This is a phase
For me it’s definitely love. After everything I went through with Ryan… Mark is definitely the one… but for him….

He’s different… in LA he’s not the same. I haven’t been back here with him for 5 years so I never really noticed the change. When I left for Korea I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. I mean really see him but then 2 years later I found out he was coming too.

I was so excited that any differences with him went unnoticed and after a while it just became who he was. And then another year went by and it felt like love but now I’m back here… with him…it’s not the same.

He’s been with his friends and its fine because I wanted him to use this time with them but when it starts to seem like I don’t even exist anymore. I walk into a room and there’s nothing from him. I’m invisible and believe me after things being the way they were in Korea it hurts to be ignored by him. It hurts to be ignored by him no matter what the circumstances.

Back there whenever I walked into a practice room that he was in he’d be all over me. Asking me how I slept, kissing me, hugging, pretending to love me. It’s like no one else exists… and then the dance teacher reminds us to stay focused. Kinda hard for me when Mark’s in the room.

He won’t answer my calls and even when I do manage to smile at him he looks through me like I’m not there. You should have seen the look he gave me yesterday. It’s like he’d seen someone getting abducted by aliens. And I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that I don’t know what I’ve done or the fact that he’s acting like I don’t exist.

I know what you’re probably thinking? Why haven’t I spoken to his family, his parents? What would I tell them exactly? That they raised the most stubborn boy I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. They’d probably think I wasn’t feeling well. That I’d spent so much time away from home that the difference in scenery is making me feel light headed. I don’t feel lightheaded… I feel alone.

It’s convenient for him to love me when we’re in Korea because I’m the only one there…

In a way he needs me to curb his homesickness. When it comes down to it… I don’t think there’s any love there… really. His head is telling him he misses home and I’m the closest thing to home that exists in Korea… that is not love.

When we arrived at the airport he told me he felt free from everything that was in Korea. Maybe he means me too.
I just-

You dropped your pen and slammed the diary shut when you heard the bedroom door swing open. Mark stared at you from the doorway and you waited with baited breath for him to say something to you. Anything.
He walked straight up to you and every muscle tensed up. You hadn’t been this close to him since you arrived in LA and he dropped your hand to go running to his family.
‘Hey’ you reached out. Hoping he’d smile at you and pull you into his arms again.
‘Hey, I need the spare controller for the XBOX’ you looked at him confused until he pointed to the stool you were sat on. ‘You’re sitting on them’
You looked down and felt the colour drain from your face as you stood and walked over to the bed. He couldn’t even say please when you were standing in his way. You watched him rummage around in the storage box until he yelled in triumph.
‘Find it?’ you tried again. Maybe now he’d gotten what he wanted he’s be more aware of you.
‘Yeah’ he slammed the lid shut and ran from the room like you were some sort of plague infiltrating his life and not his girlfriend of 2 years. Not to mention the whole lifetime of friendship thing too. You attempted to breathe but the feeling of being kicked in the stomach spread through you like wild fire.
Your diary sat closed on the desk, the pen marking the page you were just writing on before the rude interruption but you didn’t feel like spilling your guts anymore on a piece of paper.
What you really wanted was to march downstairs and drag Mark about by his ear. You smiled slightly. Now that sounded like fun.
But you obviously wouldn’t. Not only did you not want to tell Mark about your thoughts, you didn’t really feel like telling his family and friends which happened to also be your family and friends. At least they were when you left 5 years ago.
Despite this country being home, you hated it. You hated the isolated feeling in your chest. You’d been in Korea for so long now that the place had starting calling itself home without you realizing. After all Korean blood ran through your veins. Why wouldn’t you call it home.
‘I’m going to bed’ as you said this your eyes glanced at the clock sitting on Marks bedside.
8:00pm
You sighed and ran your fingers through your hair.
‘This is such a fab holiday. I’m going to bed at 8’ you threw the cover back and grabbed Marks pillow before throwing it on the floor. Taking your own you nuzzled as close to the wall as you could. Hopefully giving Mark no excuse to touch you when he eventually found his own way to bed.