The day that I’ve been waiting finally comes. Its the day when I’m finally graduated from college. I’m excited to think that after graduating I’d be a free soul, get a proper job, enjoy a good life and maybe find my soulmate somewhere. How I wish that those things are the reasons behind my waiting… No, there’s an actual reason why I desperately want to skip days so this most waited day would come faster. The thought of me able to get out of this hell…

I find myself standing on the rooftop of our college building. No, I’m not going to free fall. I just need some fresh air, to help me cleanse my brain especially from that damn memory…

**

“Guys, look who’s coming…!”

Bunch of guys stand at the school’s gate welcoming a lone guy who’s busy fixing his glasses with such sly smirks on their faces.

“Oi, nerd! why are you in rush?” The tallest guy among them takes a step forward to their target. He pulls his backpack, causing the said ‘nerd’ guy loses his balance and almost fall on the ground.

They drag him to the some corner, near an empty hallway. All of them are laughing seeing the ‘nerd’ guy running back and forth, to the left and right. The bunch of guys that’s known as the number one gang in their school like to intimidate the weak ones. They’re playing throw and catch with his backpack and the poor guy is trying to get it back. A reflection of anger is clearly seen in the guy’s eyes, he feels like going to explode. However, instead of shouting, he will only be stutter. Instead of fighting, he will only be accept the game.

“Hey stop playing!” A handsome guy in black hoodie approaching the scene. Without any struggle, he cacthes the flying bag. He glares at each of them and lastly at the intimidated guy. He throws the bag to him before saying “You shouldn’t let people touch your bag.”

“Dude, what’s wrong with you? are you siding on him right now?” a guy with parted hair is curious with his friend who suddenly acts like a hero. The ‘nerd’ guy is about to get his out of the scene but after that question’s spilled in the air, he locks his feet back to the ground as he also wants to know too why such a gorgeous guy is helping him.

“Oh, come on. I’m just fed up seeing you guys play with the same nerd everyday. Aren’t you bored?” The hoodie guy slips his hands inside his pockets while chewing a bublegum. That act alone gives a kind of undescribable aura that’s causing someone’s heart flutters uncontrollably.

“Ey, you’re no fun. Don’t tell me you’re interested in him?” the skinniest guy in the group points his fingers to the poor guy whose uniform is already crumpled with a disgusted look, earning a smack on his head from the hoodie guy.

“Don’t kid with me. Lets go!” he put the hood on his head and walks away  passing the ‘nerd’ guy, followed by the gang. It seems like he's respected a lot by everyone, that's why no one protest on him Apparently, he is the leader of them minions.

**

Why did he does that? WHY?

Still clear in my memory how I’m left in the hallway, securing bag in my arms. Unfortunatelly, my heart can’t be secured. Still on the spot after he and his gang left. I’m standing blankly. Trying to understand my heart that suddenly held a race inside. Trying to understand my nose that clucthes on his smell. Trying to understand my eyes that’s unable to erase his face from my sight. Trying to understand my mind that can’t stop thinking of him.

He doesn’t know what he actually catches by catching my bag. He doesn’t know the arrows he shot on me when he shot his get-the--out-of-my-sight gaze on me.

Gahhh… Its been 3 years now. 3 years after realizing that I fell for him. 3 years of torture because I fell for him. 3 years of trying to deface the fact I fell for him. 3 fuc.king years I’m living in hell keeping that damn thing so called LOVE secret without able to savour it and eventually it turns into pain. I thought that damn secret between me and God will be safe forever, or at least until the day we graduating. But just like the story in drama, there’s always thing that ruins everything… as for me, that damn thing happened exactly a week ago.

**

 “Oi nerd. We’re hungry. Give us some money!”  the same gang approaches the same ‘nerd’ guy who’s on his way to the library.

“I-I-I’m sorry…bu-but I have no money.” His voice is shaking as he’s afraid.  

“Really? dude, go check it.” the tallest one gives a command to his minion friend to grab the backpack.

Doesn’t want the scene of 3 years ago happens again, the owner of the bag tries to fight and holds his bag tight. He’s reminded of that voice who told him to not letting anyone touch his bag. And as expected, he gets kicks and punches but his attempt to secure his bag doesn’t waver. He hugs his backpack as if his life depends on it.

