Final
Hold on tight, then let go18th July, 2014. 6.35pm.
Hyukjae closes his eyes.
-
20th July, 2015. 2.03am.
Hyukjae thinks he feels lips against his cheek. He opens his eyes, and all he sees is darkness.
-
Sometimes, just sometimes, he thinks he sees Donghae. Right there, laughing with him. At times, he sits outside staring at the moon, remembering how Donghae used to sit right next to him. Remembering seeing Donghae for the last time, remembering that he didn't even get to tell him he loved him one last time.
It is a windy evening, when Hyukjae decides to buy food from the nearby street vendor. He hasn't had a proper meal since Donghae left and he thinks about how Donghae would scold him if he were here. If...
Streaks of white light up the sky and it starts to pour. Hyukjae is glad that he has an umbrella in his bag, something that Donghae always used to nag at him about as well.
Balancing the umbrella between his chin and shoulder while chewing on the rice cakes, he barely walks a few steps before he sees an old woman in front of him, exposed to the rain, huddling to herself from the cold. Frowning, he walks to her.
"Ahjumma... Here. You can have this umbrella." The elderly woman's eyes light up and she stares curiously at Hyukjae.
"Young boy, don't you need it as well?" Hyukjae shakes his head.
"It's all right, you can have it." He hands the umbrella to her, before turning away.
"Wait, young boy." Hyukjae stops, turning back to her.
"You're a kind, young man. How rare." The lady pauses, scrutinizing the man before her.
"I'll let you in on a little secret."
-
Days pass. Hyukjae finds himself reverting back to his original hollow self, back when he hadn't met Donghae yet.
He wonders how he has managed to cry this much. Indeed.. Donghae always managed to make him do the things he would never have done.
Hyukjae tries to cook that night, but standing in the kitchen only brings back memories of Donghae, too many of them. He ends up slamming the pot against the wall, sobbing as he slides down to the floor.
The next morning, Hyukjae opens his eyes, and he stares blankly above him. That is, until he hears a clanging sound coming from the kitchen. He creeps stealthily to the kitchen, preparing to attack whoever the intruder is. The next moment, he nearly falls to the ground in shock.
"You've been bad when I was gone, Hyukjae. You've skipped your meals." Hyukjae is gaping at the sight in front of him. The man in front of him, cooking. Talking to him.
"Look at you," the man pauses, choking up. "You've become so thin, Hyukjae. I thought I told you to take care of yourself."
Hyukjae bursts out sobbing, running to the man, wrapping his arms tightly around him, feeling the other man crying against his shoulder as well.
"Donghae..."
-
25th July, 2014. 11.38am.
Hyukjae is happy.
-
There is a plate filled with omelettes in front of him, but Hyukjae can't seem to swallow anything down. He caresses the pale face in front of him, tears b in his eyes.
"Are you real?" His hand shakes as he traces the familiar lines.
"I heard you," Donghae's mumbles quietly. "And I got another chance, a special permit."
Hyukjae looks at the man in front of him, and pulls him closer.
"I'm so glad Hyukjae..." Donghae murmurs, teardrops teetering on the edges of his eyelashes. "I'm so glad I got to see you again..."
They spend the rest of the day cuddling on the couch, Hyukjae's arm wrapped protectively around Donghae's waist. He showers the younger with kisses, making him close his eyes, smiling in utter bliss.
"I love you." Hyukjae presses his forehead against the younger's.
"I love you." Donghae only smiles, palming
Hyukjae's face gently.
"I love you too, Hyukjae."
"I love you."
-
The next few days pass with Donghae nagging at Hyukjae for leaving his dirty clothes everywhere, for not eating his meals properly, for doing all the things Donghae has always told him not to do.
And it follows with Donghae washing all the clothes and forcing Hyukjae to eat all his meals. Hyukjae pretends to grumble, but does whatever Donghae tells him to do anyway.
They cook together, they bake together, they watch movies together, they go on a date in the park, for dinner dates. It's the same as what they used to do in the past, but Hyukjae showers Donghae with twice as much love. A baking session on a sunny afternoon turns into a makeout session, with them tasting the batter on each other's lips.
Every night, Hyukjae kisses Donghae and hugs him so tightly, whispering I love yous all the way till he falls asleep. Donghae feels his heart clench at the way Hyukjae acts for he has never seen Hyukjae so vulnerable, so fragile before. For Donghae, Hyukjae was always the one who stood up for Donghae, the one who wiped away his countless tears, the one who loved him more than anyone ever had.
