Seunghyun grasps the cup in his hands tighter as he hears Jiyong throwing up from the bathroom. They’ve been warned about morning sickness and how worse it could be, he thought he was ready as he prepared some precautions but as soon as Jiyong experienced his first morning sickness, Seunghyun’s confidence dropped and everything he prepared flew out the window just like that. They were told that there is nothing to worry about, that it’s perfectly normal but Seunghyun still can’t help feeling guilty because there is nothing he can do aside from waiting until his husband is done throwing up everything he has for breakfast. Besides, Jiyong locks himself in the bathroom for he doesn’t want Seunghyun to see him in that kind of state.

Sighing heavily to himself, Seunghyun gets up from his seat and pours the remaining coffee in his cup to the sink. He doesn’t feel like drinking anymore. He immerses himself in washing the remaining dishes that he doesn’t hear the sound of the door opening and closing, faint footsteps walking towards him and those ragged breathing from exhaustion. A pair of weak arms wrap around Seunghyun causing him to stop what he is doing and hurriedly dry his hands before he turns around and holds his Jiyongie to his chest.

Jiyong is smiling brightly, his eyes are sparkling despite his frail hold around Seunghyun. Some of his wet hair are sticking on his forehead that Seunghyun immediately clears just so he can place soft kisses on it. Seunghyun’s nose is welcomed by the scent of mixed berries, indicating his younger husband has already taken a shower. He rubs his nose on Jiyong’s cheeks, earning soft giggles from the latter.

“Tickles” Jiyong mumbles as he pulls back a little to blink up at Seunghyun. “I’m sorry the breakfast you prepared didn’t last long in my system. It seems like our baby doesn’t like your cooking.” Jiyong is pouting, his eyebrows are furrowed creating some creases on his forehead that Seunghyun eases with his fingers oh so delicately.

“It’s okay. He will learn to love my cooking” Seunghyun pauses “somehow”.

“Wait- he? Do you really want a son?” Jiyong manages to get away from Seunghyun’s hug and makes his way to the fridge to pour himself a glass of water.

Seunghyun is too surprised to even take what he has just said. He honestly doesn’t mind whether it’s a boy or a girl, he knows the baby will be perfect just the way they are.

Seunghyun steps closer towards Jiyong to explain himself but Jiyong shakes his head and smiles at him. “A son would be good, but think if we have a daughter, I’d get to dress her up and you’d get to be so overly protective.”

“Oh, definitely. I’d be so overly protective because I don’t want anyone hurting my princess.” Seunghyun carefully takes Jiyong’s now free hands in his, leading him towards their bedroom.

“Aw, Hyunnie bear.”

Once Jiyong is all comfy in their bed, with fluffy and soft pillows around him to keep him warm and company while Seunghyun is gone for the day, he pulls his shirt up, which is actually Seunghyun’s but claims as his since it’s no longer too big for him. Any top that touches his small baby bump no matter how the collars fall off his shoulders, is considered his. Seunghyun can’t argue. Jiyong is too cute and very hard to resist when he pouts and make childish expressions.

Seeing Jiyong’s baby bump, Seunghyun begins to feel a little uneasy again. He takes a deep breath and shakes off his unwanted feelings as he reaches for the bottle of bio-oil on top of their nightstand drawer. He sits next to Jiyong, not quite close in case he starts feeling uneasy again. He doesn’t want Jiyong to notice.

Jiyong looks so at ease, his eyes are closed and lips are curled upwards forming a small smile. Seunghyun forces himself to feel the same. He pours a right amount of oil onto his palm and begins gently massaging the oil into Jiyong’s abdomen in a circular motion using his fingertips.

Seunghyun’s fingers are so warm and so delicate, Jiyong feels like he is made of glass by the way Seunghyun caresses him. It’s always been the same since the first time Seunghyun touched him.

“It feels so nice.” Jiyong hums. He slightly shifts in his position as he suddenly feels discomfort in him. Seunghyun doesn’t notice this and continues with his task until Jiyong winces and sits up. He looks wide eyed at Seunghyun before he rushes to the bathroom again and locks it from the inside.

Seunghyun is left frozen. His eyes are glued to his hand that was massaging Jiyong seconds ago. Did he do something wrong again? He wants to close his eyes and cover his ears as soon as he hears Jiyong groaning and making retching sounds. He remembers the first time he sees Jiyong vomit, he was heaving and almost hugging the toilet bowl. Jiyong looked so frail and helpless. Seunghyun broke down back then and now he is breaking again, slowly. More painfully.

Seunghyun doesn’t realize he begins shaking, the louder Jiyong is from the bathroom, the heavier Seunghyun feels inside. His eyes begin to sting, he keeps his gaze on his hand. A lot of things are running through his head and they all point to him being the reason why Jiyong is sick, why Jiyong is suffering like this, why Jiyong is in pain. And there is nothing he can do about it.