However, its useless since he’s lost of number. The bullies get his backpack and start to rummage it thoroughly. All stuffs in the bag were scaterred on all over the floor. He wants to cry, not because of they might find a piece of money in one of its pocket but because there’s his biggest secret hidden in it. He crawls in between their feet to find his sketchbook, the key of his secret.

He let out a sigh of relief when he sees the thing he wants to save lays in the corner, still closed and safe. He thinks that goddess of fortune is in his side, but he immediately takes that thought back when he watches a hand reaches for the sketchbook before him…

“What is it guys?” That’s the same hoodie guy who helps him that day. The said guy holds up the sketchbook while asking his minions. It’s the 3 years ago scene all over again. The difference is, this time the gang’s leader doesn’t throw back the thing on the ownner’s hands immediately. He gives himself a time to take a look on it.

Shocked and scared. The helpless nerd had sent a prayer to God to send him an angel of death in that second. He closes his eyes as tears begin to flood.

“What is it?” After reaching the last page of the sketchbook, the charismatic gang’s leader asks again.

“We’re just teasing him…” one of his minion gives an answers.

“I’m not asking you. I’m asking him.” He titls his head to the guy who’s nearly crying while showing the sketchbook to him. “What the fu.ck is this?” his voice doesn’t sound angry but intimidating indeed.

“I-I-I…uhm…th-tha-that…” He opens his teary eyes only to find all eyes are on him. He tries to speak but no words dare to escape his throat.

“Do you perhaps have a crush on me?” Not minding the surrounding or the fearful guy’s feeling. The guy in hoodie, this time its color is gray, bluntly asking doesn’t seem surprised at all. Even though he doesn’t get any words as an answer for his question, he can tell the situation from a faint nod of guy who looks indeed helpless at the moment.

“HAHAHA. dude, I don’t know what your name is and who you are and I don’t care. But listen, I don’t have time nor will to give any damn for this ridiculous thing or even you. And well. Since I’m pretty busy, you burn this trash off!!!” With that, he throws the sketchbook harsly back to the owner before gesturing his minions to leave.

**

            How could he did that? HOW?

I still can picture myself who’s still on the knees even after his shadow’s gone. Dumbfounded and obviously badly broken. Trying to count how many pieces of my heart that’s lying helplessly on the floor. Trying to suppress screams that wrestle in my throat fighting to escape. Trying to stop salty liquid that huddles in my eyes wanting to flow down.

He doesn’t know what he had done to me by only throwing back my sketchbook. He doesn’t know the blades that he stabs on me the time he pierces his get-the--out-of-my-sight gaze on me.

Why did I must fall in love with HIM? HIM out of all people in the world or at least in our school? HIM when there’s hundreds of ‘she’s around me?

            Those questions filling up my brain again…

            Those questions driving me crazy bit by bit…

            I can’t give myself an answer…

            I don’t understand… maybe, I won’t…

Now, I can’t even regret. Even if the love that’s hitting on me isn’t the love that I can be in love with. I can’t even complain, even when that damn love owns the most part in my heart. These things make me really angry.

“AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” I shout out loud, leaving no air in my lung. I want the world feels my anger. I want God to hear my cry.

I just hope, if this feeling isn’t belong to be mine… I can let it go somehow. Because starting tomorrow, I’ll be facing a new world. A world where I might have to deal with another pain because no chance to meet or even see him. Or a world where I might find happiness… I’m not sure with the last one, but who knows?  

“Oi nerd, you’re so noisy. what are you doing?” Surprised. I quickly spins my body around only to find him walking towards me. Yes, Its HIM. I felt relieved after noticing that he’s alone not followed by his minions.

Usually, I’d smile whenever I see him but not this time. I’m still extremely pissed because of him, my feeling for him, and people who treat me like a trash because of my feeling for him. Even though I can’t deny that there’s part of me that can’t be controlled, a part of me that can’t ever get angry to him. I sense my heart starts doing a percussion concert inside and my eyes can’t go on his so I need to avert them to everywhere but him. Damn, I hate the effects of him on me.

