It had been an accident but neither Luhan nor Sehun – nor anyone else for that matter – knows it. Accident or not, Sehun would never forgive him if he learned the truth, so now Luhan has no choice but to erase himself from Sehun’s life. It's the least he can do and it all honesty, it's also the last thing he wants to do. Losing Sehun is destroying him, but that doesn't matter. Sehun is what mattered. And besides, what Sehun doesn't know isn't going to hurt him.

Maybe it would have been better if Sehun had died. At least it would have been easier for him, but Luhan wouldn’t have been able to cope with the guilt and then it would have only been a matter of time before he took his own life. Would that have been for the best? Perhaps. They still would have been together that way, if nothing else. But would Sehun still want to be with them in Heaven? Not if he knew the truth.

Luhan wakes up in the middle of the night, sweating. He’s had the nightmare again – the same one he’s been having every night since the incident that caused Sehun to lose his memory. He wants to relive it. He always wants to relive it, but he’s never had the guts to. He thinks it’s too dangerous and he’s right; it is. But the tiny voice at the back of his mind tells him to do it and this time he’s too weak to fight it. Pushing the blanket aside, he stands up from the sofa and walks around the coffee table. He catches sight of the box for a moment and glances at the note beside it. “Not yet,” he whispers in response to it. “I’m not ready just yet.” He snatches his keys from the bowl on the table, walks over to the door and unlocks it, sneaks out of the apartment – being careful not to disturb Yifan – and locks it again without even bothering to grab his coat.

The bitter cold wind bites at him but he bites back harder because he’s just as bitter. The cold doesn’t bother him – not physically, anyway. It reminds him of Sehun’s warmth, of the feeling of Sehun’s chest pressing against his back as they slept peacefully through countless winter nights. It reminds him of the look of childish delight that appeared on Sehun’s face every time they woke up to find a fresh layer of pure white snow covering the ground and the rooves of the surrounding buildings. It reminds him of how different they are: Sehun was sweet and childlike, warm and welcoming like the heat of a log fire on a freezing winter night; Luhan was callous and calculating, icy and relentless like the cold gust of air that extinguishes the flames.

Sehun is the fire that longs to be loved but burns everything that he touches and Luhan is the ice that he’s melting.

By the time Luhan reaches the block of apartments Sehun lives in, his face is red and wet with tears. He knows exactly where Sehun’s apartment is and stands under the window, tilting his head back to gaze up at it. Sehun is in there. He could run up the stairs to the front door and bang on it until someone lets him in. It’s taking everything he has not to do it.

He stays there for as long as he can manage without freezing to death, but then a face appears at the window and he has to flee. It’s a face he recognises – Byun Baekhyun, one of Sehun’s friends. This is exactly the reason he hasn’t come back to relive his nightmare until now. This is what was what dangerous about it. He just hopes Baekhyun didn’t see him, or at least that he didn’t recognise him, because how can he disappear if he’s still remembered?

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Sehun wakes up earlier than usual, probably on account of the loud smash he hears coming from the living room when Chanyeol accidentally knocks over a glass and causes it to shatter. He sits up straight, wondering if he should go and find out what the noise was. The digital clock on the bedside cabinet to his left tells him it’s 7 AM. He usually gets up at 8, so something must be wrong. He’s scared – because someone’s probably broken into the apartment – but he gets up anyway and approaches the door. That’s when he hears someone shush their companion, followed by the sound of Baekhyun’s voice. “Channie! How could you be so clumsy? He’ll hear you!” His voice is hushed as if he’d trying to keep their conversation between him and Chanyeol.

Upon hearing his roommate’s voice, Sehun relaxes and walks back to his bed, intending to sleep for the next hour. But a combination of worry and curiosity takes over him and he rushes back to the door, pressing his ear against it to listen in on his roommates’ secret conversation. “Listen Baek, I don’t think it’s anything to worry abou-” Chanyeol doesn’t get to finish.

Baekhyun’s panicky voice interrupts the coolness of Chanyeol’s. “You don’t get it! I saw him! He came back last night – probably to finish Sehun off! What are we going to do? We can’t let him hurt him!”

As far as Sehun is concerned, none of it is making any sense. But maybe it is and Sehun just doesn’t understand it. He runs through the facts of the conversation in his mind. Firstly, Baekhyun had seen someone… but where? In the apartment? It isn’t clear to him, but the idea of someone entering their apartment while was asleep sends shivers running down his spine. Secondly, Baekhyun thinks that whoever he’d seen had been there to “finish him off.” So Sehun concludes that someone he used to know (before the incident that resulted in his memory loss) has been and is still probably trying to kill him. But that sounds stupid even when he repeats it in his head as he’s trying to make sense of it. So now he deduces that the explanation must be much simpler than that.

He doesn’t have time to think of another one, however, because the bedroom door suddenly opens and he almost falls onto Junmyeon. He’s stunned and it takes him a moment or so to comprehend what’s happening, but as soon as he realises what he was doing he scrambles to his feet and apologises; he doesn’t mention that he was eavesdropping though. Junmyeon shrugs and tells him it wasn’t his fault. “I’m surprised you’re awake,” he states and Sehun nods.

“So am I,” he replies, walking back over to the bed.

Junmyeon stays lingering in the doorway. “Are you hungry? I could make you breakfast now if you want me to.” Sehun shakes his head and stays quiet. Junmyeon sounds – and looks – genuinely concerned and he can’t help feeling guilty about not remembering him. “Sehun, are you really alright?”

“I’m fine,” Sehun lies. Of course he’s not fine. Someone may or may not be trying to kill him. He just hopes it’s the latter.

***********************************************************************************

Luhan has to disappear. He doesn’t deserve to stay.

The train station is like a ghost town when he gets there with his rucksack attached to his back and his box full of memories tucked under his arm; the only other people are those working at the ticket stands. He buys tickets for the very next train due to arrive and is the only person to board it at that station. There are only a handful of other passengers. He doesn’t know where he’s headed and he doesn’t care.

Sehun doesn’t deserve to know him; neither does Yifan or anyone else. That’s why he has to leave. It’s better for everyone this way.

But he’s not sure whether he’s leaving the town or leaving the world. He can’t make up his mind yet.