cha hakyeon was a twenty six years old man, brown hair with fringes falling on his eyes made him look like he was no older than twenty. beautiful sparkling eyes was the most favorite thing about him besides all the things jaehwan liked from hakyeon. different kind of smiles he had given to anyone and jaehwan could differentiate them after years. they had met in college, hakyeon searching for a roomate to be with and jaehwan needed a room to stay at for four years straight. it had went on for six years, even after they worked. they had shared everything they had to each other, had acted like one cannot leave well without the other. but jaehwan took it all seriously, and fell for the older guy.

he was done with his works early that day, he was used to stay longer in his office but his boss had left to go overseas for days so he decided to go home right at time. he carelessly threw his bag to the passenger seat, loosen his tie after he got in his car and closed the door. his phone then had lighten up. it was from hongbin.

‘are you okay, hyung?’

‘i’m having a good time! that’s nice for you to ask, hongbin.’

‘no, hyung, that’s not it.’

but jaehwan had forgotten to reply until he had arrived at his apartment’s basement. his phone lit up ones again, showing hongbin asking ‘don’t you know what’s happening right now?’

‘i dont know what you’re talking about, what is it?’

he decided to check his social networks while he was in the elevator. he was surpsied to see sanghyuk, finally posting something but had made jaehwan completely confused. 

“heard a good news today! congrats for taekwoon and hakyeon hyungs!” and he saw taekwoon commented ‘thanks^^’ above it.

jaehwan had only thought of sanghyuk only knowing the fact that taekwoon, dated hakyeon for already three months because sanghyuk was studying in another country and couldn’t seem to keep in touch of what’s happening at times. jaehwan remember how long it took for him to find out that hongbin and wonsik dated, a year after wonsik confessed, probably.

hakyeon had been gone for three days, maybe he was busy with his work or maybe he had been staying at taekwoon’s place, but hakyeon had promised him to come home at four, and jaehwan knew he was already inside once he pressed down the door password.

seeing hakyeon made him feel like his weights he had been lifted off automatically and it was such a nice feeling. he had loved hakyeon for years and he was okay with the feeling, not having any fears he should have. he had seen hakyeon date a lot of people and had never seemed to go well so jaehwan wasn’t worrying so much about hakyeon’s and taekwoon’s relationship even though hakyeon knew taekwoon longer before jaehwan knew him.

“jaehwannie!” hakyeon greeted him with his usual, excited and soft voice from the kitchen table, waving to the younger room who had just entered the room. “have you eaten anything?”

and jaehwan nodded at that, “but i would like to have some of your macaronni and cheese.” and so he abandoned his working bag and put his phone on the counters near them, and sat right in front of the older who looked happy.

he knew his hyung was always this cheerful, always smiling at times, but it wasn’t the usual happiness, this could only happen if hakyeon felt like he had accomplished something; this was hakyeon when he was graduating from college, and it was already four years ago. and also hakyeon when he got promoted at work. jaehwan wondered if something happened. “you look unusually excited,”

“jaehwan-ah,” hakyeon grinned at him.

“yeah?”

hakyeon suddenly grabbed both of jaehwan’s hands, and he knew the older was going to tell him something by that. “he had probably told a lot of people by now, but you’re the first person i’m telling to!” jaehwan raised his eyebrows, he?

“i’m going to marry taekwoon.”

 

jaehwan blinked. did he hear it right or wrong? was he dreaming? he was lying, yes, maybe he was kidding, ‘was today april fool’s day?’ jaehwan even thought.

“jaehwan,” he felt hakyeon shaking up his body by grabbing his sides and looked straight to jaehwan’s eyes, “i’m marrying him.”

that’s when he felt like his world had scattered to pieces.

the younger wanted to do nothing but run away from him and lock himself in his room forever. but then again, hakyeon probably knew jaehwan well than himself, so acting was his only choice.