-
Sadness was a word Hyukjae never associated with Donghae. Whenever he was with Donghae, everything became okay. Donghae who could instantly cheer him up just by being in his arms. Donghae who brought him out of his cold, caged world. Donghae who was his world.
-
One night, they lie together in bed, arms and legs tangled comfortably. Hyukjae is holding Donghae in his arms, while Donghae combs Hyukjae's hair gently with his fingers. Hyukjae suddenly sits up, looking at Donghae with eyes that convey so much pain.
"Donghae..." Donghae frowns at the expression on Hyukjae's face.
"What is it?"
"When... When are you leaving? I mean, you couldn't possibly stay forever, right?" Donghae bites his lips, wrapping his arms tight around Hyukjae's neck.
"I'm never leaving you again, Hyukjae. I promise."
Hyukjae nods, breathing out a small sigh of relief. A few seconds later, Donghae feels something wet against his neck. He gasps when he realises - Hyukjae is crying.
"H-Hyukjae?"
"Hmm?" Hyukjae looks at Donghae with tear filled eyes.
"You're crying." Donghae has only seen Hyukjae crying once before, it was when he had gotten into a car accident three years ago and Hyukjae had sobbed so hard in his arms when he had woken up from his coma.
"Don't cry." Donghae murmurs sadly, and Hyukjae nods, gripping tightly into Donghae's hand.
-
Hyukjae remembers. He remembers the day he had fought for Donghae and him. He remembers the feeling of his body roughly colliding against the table, the taste of blood lingering in his mouth. He lets himself be hit, and only reaches out for Donghae's hand weakly. When his head clears, he a sees a blurry vision of Donghae, tears streaming down his face. He reaches out to wipe them away.
He sees the older man crouching down next to him, and notices how Donghae reacts by wrapping his arms tightly around him, as if trying to protect him.
"I-" Hyukjae sees a raised hand, and he flinches. A pause, then a sigh.
"As long as you promise to protect him," Donghae sniffles against Hyukjae's shoulder. "And never let go of his hand."
-
Months pass.
Time passes really quickly. Hyukjae thinks one night, running his fingers through the soft hair that's currently buried into his chest. He looks up at the star filled sky, and the moonlight is bright that night. It shines down on him and the man in his arms. Donghae used to say so often, "Hyukkie, don't you wish time would stop right here, right now?" He used to laugh at it, but right now, Hyukjae only closes his eyes and thinks he couldn't agree more.
"Ahh!!" Donghae giggles and screams as Hyukjae pushes him down onto the bed, tickling him.
"Stop!" Donghae pushes Hyukjae away, face flushed from all the laughing. Donghae pouts as Hyukjae teases him somemore, but Hyukjae only smiles at the sight, leaning forward and pulling Donghae in for another kiss.
That afternoon, as Hyukjae is preparing the food for their picnic later on, he hears a loud thud. He drops whatever he is doing, and runs towards the source of the noise, only to find Donghae pale, leaning against the bathroom wall weakly.
"Donghae!" Hyukjae's voice is panicky, and he rushes forward, gathering Donghae into his arms.
"H-Hyukkie, I'm fine, I-" Donghae tries to speak, only to feel another wave of dizziness hitting him and he nearly falls to the floor, if not for Hyukjae's strong arms around his waist. Donghae tries to speak, but nothing seems to come out.
"Shh, it's fine. Let's get you to bed."
-
21st December, 2014. 1.03pm.
Hyukjae... Hyukjae doesn't know what to feel.
-
Donghae leans against the pillow weakly, watching Hyukjae hurrying about the room, making sure he is okay. Hyukjae feeds Donghae the last bit of soup and quickly kisses the younger's forehead before tucking him further into the blanket.
"I'm sorry, Hyukjae..." Donghae says a moment later when Hyukjae is in bed as well.
"What for?" Hyukjae gazes at Donghae gently.
"I ruined our picnic date, I-"
"It's fine, Donghae," Hyukjae has a stern, yet worried expression on his face. "You're more important than the date. We can go on it another time."
They spend the next few days at home, with candlelit dinners and a picnic at their balcony.
-
"Hyukjae." The smaller male speaks quietly, his legs dangling from the kitchen counter as he leans back, gazing at Hyukjae.
"Hmm?"
"You haven't gone out in so long. You need to go meet your friends, Hyukjae."
