“What’s with that face?”

“Nothing.”

“Oi.”

“Hmm?”

“I’m not going anywhere if that’s what worried you. Now shut up and kiss me.”

Sehun closes his eyes and let the sound of waves lulls him. Summer is truly the best season, he thinks as he basks in the environment; all clear skies and warm sunlight.

Today’s second of May and Oh Sehun is 40 years old.

He doesn't know when he started loving beaches. He had always been big city kind of guy and he liked being in the crowd. He felt safe and protected. But that was before him.

Before him.

Remembering him is still the most emotionally draining thing, even after these last eighteen years. Sehun can’t forget the late phone call, can’t forget the sound of him crying, can’t forget the ‘I’m sorry’s and ‘I love you, I truly do’s.

But he also can’t forget the feeling of betrayal of that day, cant’t forget the self-hatred that had came to punch him in the gut for even feeling betrayed, can’t forget how it had happened just days after his birthday, can’t forget how he thought it’d be better than watching him withered away in front of his eyes.

When he said they’d meet again under different circumstances, Sehun kept quiet. He had stared blankly at his bleeding knuckles and mulled over at how strange it was that he still couldn't feel anything. 

“Bye.” he said before cutting the line, not even responding to his ‘Hun, please’.

Bye.

Sehun opens his eyes and gets up to walk into the direction of his small cottage house.

The cottage house is a summarize of what he once was.

He bought it with his own money. It was designed by Minseok-hyung who had decided, after the disbandment ten years ago, to follow his long-time dream to be an architect and being a college student at the admirable age of 34. The deal was done by Joonmyeon-hyung and Jongin had accompanied him buying all the things he had needed for decorations.

Jongdae-hyung also got married here.

His ringing phone welcomes him as he stepped inside and after a glance, Sehun picks it up.

“Yes?”

“I tried to call you five times, Sehun. Bring your phone with you when you go out to sit by the beach.” Joonmyeon hyung’s voice greets him.

“I should have turned my phone off, is more likely.”

“Yah.”

Sehun chuckles. “What is it?”

“Do you want me to pick you up for Yeri’s wedding tomorrow?”

Sehun touches the hem of his t-shirt. “No. I’ll go there by myself.”

“You sure?”

“I am.”

There’s  a long sigh from the end of the line.

“I don’t understand, Sehun. Being near with the beach somehow always turns you into someone different. Why stay there during summer if you’ll just end up being melancholic?”

“I like it here.”

And hearing the rush of the waves has always managed to convince me that we’re still connected; wherever he is and with whomever he is now.

“Okay. I get it. Do you really want to go, though? I mean, you know they’ll only ask you when you will get married and such.”

“And I’ll give them my usual answer.”

Joonmyeon snorts. “That you don’t have any plan to tie the knot, ever.”

They both left the ‘not if it isn't him’ unsaid.

Joonmyeon ends the conversation a minute after and by that time, Sehun feels already tired mentally and physically. He doesn't know if being here was a good idea but he had stopped caring about anything since decades ago.

He doesn't care enough to let people other than his former band mates reach out to him. He doesn't care that the public has started to questioning his bachelor status and criticised him for his cold and apathetic demeanor. He doesn't care that he practically is a hermit during summer.

And suddenly the room suffocates him. His birthday never fails to ruin him.

With hurried steps, Sehun walks out of the small building and clutches his chest when he finally feels the breeze caressing his neck. His breath comes out raggedly and he treads the sandy grounds with whatever power left in him.

As the salty water touches his feet, Sehun lets himself cry.

He doesn't quite remember how long he has stood there, pouring his hearts out and letting tears worth years of silent suffering cascade down his cheeks. He just knows that he feels helplessly exhausted.

“You’re still very handsome, Hun.”

Sehun stills. He isn't supposed to hear that voice.

He isn't supposed to know whose the voice belongs to.

With careful gesture Sehun turns around and sees a pair of eyes he missed so much looking at him, b with tears.