 

“well, that.. was, unexpected.”

hakyeon titled his head to the right, and it was the cutest thing to do in such a sad moment like that. “how come?”

“hasn’t it only been months since you dated him?”

he already knew the answer. jaehwan already knew. hakyeon also knew his look of understanding so he didn’t bother to say anything. it was surprisingly easy to curl his lips to a smile. “anyways, congrats! so when’s the wedding gonna be?”

“he said it should be on my birthday.” and jaehwan could feel it, his happiness.

“you mean in three weeks?”

“oh, wow, you’re right.”

jaehwan wasn’t all waiting for it. no. he didn’t have anything for hakyeon, besides giving him those limited edition sneakers he had been chasing but didn’t have any chances to buy. and he didn’t work up all night to wrap it up, despite already having to celebrate and did the same thing for all those years with him. “coincidence!”

jaehwan asked him about his plans, and hakyeon then talked about things he did with taekwoon. he was honest, he had been in taekwoon’s home, he had been meeting his family, and they just decided to get married. all those times, maybe that was the first time he had ever felt like he didn’t want to talk to hakyeon, him talking about his ex boyfriend became the second one. it was like he wasn’t even hearing hakyeon’s words, he was spacing out while hearing him but the older surprisngly did not notice at all.

he then suddenly stood up, and hakyeon was a bit startled, “where are you going?”

“bathroom, i- you know-business,” jaehwan faked a stomacache by clutching his stomach with his two arms and hakyeon laughed a bit and his heart melted, but he wasn’t feeling like it was a right thing to do—making him smile, wasn’t actually his job anymore. he had someone to do it for him already. he turned back to go before hakyeon reminded him that his phone was on the counter, and jaehwan couldn’t go to bathrooms without it, and that was also the first time he had forgotten about it.

jaehwan looked at himself in the mirror, “such a pathetic love loser you are,” he told himself and laughed at his stupidness. in a while he could feel the urge of wanting to cry. he couldn’t stand the mirror because of how sad he looked. it wasn’t him at all, how he had never felt as sad as that before. and it’s all because of a stupid wedding. he decided to call hongbin because the guy knew he was going to feel like that all along.

“hongbin-ah,” his voice was getting weird, it was like he was crying already.

“i know, should i be there?” hongbin had prepared to go out. he was already changing to proper outfits since wonsik told him on the phone that taekwoon and hakyeon were going to get married. he already knew jaehwan was going to have a really hard time.

“i- hakyeon is here, and i know he wasn’t going to leave anytime soon.”

“come here, then. wonsik would be here in a few minutes, too.”

 

“hakyeon hyung,” and he had to see hakyeon’s pretty face because the older immediately glanced at him, from the tv. “i have an urgent meeting to attend, maybe i’ll be late. i’ll probably go home or stay at a collague’s house,”

“but i just got here!”

“sorry hyung, go call taekwoon hyung or something.” he wished hakyeon wouldn’t notice how cold he sounded like.

his hyung was pouting, and jaehwan didn’t want to think that he was cute like that, but then smiled again at him, “alright, be safe!”

 

 

he had walked all his way to hongbin’s place because of how near it was, and during the road there, jaehwan remembered it all again. hakyeon’s face lit up like he was the happiest person in the world, while telling those words that made jaehwan feel like his world had been crashed down.

“jaehwan hyung!” he noticed wonsik from afar by spotting him wearing his favorite snapback, and he didn’t realise that he was crying after he tried to smile and wave at the younger. he saw wonsik beginning to panic and ran to him.

“it’s okay hyung,” he felt wonsik hugging him so tight at the entrance of the apartment building. “it’s going to be alright”

 

hongbin had never left jaehwan alone that night. he was there, listening to his words, trying to entertain him, feeding him things he didn’t want to eat, and gave jaehwan his sleeping clothes to wear. wonsik was also there in the living room, but he was too busy writing his blog entry but they didn’t mind. jaehwan was laying on the sofa with his head resting on hongbin’s thigh, the younger having his fingers carressing his hyung’s hair.