"Hmm..." Donghae sighs, looking at Hyukjae worriedly. Hyukjae looks away, knowing he will cave in to the pleading look of Donghae.
"Come on, Hyukkie. Hmm?" Donghae cups Hyukjae's face, forcing to look right into his eyes.
"We shall see," Hyukjae mumbles, and Donghae knows he has won again.
-
"Hyukjae!" His group of friends gape awkwardly at him, not expecting Hyukjae to be there. They met every Friday night, at the same cafe in the city. Hyukjae ruffles his hair awkwardly as well, but he is comforted by the light squeeze to his hands. He discreetly tugs onto Donghae's hand, leading him to the empty seat.
Hyukjae mingles with his friends for the first time after months, and he is glad to see that nothing has changed. He glances at Donghae occasionally, to receive encouraging nods from him in return.
"So, Hyukjae," Youngwoon speaks up. "How are you coping?" Jungsoo nudges Youngwoon, visibly showing discomfort at Youngwoon's mention of the topic they have all been trying to avoid. Hyukjae notices Youngwoon opening his mouth, probably to apologize. He quickly shakes his head, smiling.
"It's all right, hyung. I'm doing okay." Hyukjae says softly.
Youngwoon nods, patting Hyukjae on the shoulder.
"Donghae would have wanted you to be happy."
"Yeah," Hyukjae mumbles, looking at the figure next to him. "He would have."
-
Hyukjae continues to chew on his food, occasionally squeezing Donghae's hand. He feels someone staring at him and he looks up, to find Siwon looking at him with a gaze that seems almost faraway. He blinks quickly though, and looks away before Hyukjae can say anything.
"I'll head to the washroom first." Siwon announces, wiping his mouth with his napkin. The rest continue eating and Hyukjae looks up after awhile, to find that Donghae is not beside him anymore.
That night, Hyukjae walks home with Donghae beside him, and he laces his fingers with Donghae's.
"Remember how we used to walk home like this every day after school?"
"Of course," Donghae looks at Hyukjae, at how he looks more handsome than usual under the moonlight. "We did this all the way from elementary school, to middle school, to high school."
"And even after your night classes in University, when I would pick you up. I remember how Kyuhyun used to tease us." Donghae smiles fondly at those memories, and he knows Hyukjae is thinking about all those times as well.
"We've been through so many things together, Donghae." Donghae hears a slight tremble in Hyukjae's voice and he glances worriedly at him.
"Don't shed tears for me anymore, Hyukjae," Donghae utters brokenly. "You've already shed too many. I'm not worth all your pain, Hyukjae-" Donghae is cut off when he feels himself being pushed harshly against the wall, and it is only now that he realises that they've reached their house.
Donghae looks away, not wanting to see they broken look in Hyukjae's eyes, but Hyukjae only cups Donghae's face firmly.
"Look at me, Donghae." Hyukjae sounds so angry, so hurt, and Donghae closes his eyes, a single tear trickling down from the corner of his eyes. Hyukjae quickly kisses it away.
"You are worth it all. I love you, Donghae. I love you so much it hurts. It hurts so much... But I still love you. I love you, Donghae. Do you understand?" Donghae nods, clutching onto Hyukjae even more tightly, yearning to feel more of the familiar warmth.
And that night, Hyukjae kisses Donghae right at their doorstep, under the moonlight, under the clear, black sky.
-
5th January, 2015. 11.53pm.
Two hearts merge into one.
-
Hyukjae decides to go dancing, he hasn't done so ever since Donghae had died, and he really needs a place to clear his mind. Donghae declines to go with him, and Hyukjae doesn't push him to, seeing how tired he looks.
Hyukjae is only halfway there when he receives a call.
"Hyukjae." He hears the familiar voice and he makes his way towards the man sitting at the corner of the cafe.
"Siwon." He smiles and the man nods at him.
"Hyukjae-"
"Hmm, what is there to eat here? The strawberry cheesecake looks really good, why not-"
"Hyukjae." Siwon says, letting out a sigh. Hyukjae is kind of startled, looking inquisitively at Siwon.
"Hyukjae, the reason I called you here-" Siwon his lips nervously. "-is to talk about Donghae."
Hyukjae freezes, but he recovers soon after.
"Siwon, I thought I told you all, I'm getting better, I-"
"Hyukjae," Siwon speaks with a heavy tone and Hyukjae trembles slightly. "You know I'm not here to talk about that."
"What do you know?" Hyukjae fiddles with the menu, not meeting Siwon's stare.