“I-I’m just… getting some fresh air. E-excuse me…” I pick my bag, get ready to leave the place.

“Did you already get rid of that thing?” He walks passing me but I know he wants me to answer him so I hold my attempt to leave.

“I’m sorry…” I can only say that while peeping on him through my shoulder and he turns to face me with quirked eyebrows.  

“What that does mean?”

“I-I can’t get rid of that… I me-mean my sketchbook…” Fu.ck I stutter again and still can’t look back at him. Maybe I’m afraid of the possibility getting beaten after saying that or maybe the possibility of falling for him even more.

“Ah, you still want to keep that obsolete trash?” I’m about to drag my feet when he mentions that word ‘trash’ and I don’t know why it got me angry again. This time, I’m directing my eyes only on him. I see him resting his back on the fence, with smirk and dare look at me.

“That sketchbook is special for me.” I’m amazed of my own voice, it sounds clear and sends out a what-the-hell-are-you-saying vibe. Maybe because he makes me mad and I don’t care anymore about what will happen. I don’t even know where the nervousness that’s been lingering on me goes. I’m just tired. I’m tired of being treated like a trash and speaking of trash… I want to let him know what ‘trash’ he just talked about.

“Special? did you buy it from another planet or what?” he chuckles, mocking me.

“No. Its you that makes it special.” I utter as a matter of fact.

“Me? HAHAHA dude, you surely have serious problems here.” he laughs at me, whole heartedly. Well, I suppose to be angry but the voice of his laugh tickles my stomach and I can feel my internal organs dancing wildly. Another sight of his big eyes closed cutely and his shining teeth shown whenever he’s laughing is enough to drive me crazy and I see myself smiling, damn it.

“Yes, I’m fully aware of it. And all my problems are caused by you.”

I wonder why he stops laughing and now facing me with surprised expression. I thought he knows already that fact though. I take off my glasses as I walk closer to him. I’m stupid to think that I can’t live without that fugly glasses because right now I still can see him clearly with my own pair of eyes. His gold-brown hair, his big-doe eyes, his perfect nose, his thin lips, his flawless skin, his sharp jaw, everything.

I don’t have any idea of what got into me. I only guess that God finally helps me waking up the beast that’s been sleeping this whole time. I don’t feel like one of those cowards hiding in their shell anymore. And most importantly, I don’t find the guy in front of me as intimidating as before. I’m not seeing him as a leader of bunch minions who called themselves gangsters anymore. I’m seeing him as a human, another guy, person that I love.

“Wait, you do aware of what you’re saying? you do know who am I right?” He glares at me dangerously. Maybe, he thinks that it’ll scare me eh?

“Of course.” I nod. “I know, because this is the thing that I want to talk about since 3 years ago. It would be stupid if I say I don’t know who you are, when you’re the only one who keeps my mind restless.”

I reach my stop, right in front of him. He smirks at me awkwardly before directing his eyes to the sky.

“Are you flirting with me nerd?” he asks without looking at me.

I take a place beside him and follow his gaze. “I’m Song Minho.”

“I don’t ask nor want to know.”

“But from now on, I want you to know. I want you to notice me Kim Jinwoo.”

“So…you do know my name huh?”

“Surely yes. I’ve tried to erase it from my life’s note though. Unfortunatelly, it keeps making its way to the front page.”

“You’re good with words. That’s quite surprising.”

“I’m not trying, I’m just being honest.”

“Speaking of honesty, I should say that you’re not bad. Especially without those glasses.”

“Thank you for the compliment. Actually, I’m already expecting for the worse. Like you beat me up right here right now and let your gang finish me.”

“Are you afraid of me?”

“I was but I’m not anymore.”

“You sure? oh well, I don’t care of that. The matter right now is you start irritating me. I told you to get rid that trash of yours, why don’t you just do what you’re told?” He breaks his gaze from the sky and is now facing me. He does look pissed but I notice the glare in his eyes softens.

“Because its my precious…” I give him my sweetest smile.