“what’s the purpose of my life right now... when i’ve been living all these years just for him.” and hongbin patted his hyung’s cheek softly as if to calm him down.

“i don’t understand, why can’t i just confess my feelings to him? why does it seem so hard for me to do so? i can seem to say other things but why not ‘i like you’ that could probably change everything?”

he had been ranting nonstop. he knew that he shouldn’t do that, he knew that hongbin didn’t mind listening to him, but he felt bad and he couldn’t stop doing so.

“you told me about how hakyeon hyung had never seem to have a day without dating someone, hyung, so i know why you havent done anything like that.” wonsik suddenly said without glancing at the other two, and jaehwan felt calmed down a bit.

jaehwan fell asleep on the couch, but hongbin tried to hard to pick him up to move him to the guest room’s bed for him to feel comfortable enough in sleeping, hoping that his hyung would have a fine day after he woke up. his hyung had done so much for him, and he felt like it was the thing he could do when he was in a hard time.

 

“do you think, hakyeon hyung likes him too?” wonsik asked hongbi, as both of them are getting ready to sleep.  

hongbin then turned to face wonsik who’s laying beside him. “i dont know about that, sik-ah, since were not even that close to him, but there was a moment when i felt like hakyeon was waiting for jaehwan hyung.”

he remembered it.  it was when its the first time he had met jaehwan. the older had agreed to take hongbin home, because he didn’t know his address and his best friend slash roomate, sanghyuk was giving him incorrect directions. before the car ride, jaehwan excused to talk to hakyeon for a minute. he could see that hakyeon paid so much attention at him, smiled at the smallest things, and he saw hakyeon still staring at the car they rode together until they were out of sight. but then again, maybe that time, hakyeon was having a boyfriend so jaehwan couldn’t make any moves.

wonsik nodded at that, “but he didn’t have the chance.”

“yeah, very much so...” hongbin felt sad for jaehwan because its the truth. if it wasn’t because of hakyeon being taken, and he knew his hyung wasn’t a coward, except for things related to love.  “maybe he just, you know, wanted to marry. or he really loved taekwoon hyung. who knew this would happen. we’ll just, continue to keep an eye of jaehwan hyung,”

 “i’m fine with that.”

 

jaehwan went home the next day in the evening, he saw taekwoon getting in his car earlier but didn’t even feel like he should greet him and just got into the elevator.

hakyeon was watching tv again, just as like the last time he had left, but he had an invitation in hand and handed it to jaehwan. “isn’t it pretty?”

it was black and white, ‘to Mr. Lee Jaehwan’ on the invitation, and he couldn’t think of the nice things he should tell hakyeon.

“jaehwan?” the younger took so long to respon, he was only staring at the invitation weirdly. He had his hand grabbing jaehwan’s shoulder.

“hyung, can you just, leave me alone?” he groaned, trying to let go of hakyeon’s hand off him. hakyeon gasped, he was never like this. he was never mad at the older, not even when hakyeon made so many mistakes to him. but he was there, face showing that he was so angry. hakyeon wanted to cry.

jaehwan felt guilty after a moment. he wanted to slap himself, he wanted to do everything for making hakyeon felt bad like that. he didn’t want him to be sad. “i-i’m sorry, i dont know why i’m getting so stressed lately,”

hakyeon tried to think what might made jaehwan to be like that. did he do something wrong lately? he couldn’t think of anything. maybe his works made him like that. he sighed, “it’s fine, go get some rest.”

 and jaehwan left hakyeon who was still feeling guilty and confused about it.

