“It’s funny isn’t it?”

The girl smiles bitterly, followed by a sarcastic laugh. How much she pities herself now.

“What’s funny?”

“Me.”

Not answering back, the boy stays quiet, listening to the long breath she takes, and the sound of her voice that trembles in the cold night. He holds her body closer.

Closer.

Hoping that he can feel her pain. Even just a tiny bit.

“You know… Even when I feel like right now, even when I wanted to scream my lungs out, even when I wanted to cry all the pain and the agitation away, all I did in the end is holding it all back. In the end, all that managed to escape my eyes are just two, three drops of tear and that’s it.”

Taking a long, heavy breath, she continues,

“It’s pitiful, isn’t it? How much I feel like but I cannot even cry for myself? I am pitiful.”

Brows forming into a deep frown, the boy answers, “Stop saying that.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop saying that you are pitiful. Stop saying like that. Because you’re not.”

“It’s easy for you to say, HanBin. But believe me; you know deep down there that I am right. Am I?”

She is, he thought.

Because he, too, pitied himself.

When he wanted to run away and leave all the responsibilities, all the troubles, all the stress he has; he cannot. When he wanted to cry, he cannot. He also cannot cry for himself, but let others cry for him instead.

“Then let’s be pitiful together.”

Her body stops trembling for a few seconds, but then it continues. “Share the pain with me, and I’ll also share mine with you.”

She lets out a bitter laugh once more. “Now you’re the one who is saying s. You know we cannot do that, no, I cannot do that.”

She wipes the tears rolling down her cheeks in one swift motion; afraid that the cold tears will drop to his hands. She doesn’t want him to know she has start crying again.

“You know, I hate you. I hate it because every time I look at you, it reminds me; that there is someone out there, having a harder time, having a lot more hardships in his life. There is someone out there who went through all the in life I cannot even imagine happened to me, yet I am here, sulking because of things in my life.”

Forming the words in her head, she continues,

“There is someone out there, with much, much more things he needs to think about yet he doesn’t complain a bit, yet here I am, thinking that my life is hard enough when truthfully; it’s not. It’s not even half of what you need to go through, HanBin. And I hate that truth. Because if you tell me you wanted to share your pain with me; you cannot. Because compared to all this I’m feeling right now, it can never be equal as the you’ve been through.”

His shirt is already wet with her tears; she doesn’t even care to hide it anymore. Let him know she is crying. It’s never been a problem to them anyway. He had seen her cry many times before.

“You know, you need to tell me the problem. You never tell me the reason of your cries.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know what to do with my life, HanBin. Up until now, I still don’t. I keep listening to what people around me says, what they told me to do; but I still don’t know what I wanted to do in life. I keep thinking; what is the use of me? What is… The purpose of my existence?”

That moment he feels her insecurities, her worries, all of her.

“I must have been born for something, right?”

She heaves a long sigh, “I just feel… useless.”

“Hey. I told you before, don’t I? Stop saying like that.”

“Then you tell me, what’s the use of me? What is it, Kim HanBin?”

His grip around her tightens, emptying the space between their bodies. His hot breath hits the top of her head as she buries her face on the crook of his neck.

“You know, I really envy you right now.”

Again, she laughs.

“I envy you; you always seem so sure of what you’re doing.”

This time, he laughs.

“Believe me, I don’t. You know that time when I went missing and just stayed in the park for a long time? That time I also forget my reasons, why I am even put in the situation in the first place. From all the people, why me? It’s not just you, Ae. I also feel like .”

They both put on a small smile on their faces, but if you pay attention more closely; HanBin’s is slightly bigger. He’s happy that she seems to feel better than a few minutes ago.

“Still, I envy you. You know what you wanted to do in life, HanBin-ah. You are not afraid to chase after it, you’re eager to be what you wanted to be. You do what you like, and you love what you do. It’s something I haven’t figured out yet.”

The girl continues,

“All my life, I have never, ever, seen someone with passion burning in their eyes like I’ve seen in yours. I’ve never met someone with that much eagerness, that much determination screaming from their souls like I’ve seen in yours. I envy you for that.”

The boy chuckles. He pats the girl’s head, mumbling,

“Well, you like to write. You say it relieves your stress, a way to express what you feel; another getaway.”

“You don’t get the point don’t you? I have no particular thing I am good at. Like you with composing. I have nothing like that. I feel use—”

“No. You are not useless. You made dinner for your mom and brother earlier. That is not useless. There must be something you are naturally good at, Ae. You just haven’t found it yet, like how I’ve found mine.”

From the way she keeps silence, HanBin knew his words have made its way to her mind. “You know. The more I think of it, I know one thing you are good at.”

“What?”

“Being my fan?”

Laughing, she playfully pushes his body off her until it reaches the end of her bed. “Ya! You want me to fall?” “Yeah. You never lose at anything so I think it’s good for you to feel how it is like to fall, even though it’s just out of bed.”

Getting his body back right next to her, he answers, “I have JunHoe to sass me all day about that, I don’t need another one.”

The cold getting is getting to her bones, but she can care less about that right now. She just needed him next to her, that’s all.

“So you don’t want to go to the university? You wanted to do something else?”

The girl sighs, “Then what am I supposed to do? You know I cannot do that, HanBin. I need to do this, even though I’m doing it because it is the normal thing for teenagers like me to do, even when I still don’t feel the thrill, the eagerness that I am supposed to feel when I am doing something I really like to do, I still have to do it.”

Turning her body so that she faces the ceiling, she continues, “We come from a different world, you and I. I am not like you. You knew what your element is, when I still need to find that. I need to search for it. In the meantime, I need to do what I do best; studying.”