"I know everything, Hyukjae."
-
Hyukjae walks home in silence. All of a sudden, the night sky seems to be so intimidating, the moonlight seems so glaring. Hyukjae closes his eyes, and he lets the wind blow gently on his face. He starts laughing, and then after a few moments, the laughter turns into sobs.
-
"Let's go!" Hyukjae pulls Donghae up from the couch, and Donghae looks at him, confused.
"Where?"
"Anywhere. Anywhere with you."
Hyukjae takes Donghae to their old elementary school. The place is by now unused, parts of the building crumbling from age. Hyukjae takes Donghae's hand, bringing him to sit on the steps near the main gate.
"Hello." The shorter boy waves shyly. His eyes widen in surprise, and he waves back.
"Hi," He interlocks their tiny hands together.
"I'm Hyukjae."
"I know!" The shorter blurts out, a red blush creeping up his face instantly. The taller kid chuckles, prying away the former's hands that are shyly covering his face.
"Hello, Donghae." This time, it is the shorter's turn to have his eyes widen in surprise.
-
Hyukjae looks at Donghae's face stained with chocolate. He knows he's getting weird stares for chuckling to himself, but he doesn't care anymore.
"Hyukjaeeee! Let's go get ice cream!"
"I can't, Donghae. I have to study."
"Please?" Hyukjae turns away at the sight of Donghae's puppy eyes. He feels his resolve slowly crumbling away when Donghae pouts even more, tugging at his sleeve.
"Ice cream it is." Donghae cheers, making Hyukjae squeal inwardly at his cuteness.
It is a cold evening, and the two of them look ridiculous their ice cream cones and trembling in the cold, but Hyukjae is too distracted with gazing tenderly at Donghae to even care.
-
One night, Hyukjae dreams. It is a memory, of him and Donghae when they were younger. He sees the two of them running along a lake, and Donghae reaches out for a butterfly that just brushes past his fingertips.
Hyukjae's eyes widen when he sees Donghae trip, and he sees his younger self hurrying over.
"Hae, are you okay?" He feels his heart clench seeing the tears streaming down Donghae's face.
He then sees the younger him gently blowing against the scratch on Donghae's knees, then hugging him tightly. Donghae smiles, and wraps his arms around Hyukjae's neck while sniffling.
The butterfly lands on the ground near them, and shortly after, it flutters away.
-
Hyukjae pales when he sees Donghae kneeling on the ground, whimpering in pain. He hurries to his side, cradling the younger in his arms.
"Hae!" Donghae barely opens his eyes, clutching tightly onto Hyukjae's shirt.
"H-Hyukkie..." Donghae struggles to breathe, his head starting to loll to the back.
"Hae, tell me. Where does it hurt?" Donghae opens his mouth, trying a few times before words actually come out.
"It hurts everywhere... It hurts everywhere, Hyukkie..." Donghae's face turns even paler. Hyukjae blinks back his tears furiously, cradling Donghae to his chest, whispering soothing words, trying to lessen the pain.
-
Dates and times flash through his mind. He tries to grasp at them through the darkness. Soon... Soon they will all fade into nothingness.
-
Hyukjae feels Donghae's head snuggled into his neck and he smiles, feeling Donghae's legs wrapped tightly around him.
"Hyukkie!" Hyukjae nearly tumbles to the ground as Donghae jumps onto his back without warning.
"Yah, how many times have I told you not to do that!" Hyukjae scolds, trying to bite back his smile.
"Don't care!" Donghae half screams into Hyukjae's ear, playing with Hyukjae's hair.
"You're so childish. You're twenty years old, do you know that?"
"And you're twenty-one! You're so old, Hyukkie!" Donghae giggles to himself.
"Old, old Hyukkie!" Donghae chants, and Hyukjae shakes his head, piggybacking Donghae all the way back home.
-
Time passes. Hyukjae doesn't know what year, what day it is. It doesn't really matter all that much anymore.
-
It is the day of their fourth anniversary.
That day, it is a rainy night, and it will be a night Hyukjae will always remember. It is when he gets home from grocery shopping for dinner. All the bags in his hands drop to the ground as he feels his legs almost giving in.
Donghae is glowing. Literally. Hyukjae feels tears streaming down his cheeks as he sees Donghae surrounded by light and smoke. It is all a hazy blur. He feels his heart clench when he sees the confused look on Donghae's face.
"Hyukjae... What's going on?" Donghae is crying, while looking at his hands that are pale, and fading away.