 

 

“i hope he knows how much i like him, and it’s still painful that i couldn’t have any chances to be with him anymore.”

he then hung up the call. he had excused himself from hakyeon to go to their apartment’s balcony because of the phone call, and turned out that junghwan was calling him. he moved to another town and his old friend was worried because jaehwan hadnt been on his social media accounts for a few days. jaehwan decided to speak up to him. when he was done, he sighed as he looked at the view behind him. he needed to face hakyeon again, who was probably busy with his phone.

but he was there, standing in front of jaehwan. “you- why? why didn’t you-“

jaehwan wanted to act it all up, but he was too tired. he was done with pretending. “it wasn’t a big deal, hyung, just go wrap up your things.” hakyeon told jaehwan that he was going to leave. the apartment they had been sharing for years. it was a week before the wedding, and jaehwan knew he had loads of things to do. he knew he should help, but he wasn’t, because jaehwan wouldn’t stay.

 

“dont tell me what to do-i’m staying until tomorrow. i’m sorry..”

“for what?” jaehwan felt angry again.

“for be-“

“nothing happened between us, okay, hyung.” he cut his hyung’s words, and had prepared words to say, “it’s just that i- oh my god,” and there, the first time he also cried in front of hakyeon. it was almost stupid to think that he was crying this time, after all of those times he had been the one who had hakyeon in his arms, sobbing and had his head buried in jaehwan’s chest, did not mind if his shirt was going to be damp because of tears at all. he didn’t want hakyeon to move from his position, he didn’t want to feel his body getting closer to jaehwan and hakyeon’s arms wrapping around him.

“sorry...” he muttered once again, before placing a soft kiss on jaehwan’s lips, unexpected but jaehwan had refused to feel it. he ignored how soft hakyeon’s lips was against his, how sweet it had felt like, and tried so much to not close his eyes until hakyeon lets go of his lips. he didn’t want to fall in love more with a soon-to-be married man. it was so wrong to do so.

 

it was two am when jaehwan woke up on his bed. beside him, hakyeon was laying under the sheets, half of his face buried but jaehwan could still see how tired he looked. he wasn’t seeing any luggages being packed up, everything was still there. they were in hakyeon’s room, jaehwan noticed after a few minutes, and he didn’t want to remember what happened last night besides having to drink too much beers he had bought for his stress, knowing hakyeon wouldnt even come home. he picked up his clothes to throw it in the laundry, not seeming to bother to bring them with him. if something happened between them other than the kissing incident last night, he hoped it was all just a dream.

he went in his own room being locked for a while and unlocked it to reveal his own clothes and  things already been packed up. he then opened one of the luggages to take some clothes to wear.

“are you sure this is a right time?” hongbin’s voice sounded like he was still drunk in sleep, and jaehwan felt bad. but it was hongbin who had refused when jaehwan told him that he was going to go to the airport himself, hongbin wanted to make sure his hyung was safe.

“yeah, i think i’m ready to go now,” jaehwan answered him. he had packed all the things, leaving his worn out bed, desk and chair, and also a closet. what stand out the most was a framed picture of jaehwan and hakyeon, both smiling so wide on hakyeon’s graduation day. hakyeon had his left arm around jaehwan’s shoulder, and jaehwan smiled at the memory. but it was all he could get from the older. he wanted more, but he could not do so. the pain had been unbearable, but jaehwan had learned a little bit to forget about it.

when he had placed his luggages outside to be picked up by wonsik and hongbin, he looked back to hakyeon’s room. and he could hear how hongbin was telling him that he should say something to him like leave him a message, but jaehwan didn’t want to do it. he still came, he just moved closer to grab hakyeon’s hand and the older was smiling in his sleep. hyung is having such a nice dream, jaehwan thought. he didn’t know why he moved too close until it was him that kissed the older, reminding to himself that it would be his last time seeing him. he got up from his position then, “thank you for all these years, i’m glad having you taking care of me.” and he fought the urge to cry when he turned to his back, walking straight to the door and immadiately closed the apartment they used to share together.

hakyeon had been the reason why he still lived. but he was going to be belonged to someone else, and jaehwan could do nothing about it but leave and search for another reason to live.

perhaps this way, hakyeon could live a better life.