“The fu.ck Song Minho? that sketchbook of yours only have my damn face in every page! And-”

“That’s it…that’s the reason why that sketchbook is very important for me. Because only through that thing you called ‘trash’ I can feel close to you, somehow I even feel like I can touch you. Its like my tiny world where I have you.” I cut his words as I finally able to pierce a deep gaze right on his beautiful dark brown orbs. He doesn’t say anything so I continue to confess with all sincerity in my heart. “I like you, no, I’m falling in love with you. Remember the first time we met? that time you catch my bag for me, you don’t have any idea that at that very time you did catch my falling heart. Cupid’s arrow is planted on me right when your eyes averted at mine, even with such annoyed look. I know that ITS LOVE. It stays and grows, bigger and stronger day by day. Its torturing me in every breath I take. I thought I might die because of it. Everyday I wake up feeling scared because eventually there’s no room left for anything else in my heart, only you. These past three years, I’m satisfied by seeing you from afar, admiring you from behind, loving you from distance. But now, you know it all already, there’s no point of hiding anymore. I love you Kim Jinwoo.”

After confessing, I wait for him to respond. At least a faint smile will be enough for me or even a slap on my face. Nothing, he just stays quiet beside of me, perhaps doesn’t know what to do or say. However I see that, I don’t know how to describe it but there’s spark in his eyes. Its like he’s been waiting for this moment to happen. I’m not sure about it but when I hear him saying…

“Song Minho, kiss me.”

I feel like I’m struck by a wild thunder. No way. It can’t be him saying that, it must be devil using his voice to test me. No way. Its only my imagination. Yes, it must be that. Damn! I’m about to curse angel that let me dream when I’m awake when I feel his breath right on my nose.

I count every second, holding my own breath. Afraid that the air escapes my nose would blow him away. 1,2,3…

I’m nearly going to collapse when his soft lips finally land on my dry lips. Its fuc.king real. I want to shout out loud again, this time because of happiness. I want the world feels my joy. I want God to hear my thankfulness. But, No, I can do it later…Of course, at least after tasting his lips that I’ve been dreaming since ages.

“What is that?” He breaks the kiss that I start to enjoy. I don’t know how long was it last but I’m kind of breathless. Guess, I’m lost in the moment and I don’t care.

“What?” I ask midlessly, I’m still lost. My sight is still locked on his parted lips. I really want to grab the back of his neck and lock those lips onto mine again even though I know he’s still trying to catch some air.

“That’s strange…” He speaks up not looking at me, as if he’s talking to himself. He turns around and walks away to the other side of rooftop with hands on his chest.

“Kim Jinwoo, what’s wrong?” I run after him, feeling worried and guilty. But, he’s the one who ask for and initiate the kiss. This guy just doesn’t know how much I’m dreaming for it so of course I’m kissing back with no mercy. I’m not at fault in here, am I?

“Song Minho, did you ever feel thousands of butterfly playing in your stomach?” He suddenly stops and his tremble eyes meet with mine. It’s the first time I get to study his face up close, and that look on his face…makes me want to pull him in my arms and keep him there forever.

“Y-yeah, I did…whenever I see you, even right now. I feel like I’m going to puke rainbow. I feel like my heart is going to explode because beating too fast.”

“Ah, is that what makes you think that you fall for me?”

“What? No… I don’t think that I fall for you, but I realize that I fall for you. You know, that kind of reaction in our body is like a way of God telling us that love is coming.”

“Is that so? is God trying to tell me right now?” He looks at me confusedly.

“What do you mean Kim Jinwoo?”

“Song Minho, what if that feeling comes to me?”

“Then let it in...”

“What if I say that I think I fall for you?”

“Then give me some time… to make you realize that you’re indeed falling for me.”

And for the first time in my lifetime, I see him smiling sweetly. And not to mention the fact that that glorious smile is directed to me. I feel like the whole world stops and have their attention only at him and me. I make my way closer to him, reach for his hands, kiss them lovingly and bring his petite frame into my embrace. Why I just realized it? that his whole being perfectly fits with mine, its like he’s made only for me. The way he lingers his arms around my waist makes me smile ear to ear. I can see my soul makes a short journey to the cloud nine.  

“Kim Jinwoo. I’ll make you fall for me, love me and stay with me forever. I might be a nerd and you’re a gangster, but in our world I’ll make sure that I’m the king and you’re my ruler."

Kkeut….^,^