*I RECOMMEND LISTENING TO THE SONG ON REPLAY WHILE READING*

Loving can hurt. Loving can hurt sometimes.

5PM. Near sunset. Wanting to go out, I grabbed my shoes and coat. I let my feet lead me to anywhere. And surprisingly, they had dragged me all the way to this location. I let out a small chuckle as I look around. Seoul Grand Park. With all those busy people walking around and street lights everywhere.

I sighed and let my feet drag me again to the gate. I stood in front of the entrance and my eyes squinted, memories flooding back, making my heart ache.

But it's the only thing that I know.

+++

July 18, 2007. Seoul Grand Park.

White shirt. Red polo. Black Pants. Sneakers. Beanie. A smile.

It was all I could see from you. And it was all I needed.

We were sitting at the opposite sides of a 4-seater bench. I could still we were stealing glances from each other. An awkward smile shown when the other is caught. Until you had the courage to take a seat closer to me.

“Hi.”

“Hello”

I swear it was the most awkward thing ever. Then silence took place and we suddenly laughed, letting comfort take place.

“I’m Lee Donghae. 21.” You said with the most heart-warming smile anyone has ever given me. You offered your hand and I took it.

“Lee Hyukjae. 22.”

30 minutes in and we knew each other. I knew your birthday, your relatives, your hobbies, likes, dislikes and you knew mine.

Unfortunately, the sun was fully set and you said you had to go home. I felt crestfallen. You bid your goodbye.

“It was nice meeting you, Hyukjae-ssi.”

Your back faced me. You were walking away. My heart ordered me to follow you. So I ran and caught your wrist, making you turn around. I saw your eyes sparkle the moment you saw me behind you. I let you go of my hold. Without hesitation, I asked you.

“Do you want to hang out sometimes?”

And I kept the happiness I felt inside my heart all the way home when you said you would love to.

+++

I walked towards the playground. It was empty. No children playing. It was just elderlies sitting on the bench across it, park keepers, and me. I took a seat on the swing, loving the cool wind blowing while I’m simply rocking myself slowly back and forth.

Remembering that day, I felt soft, vulnerable. Like every memory of us will break me any moment. Stupid feet, why do you have to bring me here, anyway?

More memories are flashing back, making me feel all weak. I smiled, remembering the first time he had cried in front of my eyes.

And when it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes.
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive.

+++

You and I have been together for 6 months now. And every time I’m with you, I feel magic. I feel butterflies when I see you smile. My heart never stops thumping when you’re around.

You make me feel right.

Our usual routines would be staying at you place or my place, going out for movies, amusement parks and pretty much everything that we could do around Seoul. But our favorite place was just sitting on the bench where we met, talking about everything and anything.

I called you to meet him today. It was a day off from my work as a choreographer and I wanted to be with you. But after a few rings, you did not answer. I tried calling again. Still not picking up. Thinking that you might be busy, I just left a message telling you to meet me at the bench.

So I waited. I waited 2 hours before you had finally arrived. A smile grew on my face as I saw you coming closer. But the closer you get, I could see your gloomy face clearer. The smile I had instantly disappeared and worry took over. I went closer to you.

“What’s wrong?”

I asked. No answer. You just sniffed and let out a shaking sigh. I tried coming closer to you but I stopped when your sudden words shocked me.

“I think we should stop meeting each other, Hyukjae.”

I was trembling. I didn’t know what to do.

“Why? Was it something I did?” I asked.

You ignored my question and sniffed once again. I felt a sting in my heart when a tear went down your cheek. I cupped your face, using my thumb to wipe the water away.

My mind was confused. Heart was shattered. Body was numb. Everything else seemed like a blur. Only a question running through my mind. Why?

I looked into your eyes and saw the answer in your brown orbs.

Fear.

Fear of eyes watching us. Fear of people judging us. Fear of people walking away. Fear of being alone. Fear of conflicts. Fear of the world. Fear of me.

I shook my head and hugged you tightly. Not caring about anything else. Letting you bawl your eyes out. My heart was tugging, pounding like there’s no more tomorrow. And it felt right that you were in my arms. I couldn’t let go. So I did what my heart was telling me to do. Without hesitation, I said.

“I love you, Donghae.”

I looked at your eyes after my blunt confession and saw the fear slowly fading. I pressed my lips on yours and let our feelings take over.  I smiled during the kiss, knowing that you loved me, too.