Hyukjae only smiles sadly, walking towards Donghae. He cups the latter's face, which by now is starting to become fuzzy, like an image on his phone screen.
"They gave me a second chance, Donghae. A second chance to love you, all over again. I cherished every moment of it, Donghae. I loved you all over again."
"Hyukjae..." Donghae sniffles, his eyes puffy.
"I love you, Donghae. I always will, no matter where you are."
"M-Me too, Hyukjae... Me too..." Donghae sobs, burying his face into Hyukjae's shoulder. The shoulder he has always found comfort in since they were kids, the same warmth that has never changed.
"Now... It's time for me to let go, so you can have your second chance, Donghae..." Hearing this, Donghae shakes his head furiously, sobbing even louder while tightening his hold around Hyukjae's neck.
"I'm scared... Hyukjae... I don't want to leave you..." Hyukjae shakes his head, gazing into the eyes he's looked into every day for the past twenty years.
"You'll be fine, Donghae. I'll come find you soon, okay? Everything will be all right..." Donghae only sobs, feeling the smell of smoke getting stronger, his head getting lighter. He refuses to let go of Hyukjae.
Hyukjae pats Donghae's head, whispering to him gently. He lets the smoke surround the both of them, he lets Donghae sob into his chest. He hugs Donghae while walking the both of them around the living room slowly, looking at the house they've shared for the past few years. He looks at the kitchen where they baked together, the bathroom where they made out, the bedroom where they watched late night movies, the balcony where they shared their secrets. He decides that he's probably going to miss everything. Again. But this time, he's going to be stronger.
The smoke twirls around them for the last time, and then rises, dissipating into nothing. Hyukjae pulls away from Donghae slightly, placing a kiss onto the now translucent forehead. He kisses Donghae's tears away, feeling smooth fingers wiping away his own.
They gaze into each other's eyes for just awhile more, before Donghae stumbles backwards. Hyukjae steadies him, holding him tightly in his grip. Donghae is teary eyed, and his hands reach out for Hyukjae. Hyukjae hugs him one last time, and they kiss, one that is sweeter than all the ones they've ever shared.
"Good luck," Hyukjae smiles, running his hands through Donghae's hair. "Watch over me, okay? Let me know that you're still there."
Donghae nods, smiling sadly. Love you. Hyukjae barely makes out the words as the image in front of him fades even more.
"Thank you, Hyukjae..." Donghae whispers, a sad smile on his face.
"Thank you for never letting go of my hand."
Love you. Donghae reaches out one last time, and then there is nothing.
-
"Wait, young boy." Hyukjae stops, turning back to her.
"You're a kind, young man. How rare." The lady pauses, scrutinizing the man before her.
"I'll let you in on a little secret."
Hyukjae heads towards the hill, his steps rather hesitant. He bites his lips and looks up, looking at the star filled sky.
"Make a wish young boy, at the old hill, precisely at the moment when the sky is cloudless, the stars fully shown, when the moon is the brightest, when the clock strikes twelve. Make a wish, my dear boy, upon the second star from the right."
Hyukjae thinks he's insane, for here he is, atop the hill. The sky is cloudless, the stars are shown, the moon is bright. As the clock strikes twelve, he closes his eyes.
-
"I know everything, Hyukjae."
Hyukjae's hands are shaking really badly by now.
"I saw him just now. The way you two look at each other, hasn't changed at all." Siwon feels his own voice shaking as well.
"On the second star from the right, when the sky is cloudless, the stars fully shown, precisely when the clock strikes twelve." Siwon murmurs sadly, more to himself. Hyukjae's eyes widen.
"S-Siwon."
"Donghae told me... He told me he can't bear to leave you, because you can't let him go. But Hyukjae, do you know? That by staying, his soul is getting destroyed slowly? Soon, his soul will be gone... Forever, Hyukjae. He won't even have a chance at a new life up there." Hyukjae recalls the frequent fainting spells, the excruciating pain. He is shaking furiously by now, tears b at the corner of his eyes.
"Not for yourself, not for me. For him."
Hyukjae shakes his head. No, no, no.
"I don't want what happened to me to happen to you, Hyukjae. Seeing the one you love destroyed... Because of yourself."
-
One night, a chilly autumn night, he wishes upon the second star from the right again. The clock strikes twelve. The moment is gone, and Hyukjae steps back into the shadows.
---
Thank you so much for reading! This didn't really turn out the way I wanted it to and I'm sorry if it disappoints ;;
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