“Oh my god Hyunnie!” Seunghyun hears Jiyong shriek. He isn’t quite sure if it is the same voice he hears in his head whenever he worries about Jiyong or if Jiyong is really calling him out. The next thing he knows is he has Jiyong’s hands cupping his cheeks, the sparkly eyes are now replaced with worry filled eyes. Being a good actor that he is, Seunghyun manages to blink away the tears that were about to escape his eyes and masks his emotion with a surprised look, but Jiyong knows Seunghyun so well.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Jiyong asks as he caresses the Seunghyun’s cheekbones.

“Nothing.” Seunghyun simply answers but his hand is still shaking.

“Choi Seunghyun, we’ve been together for almost 10 years now and I know when you’re lying or not. Something is bothering you and I demand to know.” Jiyong doesn’t mean to raise his voice but he is worried, Seunghyun doesn’t normally shake and fight off tears for nothing.

Seunghyun stares at Jiyong for a long time. Jiyong’s raised voice startled him that his shaking stops. His expression morphs from surprised to hesitant and Jiyong gets more curious. Seunghyun looks away, but Jiyong is not giving up so easily.

“Shh.” Jiyong shifts so he is straddling Seunghyun. He coaxes the older to look at him which Seunghyun easily obliges. “Tell me what’s wrong, please.” Jiyong looks into Seunghyun’s eyes pleadingly.

Seunghyun finds it hard to ignore so he merely closes his eyes for one second and breathes out slowly. He opens his eyes and tentatively wraps his arms around Jiyong’s middle.

“You’re going through this-“ Seunghyun chokes, his voice is shaking. “morning sickness because of me. I caused you this and I can’t do anything but be outside the bathroom door and wait until you’re okay.”  

Seunghyun is breathing heavily, he is fighting back his tears. He can’t appear weak in front of the man whom he promised to take care for the rest of his life. He wants to stay as strong as much as he can but it’s so impossible when Jiyong’s sake is on the line.  Seunghyun feels he has failed as a husband, for not being able to withstand this, and for not keeping Jiyong away from the pain.

Jiyong however keeps on shaking his head and murmuring “it’s okay” against Seunghyun’s face. His thumbs are no longer Seunghyun’s cheeks, his eyes are no longer seeking for answers, they are filled with sadness. Sadness at the fact that he has been so clueless of what Seunghyun is going through. He moves closer until he is invading all of Seunghyun’s senses because he wants to reassure his older husband that he is not going anywhere, that everything will be just fine.

“Hyunnie..” Jiyong softly whispers. His voice is so calming that Seunghyun feels a little bit calmer. “You don’t have to be hard on yourself. This, this is normal. I don’t mind going through morning sickness everyday because in the end I know it’s going to be so worth it.” Jiyong pulls back a bit to stare down at Seunghyun. His lips curled, smiling tenderly. “You didn’t do anything wrong, in fact, you gave me such a wonderful gift. A gift that no thing or no one can ever replace.” He takes Seunghyun’s hand and guides it to his tummy. “This is our child, Seunghyun. Our child.”

Seunghyun finds himself slowly relaxing from Jiyong’s words. He takes another deep breath as he feels Jiyong’s bump against his palm. He used to wonder how it is so easy for Jiyong take things, from the changes in his body to the sacrifices he has to make due to his pregnancy but now that he can feel the life forming inside Jiyong’s tummy against his warm palm, he finally understands.

*

The next morning Seunghyun wakes up with an empty spot next to him and muffled retching sounds coming from the bathroom. He stares up at the ceiling and recalls Jiyong’s words from the day before. He really doesn’t have to blame himself for anything, but the guilt is so hard to erase from his mind.

Seunghyun begins to unconsciously his palm, he can still feel that connection when he touched Jiyong’s tummy and somehow he finds himself slowly shrugging off the negative vibes that he has.

Seunghyun hurriedly gets on his feet and made his way to the kitchen, he rinses his mouth thoroughly before he pours a glass of water for Jiyong. Seconds later he is outside the bathroom door, not feeling restless anymore but something else that he has yet to discover, but he feels lighter, happier.

Jiyong drags his tired self out of the bathroom and is surprised to see his husband smiling at him with a glass of water in hand. “Hey, did I wake you up?” He asks as he takes the glass and immediately gulps the water down.

“It’s okay. What do you think our baby wants for breakfast today?”

Jiyong looks at Seunghyun with a wry smile, and if only he had the enough energy, he would throw himself at Seunghyun and hug him as tight as he can.

It’s as if Seunghyun has heard his thoughts, the older man embraces Jiyong for a long minute before he steps back and cups Jiyong’s cheeks that have turned a light pink of shade. “If you’re planning on kissing me, don’t. My breath stinks.” Jiyong warns, but deep inside he was pleading for Seunghyun to kiss him.

“I don’t mind” Seunghyun whispers “besides, I just rinsed my mouth. I’m sure my breath stinks too.”

Seunghyun doesn’t waste any more second and kisses Jiyong, slowly and lovingly.  He doesn’t care of the aftertaste in Jiyong’s mouth, because nothing else matters but Jiyong and the little life forming inside his Jiyongie.