+++

We keep this love in a photograph. We made these memories for ourselves.

My stomach stirs as the memory came back. It’s as if it never left. As if we’ve never separated. As if it happened yesterday. As if we’re still together.

But no. It’s been 4 years since I last saw him. 8 years since we had first met. And every time I remember the days we were still together, it always feels like it was yesterday.

I was broken for 4 years. Not thinking about it was my only option. It worked when I was away. But this place was just so full of memories. I knew I never let go. I never forget.

+++

We were at your house. Doing the usual things we do. Eat dinner, watch movie, play board games, and talk about things that we haven’t talked about.

We sat on your couch, your head on my shoulder and my hand playing with your hair. It was purely silent except for our words and laughter.

“Hyukkie”

“Hmm?”

“I have a confession to make”

My heart thumped at your intriguing tone. I kept quiet and let you continue.

“I sneaked around your phone…”

My eyes widened. I slowly retreat my arm from your embrace and sat up properly.

“Wh-what did y-you see?” I stuttered.

“I-I s-saw…” You stopped talking.

I looked at you and saw you were blushing, looking away. I covered my face as well, embarrassed. I knew you saw some there. I had been reminding myself to erase them ever since we started seeing each other but somehow it always slipped my mind that it was still on my phone.

“I…I’m sorry you had to see that, Donghae. I swear was going to delete it but---“

“N-no. Actually, I….enjoyed it.” You said, trying to look away as far as possible.

I looked at you and you were blushing mad. You suddenly looked me directly in the eyes and it was my turn to blush when I saw desire in your eyes.

“C-could we….t-try that t-too, Hyukkie?”

Your voice drove me crazy. How could you say something like that and still sound so innocent?

I changed our position and pinned you down, still looking into your eyes. I saw eagerness in them. And that was enough for me to have the courage to claim your lips in a soft kiss. The gentle kiss slowly turned into a passionate one as you gave my tongue an entrance to your cave.

You broke the kiss and asked.

“A-are we going to have ?” You still sounded so innocent.

I pecked your lips.

“No, we’re going to make love.”

And without hesitation, we made love.

Where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken and times are forever frozen still.

+++

The pleasure of that moment when we made love was unimaginable. It was his first. I was his first. I claimed him mine first. But it didn’t matter anymore. I’m not his last.

Of course, no one else was to blame but me. I left him. I chose to leave him. I thought it was for the best. I thought of myself rather than thinking of both of us.

He had his future planned up for him. He already had a fiancée, not a fiancé. He was destined to take over their family business. It was for him.

I left. I left so I won’t hurt anymore.

+++

And if you hurt me, well that's ok baby only words bleed inside these pages you just hold me.

I stayed away from you as soon as I found out from Kyuhyun, our friend, about your marriage. I stepped back. I avoided. I dodged. Because I was weak.

I knew I should’ve expected it sooner or later. You were the son of the CEO of the 2^nd biggest trading company in the entire South Korea.

It’s just that I never looked at you as the heir of a big enterprise. I looked at you as Lee Donghae, a bright and adorable person that everybody loves. But they don’t love you as much as I do. You’re always MY Donghae.

I forced myself to live my life before I had met you. Eat, Sleep, Work, Repeat. Nothing else. But the longer I kept this pride, the longer I feel like .

It was a day off when someone knocked on the door of my house. Having a feeling it was the mailman since my sister said she would give me something, I lazily went to the door and opened it. It spat you out.

Everything vanished when you threw your arms around me and buried your face on my shoulder. I forbid myself from touching you, pride taking over again. Your weeps were getting louder and my heart was matching its volume.

You pulled away, only transferring your hands from embracing me to holding me. You cupped my face and looked straight into my eyes, searching for the answers of your unsaid questions. I kept eye contact but let out no emotions in them.

With a broken voice, you said.

“Why?”

That question. Before, I was the one asking. Now, I am the one who is being asked.

With a deep breath, I said.

“Let’s end it here, Donghae.”

You shook your head rapidly and pulled me into a gentle kiss. It was filled with sorrow, need, desperation, and love.

I didn’t respond to the kiss as much as I want to. As much as I want to take you away from this sick reality that we are eventually going to be apart. I want to be in a fantasy where we would be forever. But things don’t work that way.

