You have no right to be jealous. You dumped him for her. You have no reason to want him. You can’t want him anymore.

I keep thinking this, and it doesn’t help one bit. I love him. Even when I broke his heart, I loved him. When I was in her arms, I loved him. And now, when he is in his arms, I loved him. I love him, but I think I have abused and overused the word that the meaning is becoming unrecognizable to me and him. After all, when I confess that I still have feelings for him, he shakes his head and walks away.

I always dreamed of being married and having children. A husband and a father is what I desired to be, and I thought I couldn’t be them if I stayed with him. So in what I thought was in our best interest, I ended my relationship with him, and I began a romance with my close friend. However, she was only ever a friend to me, and during the time that we were together, I remained hers during the day, but in my dreams, I was his.

When our dating became public, I thought I would be happy, but I wasn’t. Because if the public knew of the two of us, so did he. And it is one thing to leave him for his and my future happiness, and it is another to leave him for her.

I will forever be haunted by the look of utter hurt in his expression as he first hears about my dating status.

He would have ignored me if not for the promotional activities we had due to our comeback, but for our fans, he plastered on a smile and continued our fanservice as if nothing had changed between us. For our Hottest, he acted like he was okay.

It must have started when I had been out of Korea for a pictorial or for a Chinese filming. I am not quite sure when it happened, but all of a sudden, he had someone else by his side. At first, I didn’t think nothing of it because Minjun has always taken great care of him. But I noticed that there was more touches that lingered a little too long, more whispers that brought them too close, and more glances that were much too heated. I tried to ignore the truth as much as I could, but I couldn’t any longer when I saw them kissing.

He was embarrassed. I remember that vividly, but he also was smug, I guess, and I remember that even more clearly. The look he gave me said that he was over me. That he was in love with another. That I was right when I said he would find someone else that made him happier than I could ever make him.

It was my turn to pretend that I was okay, and I did a pretty good job until my girlfriend broke up with me. She explained that she couldn’t be with me when all I wanted was to be with someone else. She needed someone who thought of her, and I apparently couldn’t give that to her.

With her gone, I gained perspective about myself. I was just afraid of how happy he made me. I was afraid of the problems we would have if we were ever found out. I was a coward who thought I could hide behind a woman for the rest of my life. I was just scared.

Unfortunately for me, I realized this all too late. Wooyoung had chosen Minjun, and I would try to fight for him, but he did the one thing that forced me to accept a reality without him; he forgave me. He forgave me, which meant that he harbored no more feelings for me. He held no bitterness for me because he loved Minjun so much that I was of no romantic interest to him. With that knowledge, I resigned myself.

Which brings me to the present. We are in the middle of “My House” promotions, and I am having trouble restraining myself. I am beginning to glare openly at Jun.K when he hangs on my Wooyoung during a filming. But because Wooyoung is, in fact, not mine, I do my best to smile.

Jinyoung hyung has not made it any easier for me to get over him. He insisted that we should play up the Khunyoung ship since I am now single, and since it was an order rather than a suggestion, Wooyoung and I decided it’d be best to just listen to him. Surprisingly, Minjun did not protest. He trusted Wooyoung, and he foolishly believed in me too.

So I sit next to Wooyoung. Just hoping he will love me again. I covet him despite knowing that if he happens to return to me, I would cause one of my best friend unbearable pain.

And even if I shouldn’t be jealous, I am. I am so madly, pathetically, stupidly jealous of their happiness because Wooyoung should have ended up with me. I should have been the one to make him happy forever.