She chuckles, “But now I feel like studying is not the one thing I do best anymore. I could’ve done better in the test. I could’ve—”

“Hey, it passed, isn’t it?”

“I know… Just. I need to get to university, HanBin. Get a degree and a stable job. I need an income. I need money. I have to feed them. I need to, I want to.”

Pulling her inside his embrace once more; she cries,

“I don’t want to let them down.”

HanBin sighs.

He knows how much she loves them. She tells him how her father said he prayed for her; when all the time she thought she’s the only one praying for him. How selfish of her, how rude. She doesn’t want that smile on her father’s face fades, she doesn’t want to throw away the hope her mother put on her even though she never mentions it, she wants her little brother to look at her as a figure he could brag about to his friends. He knows how much she wanted to make them proud of having her.

“At times when I wonder, why I am still here, alive, doing all the things I’ve been doing my whole life; I look at my mom, my dad, my brother. That time I thought, the reason of my existence is for them. The purpose of me living is for them. For me to serve my life for my family, and for others who needed me. I know I cannot do big things, I’ll just do small things with big love.”

She smiles as her cries stops,

“You know what I love from helping people? I love to watch their smiles. I love the way their eyes would twinkle with gratefulness, how it turns to crescents as they mumble a small thank you. Even a small thank you can make me fell… wanted. Like I am useful for somebody, even though what I did don’t seem important at all, I feel great.”

Watching the happy expression she put on her face, HanBin smiles. “You know, Kim HanBin? I don’t like you because of those piercing stares, those charismatic eyes, the gestures, the rap-lines, the intimidating aura; none of that.”

She turns to her right, looking at the boy laying beside her straight in the eyes.

“It’s because I love your smile. I love how it makes you look like you forget who you are at the moment, forget all your troubles and worries, and just smile. I like it because it makes me feel closer to you; as Kim HanBin, not B.I.”

He tries to hide it, but the crimson in his cheek is still evident to her eyes.

He coughs awkwardly as she laughs, watching his perplexed gestures.

“You really look ugly when you cry. Look at those puffy eyes. Your double eyelids are gone.” He says, wiping the remaining traces of tears from her cheeks. “Aigoo~ Where is the nappeun gizibe I knew? You look so fragile right now; making me afraid of breaking you apart.”

Smiling, even though it looks awkward with her puffy eyes, EunAe mumbles,

“Thanks, HanBin.”

“Huh?”

“Thank you for listening to my s every night. Thank you for not getting bored of it.”

“Who says I’m not getting bored of it?”

“Ya!”

“I’m kidding okay? Geez.” He scoffs, turning his body so now his back faces her.

“You know, I wish the time would stop right now.” HanBin’s body stiffen when he feels her hot breath on the back of his neck, her arms made its way around his body, pulling him closer to her.

“Because once I open my eyes, you’ll be gone.”

“Of course I’ll be gone when you wake up. You think a dream will last forever? I’ll be gone as the sun rises.”

EunAe pouts, “You’re supposed to say stuffs like ‘I’ll forever be by your side’ or ‘I’ll always be in your heart’ or something like that!” HanBin chuckles, “I thought you hated stuffs like that. Even though it hurts, you prefer the cold truth a hundred times better than sweet nothings.”

She smiles, “Still, I hope you’ll be there; in dreams, in reality.”

HanBin flicks her forehead, right in between her brows. “Ya! What was that for?” She yells.

“For being so stupid.”

“Stupid?”

“Uh-huh.” He nods his head vigorously. “You need to succeed, no, I know you will. So when the time comes, all you have to do is fly to South Korea, and meet me there. You know where YG is right?”

She smiles at his words.

Yeah, she thought.

I’ll definitely succeed, in whatever I do, wherever I’m being put at, I’ll do my best. So I can go to you, Kim HanBin.

“Why aren’t you answering?”

“Huh?”

“You’ll succeed, right? Then fly to me.”

She nods her head. “I will.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

He puts up that wide smile that she loves so much, his body begins to disappear as the sun rises, replaced by the cold air once again.

“I’ll be waiting, EunAe-ya.”

His last words still lingers in her ears, making a smile appear on her face as she opens her eyes.

“Someday, Kim HanBin. Someday.”

Author's Note:

Hey, guys!

So... Uh... I was feeling ty yesterday and I don't know why, I cried. Like really cried. If you guys read 'You and Me, Against the World' well, EunAe's character is quite similar to myself; the type that doesn't cry that much and even though she cried, she doesn't show it to people and will try to make it stop as soon as possible.

Because, yeah, I hate crying. I hate the feeling of not being able to be the YOLO, carefree person I am, an instead, just sulk and cry.

But like they say, sometimes the person who laughs the most is actually the one carrying thorns inside their hearts, and they cry because actually, they have been strong for so long.

Sooo... Yeah. Instead of sleeping, I write this thing and suddenly it was already 4 A.M. Kkk. It really is based on life actions, and my pure thoughts and emotion that time.

You know the weird thing about me? When I cry, an idea of writing this piece came up. Like... How would it be to have someone that really understands you, knows even the deepest of your thought, understands your every words, every actions without needing to be told the reason why?

So I created HanBin's character that way here. Because me, too, wanted someone like that.

Aigoo~ Must have been single for too long, aren't I?

Well, I am going to jam to CL's Dr. Pepper and Big Bang's BANG BANG BANG. Have you guys heard it? The song is totally dope. Like totally.

After feeling ty and all, I watched the boys' past videos and then smiled by myself in the middle of the night. I must be totally crazy. Kkk. #SLAP