You pulled away from the kiss and looked at me. You let out a bitter sigh and looked at the side and looked at me once more.

“It was nice meeting you, Hyukjae-ssi”

You said and left without another word. I closed my eyes in pain, my chest not handling the agony of the moment. I felt a drop on my cheek. I was crying. I opened my eyes and let out a sad chuckle. You’re gone. And you’ll never come back.

After a few days, I had finally decided. With my suitcase of everything I own, my passport and my plane ticket to the US, I took the cab and headed to the airport. Without hesitation, I left.

And I won't ever let you go

+++

But just because I had left, I didn’t love him anymore. That was the last thing I would do. I would never stop loving him even if it kills me. Even if he hates me.

Oh, you can fit me inside the necklace you got when you were 16.

I took out my wallet and stared at the photo of two guys smiling at each other, a blond and a brunet, looking deep in each other’s eyes. They loved each other deeply. The blond one is still in love with the brunet, though he kept his distance. The blond knows that at their age right now, the brunet might be married or training for he was to take over the family business. It saddened him to be slapped by reality once again.

But I just laughed it off. I’m not the blond anymore. Heck, I colored my hair red. Rebellion, I guess? But who cares anyway. I don’t.

Next to your heartbeat where I should be. Keep it deep within your soul.

Every time I missed Donghae, I would just look at this photograph and pull it close to my heart, hoping one day, our paths would meet at the right place and at the right time. No one would be in their way. Then again, hope is a strong word.

The sun has set. Darkness took over. He used to hate the dark. He would be so scared, he would be clinging on my arms, staying behind me in case any “monster” appears. I smiled at the thought. But for me, I had always appreciated the darkness. It was screaming mystery. It was unknown, anonymous.

Everything becomes still at night. Everything is at rest. Nothing happens. But what I think is that everything happens during these times. Magic happens. It’s just that were too blind to see it.

Or maybe we just chose not to see it because we’re afraid.

But then, if you really want to learn the secret of the magic, you’ve got to explore. Avoid your comfort zones and follow your heart.
 

Loving can heal. Loving can mend your soul.

My feet were dragging me to the bench. I don’t know why. Something within me just said to go there and it’s like all the boundaries were gone.

I reached the area. I saw something. Or maybe someone.

White shirt. Red polo. Black Pants. Sneakers. Beanie. Despair.

Him.

And it’s the only thing that I know

“Avoid your comfort zones and follow your heart.” My heart said. And I did.

I went closer to him with heavy, yet light footsteps.

I swear it will get easier.

Every step getting lighter and anxiousness ran through me.

Remember that with every piece of you. And it's the only thing we take with us when we die.

And finally, I was right behind him. His figure was the same, maybe a bit thinner. His head down, staring at his feet.

I cleared my throat and spoke.

“I thought you hated being alone in the dark.”

I saw him flinching in surprise and looked behind him. His eyes widened once it landed with mine. His lips were fully parted, still in shock. I laughed at his reaction. He was still the same. Nothing much changed. He was still him. Lee Donghae. My Donghae.

But is he still mine?

So you can keep me inside the pocket of your ripped jeans.

I smiled which made him snap out from his initial reaction and he stood up. I walked in front of him and looked at his fingers.

No ring.

He noticed where I was looking and put his hands inside his pocket. I looked into his eyes and he was still staring at a far.

Holding me closer until our eyes meet.

It took a while but after a few seconds he stared back at me. I saw a question in his eyes and I know he also saw it in my eyes.

Why?

A question I had asked at first, he had asked next. And now, both of us are asking.

Why are we here?

You won't ever be alone.

And as if we both knew the answer to our own question by just looking at each other’s eyes, he smiled. My heart melted and I kissed him, hurriedly and fast-paced at first to make up for the lost time and then slowly because we knew we had all the time in the world.

Yup, he's still mine. 

We knew the answer to our why’s was that we loved each other. We knew it even though we never spoke about it. Because sometimes, when you look at a certain person, you’ll immediately know the answer.

We slowly parted after minutes of kissing. We hugged each other at the bench and not a single word was said. Being with him was enough for the moment.

Without hesitation, we let our love do the talking.

Wait for me to come home.

=============

[A/N] I originally wanted it to have like a tragic ending but couldn't take a heart attack while writing.