kyungsoo's eyes are a bit glassy, because Jongin is radiating so much adoration and he feels as if he doesn't deserve it. He buries himself into Jongin's chest where his words are garbled and screeches akin to that of a dying seal.

 

"You're blushing." Jongin points out cheekily. 

 

"I am not. Ugh, I hate you."

 

"Really now?"

 

"Yes. Really."

 

"Then-" Jongin pushes him away gently so he can get down on one knee. "W-Would you say no if I asked you for forever?"

 

There's a hint of worry in Jongin's irises. Kyungsoo thinks he's an idiot for even thinking about rejection.

 

"Jongin. Wha-"

 

"Do Kyungsoo..." There's a pause and Kyungsoo's world spins for the very first time. When the younger pulls out a red velvet box and opens, Kyungsoo's tears finally spill from the wells of his eyes.

 

Jongin takes a deep breath. 

 

"Will you marry me?" He asks, smiling hopefully.

 

It takes forever when Kyungsoo answers. It's not a yes nor a no but they're unique like that.

 

"You ing dweeb!"

 

He tackles Jongin to the ground despite the mud. He doesn't care about the world. Tonight, it's only them. Not Jongin and Kyungsoo but Jongin with Kyungsoo. 

 

Kyungsoo doesn't say yes either because all he does is whisper how much he loves the other. He kisses Jongin until they both become heady from the lack of oxygen, and as the latter giggles into their own bubble of warmth, Kyungsoo thinks they're forever.

 

 

 

--- 

 

 

 

Kyungsoo sees the dancer again, but this time it's in the coffee shop. He feels so much like a creep for trying to acquire the unattainable - for trying to befriend the mysterious dancer. Yet he doesn't do anything except look from time to time, and spies from the newspaper he's holding that oddly wasn't a part of his routine.

 

The blurry days untangle themselves into something tangible for the photographer. And Kyungsoo finds himself straying from his own indifference and out from his comfort zone.

 

He dips his head down when the other passes by though, because despite wanting to know him, Kyungsoo feels as if he is vulnerable and seemingly not enough. 

 

The dancer with the pretty feline eyes and sun-kissed skin wouldn't want to associate himself with a recluse of a photographer, who finds everything else but him disinteresting, boring, or lacking in the sense of valuability.

 

And Kyungsoo, in a way, dips down the abstract line between them - the line that separates their contrasting worlds where one is trying to fix himself through the seams that break through, and the other full of applause, conformity, and elegance. 

 

Whereas the other inspires, the other wallows in his own web of lifelessness.

 

But the dancer doesn't even know he is. They don't know each other's names - probably aren't supposed to in this sick twisted game called fate.

 

Weeks pass by though, and the day Kyungsoo gives up is the day the other notices. He notices the large orbs drowning but also the hope that comes like he's waiting to be saved. It's ironic, but Kyungsoo has always been.

 

Without a table to settle at, the dancer asks to sit at Kyungsoo's table, where he has a cup of coffee and a newspaper. 

 

Soon enough, becomes a regular of the shop. They don't talk but there is a silent agreement of sharing a bubble of calmness.

 

He also starts sitting across Kyungsoo and although Kyungsoo doesn't know what's interesting about him, hesitant eye contact has his heart beating fast.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

For the whole week, Jongin's been complaining about his difficulty to breathe. He's experienced it before. The sudden twinge across his spine, the hurling pain near the edge of his ribs.

 

And Kyungsoo knows the other is patient and enduring, so he insists on taking him to the doctor.

 

But Jongin is just as hard-headed, with all of his young recklesness. And he insists on taking Kyungsoo to places they've never been to instead.  Though they argue a bit, the shorter relents. He should've known. That Jongin had been falling head-first into the problem all by himself. Alone.

 

But Kyungsoo convinces himself that they were young and so so in love, starry-eyed and under the veil of bliss. 

 

They stay like that for weeks. Yet Jongin starts complaining again by the end of it all.

 

It wasn't anyone's fault, really.

 

When Kyungsoo finds out, Jongin yells at him for the first time, for finding a monster that was better kept in embers. He screams just as much, the inklings of frustration gathering into anger.

 

Kyungsoo doesn't blame the other, though he cries for the sad song they are living. He blames himself for being such a fool when the other had known all along. Jongin, despite how unreasonable his decisions were, had managed to unravel the knots in Kyungsoo's heart.

 

Jongin was gift to him. He wasn't just a lover, he was his friend too, a close confidant, as well as his muse.

 

Kyungsoo hates how he's taken away from him so quickly, because he should've realized sooner that good things come to an end, and that the best out there are like pretty flowers that get plucked out too soon.

 

"Since when?" Kyungsoo had asked one night. He remembers how it rained harder that moment, the feel of their tangled feet underneath the blanket, Jongin's shaking hand hovering over his.

 

Jongin doesn't answer him, and maybe it's best when some secrets are kept hidden.

 

On thursday, they go to a specialist instead of the beach. On friday, Kyungsoo stays in their room locked up all day crying. Saturday comes and he finds it difficult to wrap his head around the fact that Jongin has a month left. Sunday and he doubts their forever.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

The dancer had been eyeing him the past hour. Kyungsoo is just as guilty when it comes to stealing glances, though he wonders why the other keeps on looking.

 

He unconsciously holds the daily paper closer, and raises it a bit to cover himself.

 

There's a line they're hovering over, but not one of them speak still.

 

By the time he steals another glance, the other has his head on his palm, his arm propped up the mahogany surface confidently. A smile graces his features, and it looks so much like a smirk but his orbs reveal genuine interest.

 

Kyungsoo feels as if he's been caught in a game of hide-and-seek.

 

"I'm-" he says but exhales in the middle where his eyes crinkle just a bit. Kyungsoo thinks he's never seen anyone this divine.

 

"I'm Jongin."

 

"Jongin." he breathes out. The name is perfect on his lips. 

 

It reminds him of chocolate. His eyes are bittersweet, because Kyungsoo can see the faded scars behind his calm and bubbly exterior. And Jongin's smile - his smile are autumn leaves that fall between the winter air and the summer breeze. 

 

Kyungsoo smiles back and it's not strained. There's no routine to it. "Hi Jongin, I'm Kyungsoo." comes the breathy reply.

 

"So umm... I'm a dancer. What do you do for a living?" He drums his fingers on his cup in timidity.

 

Kyungsoo almost blurts out the fact that Yes, I know. I've been stalking you. Kinda. though he covers it with a clumsy guffaw.

 

He tries to hide the idiotic grin threatening to appear on his face when Jongin lights up at the word 'Photographer'. It's a tad bit awkward, and Kyungsoo flounders with his emotions in hand, but it fits the very first page of a story they'll unknowingly share.

 

 

 

[end]

 

 

 

---

 

a/n: yea i killed ksoo's beloved. im sorry not sorry Soo.

Comments, subs, and upvotes are appreciated :)