Sometimes Sanghyuk just needs a break.

These times he wishes he wasn’t an idol, that he could go back to his old high school and graduate normally with his friends, go to net cafes and noraebangs with them and waste his youth being a youth. There isn’t an ounce of regret in him, but sometimes, he just needs to pretend that he isn’t an idol. The pressure hits him more and more as the years pass and he thinks it’s normal for the members too, but… sometimes even the distance between him and the others is just more pressure being added on.

He needs a break from being an idol, from being roommates with Ravi and being VIXX’s maknae.

And sometimes, he finds that break, always in the most unlikely of places and the most unsual circumstances but always with the same person.

Those are the times that Sanghyuk feels like Sanghyuk and not just Hyuk of VIXX.

Sungjae isn’t pressure, he’s that breath of air that blows the pressure away, he’s smiles and long limbs and silly antics and sometimes Sanghyuk will be reminded of Ken, but most times this is Sungjae being Sungjae and easing the pressure off of Sanghyuk.

Sanghyuk may not have gotten to graduate with his old classmates, but he got to graduate with Sungjae and that counts for way more than he could ever want.

"I like you," he says it so easily and Sungjae would be the one to say it first, to say it like it’s second nature.

"You’re dumb," is what Sanghyuk replies with, but his face is the deepest shade of red it’s ever been and Sungjae barks out a laugh.

But when Sungjae holds his hand, whenever Sungjae touches him, the pressure bleeds out of Sanghyuk like an open wound. Sungjae’s hand isn’t soft at all, it’s calloused and rough but warm and so enticing that Sanghyuk holds on tighter than he’d ever admit to. His hands are slightly bigger than Sanghyuk’s, fingers longer and slimmer and Sanghyuk can’t help but notice the difference.

Sometimes, these breaks are what keep Sanghyuk grounded, what stops the pressure from exploding Sanghyuk.

Sungjae isn’t his hyung, he isn’t his band member, and he doesn’t see Sanghyuk as an idol. He doesn’t treat Sanghyuk like a child and there isn’t anything condescending about the way he looks at Sanghyuk or pets his head. This is what he needs most, what stops his feet from completely freezing in place.

"I like you too," comes the real response months later behind closed doors of a dressing room, the hyungs all being dumb and Sanghyuk is always so thankful for how loud N and Eunkwang can be.

And Sungjae blinks, but that familiar smile creeps up on his full lips and he almost looks cool for a moment before breaking off into a silly tirade of giggles and flying arms, “I knew it!”

Sanghyuk rolls his eyes, but presses his leg closer to Sungjae’s and the warmth of the other is enough for the pressure to seep out, Sungjae’s hand sneaking up to squeeze Sanghyuk’s only makes it better.

Having promotions overlap is always one of Sanghyuk’s favorite things (aside from Sungaje, always always aside from Sungjae) and it’s the only time they actually can spend together aside from occasionally sneaking out in the middle of the night to sit side by side on creaky park swings.

Sanghyuk likes all the BTOB hyungs too, they’re always nice to him and not so teasing, but of course they all come second to Sungjae.

Maybe it was a good thing they debuted in the same year, if they hadn’t, would they still get to do all the joint performances and have that familiar rivalry between each other? Sanghyuk thinks they wouldn’t and he doesn’t want to think about Sungjae not sitting next to him in the same dressing room, thighs pressed together and fingers tangled behind their backs.

Kissing isn’t the most pleasant thing to do with Sungjae at first, they’re both inexperienced and both so unsure but in so much demand for the other’s lips against their own that they knock foreheads and teeth together and at one point Sanghyuk accidently bites down too hard on Sungjae’s bottom lip that it bleeds.

"Sorry," apologizes Sanghyuk when he pulls away for breath.

Sungjae shakes his head with a laugh and at the small cut, smoothing down Sanghyuk’s hair. “It’s okay, I just didn’t know you liked biting.”

"Well you like holding my hair," he accuses right back with a grin.

"It’s soft, that’s why," Sungjae explains.

"Your lips are soft too," says Sanghyuk, pink dusting his cheeks and Sungjae indulges in the urge to kiss him again, hands instinctively carding into his hair.

They kiss, long and deep and unplesantly with their lack of experience but it still feels good. Sungjae pulls away this time and Sanghyuk can faintly taste blood on his tongue. “We should go.”

Sanghyuk nods, flushed as Sungjae smooths his hair down again and Sanghyuk peeks out the closet door before giving the clear and he and Sungjae exit the broom closet as quickly as they had entered it.

They’re giggling when they turn a corner and run into Ken, an amused look splayed across his face. That only makes them laugh more before departing their separate ways, Sanghyuk following Ken’s footsteps, but his eyes still glued to Sungjae’s retreating figure.

"You look like you had fun," says Ken and he looks less amused now, but there’s a smile on his lips and Sanghyuk nods anyways.

The performance that night feels good, Sanghyuk running on fuels of elation and his high is only spiked when Sungjae gives him a thumbs up from across the hall, a quirky wink thrown in and butterflies threatening to eat away at his stomach.

Hongbin comments on his good mood on the ride home and Sanghyuk shrugs, says it’s from the weather but he’s still smiling as they all collapse on their beds when they reach the dorm. Ravi falls asleep without washing up and Sanghyuk gets a kakao message as soon as his body hits the mattress. He and Sungjae text until three am about everything and nothing and Sanghyuk briefly thinks about the familiar feeling stirring in him from when he was in middle school and would stay up late messaging friends or potential girlfriends.

"So are we like… boyfriends or something?" asks Sanghyuk hesitantly the next time they see each other (weeks later from their last broom closet make out session) and his hands are cold in his coat pockets but he’s afraid to take them out.

Sungjae looks at the ground for a moment, feet kicking at the dirt and the rusty chain links of the swing creak loudly. “Do you want me to be your boyfriend?”

"I don’t know," Sanghyuk answers honestly but that doesn’t stop his voice from sounding like an embarrassed teenager.

Suddenly Sungjae is shoving his hand into the pockets of Sanghyuk’s coat and his fingers around Sanghyuk’s are warm, sososo warm and rough and calloused and Sanghyuk loves holding his hand.

"I want you to be my boyfriend though," Sungjae admits and he’s still staring at the ground. Sanghyuk knows how nervous Sungjae is too despite his never ending boldness.

"In that case," Sanghyuk rubs a thumb over Sungjae’s knuckle, "We’re boyfriends then."

They’re both aware of how difficult it will be, of how limited their time will always be. They know that this whole thing is dangerous, could destroy both their careers and that it might not even last or progress at all.

But there’s hope, there’s hope when Sungjae walks halfway back to the opposite dorm, hand still in Sanghyuk’s pocket and that same dumb smile on his face. The pressures fading away and as strange as it sounds, Sanghyuk doesn’t feel like an idol, doesn’t feel anything but normal and safe with Sungjae and that’s enough.